In which my son learns that life isn't always fair

Ivyboy is a very bright kid. He’s imaginative, polite, and can carry on an intelligent conversation with adults without a bunch of “Dudes” and “Like, ya knows?” He is not perfect, however (that honor belongs to FairyChatMom’s daughter ;)) and he has screwed up, one semester last year quite royally, to the point that the Report Card Fairy took a big chomp out of his butt.

One thing however, he is honest. Now, I know you don’t know me from Adam, but we know our son. He does not lie, he does not cheat. His bad talents lie in other areas, such as laziness and disorganization and a tendency to peak on his schoolwork.

He got a test back last week and the teacher had marked him wrong on a question he’d answered correctly. Ivyboy brought it to the teacher’s attention.

The teacher said that my son had circled the answer on top of the teacher’s circle, that he’d originally not answered the question at all, and accused my son of cheating and said he was turning him into the judicial committee. This is a group made up of teachers and students that review honor code violations.

My son was understandably upset at having his honor impugned, and proceeded to vent to his friends over the next week. This is a small school, and word got back to the dean that my son was talking about this with his friends, and she told him to stop, that it was looking like a case of “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Ivylad and I knew about this (Ivyboy told us the day it happened) and were trying to give him guidance in dealing with this while not fighting his battle for him. He had a letter from a character reference and was as prepared as he could be.

The judiciary was today, and they found that he cheated, and because he would not admit that he cheated, that he also lied. He appealed to the dean and the headmaster, and the dean said that she had examined the test under a magnifying glass and found that his mark was definitely over the teacher’s mark, and the headmaster said that he was sticking to his story because he didn’t want to get in trouble with us.

At this point, I’m afraid, Ivyboy lost it. He became quite upset and threw his elbow into the wall of the headmaster’s. We’ve raised our son that one’s word and reputation is very important and I think it’s sunk in, because when confronted with a wrongdoing, Ivyboy fesses up immediately. He was sent to judiciary a couple of years ago, for lying to a teacher, and he admitted freely that he had done so.

The dean called me and asked me to come get him, as he was very upset and quite confrontational. I was on my way to work and we live five minutes from the school, so Ivylad went in my stead. The headmaster was a bit on the condescending side, and when Ivylad pointed out another question on the test, which Ivyboy had gotten wrong, which showed his ink had bled through the teacher’s marking of the correct answer, he blew it off.

Bottom line, Ivyboy apologized for losing his temper and he remained at school. I was hoping it would be a couple more years before he had to learn this particular lesson, but hopefully he will use this to fire up his schoolwork and get As for the remainder of the year.

And for me, I’m a little heartbroken that my child has been hurt and I can’t fix it. Kissing a boo-boo won’t work anymore, I’m afraid.

Nothing to add here except that this story made me furious. :mad: :slight_smile:

Without going into details, I had a similar experience or two in high school and it left me with a strong disrepect for authority. It was so bad, that I almost didn’t go to college. Do to weird circumstances, I stumbled into college anyway. There I found that misplaced authority was the exception, rather than the rule.

So, while it’s a good lesson to learn that life is sometimes not fair, take a chance or two to re-inforce that, more often than not, it’s still pretty fair. I would hate to see someone else grow up to be a cycnical old fart like me.

That’s what we’re doing, telling him good grades are the best revenge and although it may feel good, try not to show up the teacher too much (although yesterday he successfully argued a point in class with the same teacher who accused him of cheating.)

Nobody ever said that life has to be fair but yeah, finding out that the people who are supposed to be your role models are idiots is a bummer.

Some time later, you figure out that there’s a qualifier: “some of” the people who are supposed to be your role models are idiots. And some of the time, you can avoid idiots and sometimes you can’t.

Here’s to hoping your son can learn how to deal with idiots soon. raises glass

I think someone has watched a little too much CSI.

Learning that life isn’t fair is only half the lesson, I think: the other half is that each of us has an obligation to try to make life as fair as possible. Too often, adults forget to teach that part of the lesson. It sounds like you’re doing so.

Daniel

Tell your boy to wait until after he graduates.

Save documents & names.

Then, for $100, you can go to Small Claims Court, & sue em for Slander. Up to $15,000.

And that’s how they learn a lesson.

I sympathize with your plight. When my kids were young, I wanted to be able to protect them from all the unpleasantness out there, and it was such a helpless feeling as I found myself less and less able to.
I didn’t catch how old lad is, but allow me to put a little spin on things. While your age as the all-powerful and all-knowing parent may be over, you may actually be well on your way to another stage - that is, when you are dealing with your son on a more mature level, and working with him on strategies that he can implement to deal with the people and situations he meets. IMO this type of lesson can be among the most valuable and rewarding gifts a parent can impart. IME, it just keeps getting better and better - and the real rewards come when they are well on their way towards adulthood, and you see them positioning themselves well, and making good real-life choices. That is when you realize the importance of being there for every missed homework assignment, bad/unfair grade, schoolyard tussle, etc.

He’s 17. I was actually thinking about your point, Dinsdale, because there was a recent newsstory about how parents are calling colleges because their baby freshmen are having problems with roommates and schedules and whatnots, instead of letting the kidlets deal with it on their own. That’s why, while my first instinct was to storm the school and start kicking ass, I sat back, bit my lip, and calmly made suggestions to Ivyboy on what to do and how to do it.

I’m not trying to be a dick. But there is a discrepancy here. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal out of it. Maybe the teachers and admins have long memories. shrug

[QUOTE=ivylass]
And for me, I’m a little heartbroken that my child has been hurt and I can’t fix it. Kissing a boo-boo won’t work anymore, I’m afraid.

[QUOTE=ivylass]

Still, though, you didn’t interfere. You let him handle it, and when the results didn’t come out in his favor, you didn’t storm into the school with your lawyers and threats. That is extremely important…he needs to know that mommy can’t fix everything. It’s too bad he couldn’t have learned this lesson in a way that was more fair, but, hey…we can’t pick and choose how we learn how life works. In the long run, he’ll be better off.

He should also know that talking about the issue wasn’t a good idea. I’m not saying it was right or wrong, but schools (for the most part) keep private situations private. He should do the same. And losing control afterwards didn’t help his cause, either. As soon as a person does that…it’s over.

And I’m not condemning him for those two things. He’s a kid! That’s what they do. I know too many adults who aren’t as mature as your son; still, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a lot to learn. (I’m still learning, I assure you.)

Runs, you make a good point. May I clarify and say my son is not a habitual liar, and his lies are extremely rare? I would say his reputation is more one of honesty and trustworthiness than deceit, and I had hoped the school would have taken that into account. After all, when brought to judiciary before, he readily admitted he had not told the teacher the truth.

Ah well, sometimes life goes that way.

Mom, is that you?!

More seriously - Yeah, about all you can do is use it as a learning lesson of the unfairness of life. Left Hand of Dorkness put it brilliantly.

My wife had a similar situation in High School where a teacher accused her of cheating on a major essay because “she could not write that well.” Even with references, notes and perental support she could not change the teacher’s mind. By that time, it had become a matter of principle for the teacher and intervention from God would not have changed his opinion. It was one of many bad High School experiences she had that helped her develop a distrust and cynicism for authority. She still has it, and bitter feelings towards the teacher twenty years later. With your help Ivyboy will fare better.

And then there’s the great quote from Princess Bride: “Life isn’t fair. Anybody who tells you otherwise is just trying to sell you something.” *

  • (From memory, I probably mangled it.)

Well, actually, yeah, I think it’s “Life IS pain, lady, and anyone who tells you differently is selling something” or something like that.

No, it’s “Life is pain, Highness.” :smiley:

Ah, I found it. In Goldman’s Princess Bride when we get background on Fezzik’s early life the text reads ‘ “Life is pain,” his mother said. “Anybody that says different is selling something.” ’ (p. 128 of the 1974 Ballantine paperback edition.)

OK, so it wasn’t about life not being fair and is probably not relevant to ivylass’s OP, but I got a bit obsessed with getting the quote right. Sorry.

The ‘Life is pain, Highness’ may come from the movie, but I’m not searching for that one now!

This is why I always made a point to my (now grown) children how important it is to get that piece of paper that says they’ve been college edjamacated. Without it, they will end up working for some cheeselog who’s got one. I think they took it to heart.

The headmaster wants to meet Monday to “further discuss concerns.”

I’m physically ill.

Oh, for goodness sake! Don’t take any guff, ivylass.

What kind of school is this, ivylass. Dynamics sound quite different from what I encountered in the public schools.

I must admit, that from your OP I assumed lad was quite a bit younger than he is. At this point, my question turns to what are his plans for the future? Does he plan on going to college? If so, and if he is a junior, he will be taking his tests this year and applying next year. So, with that in mind, I suggest that the goal to keep in mind is making sure all this “small stuff” does not get in the way of his goals down the road. If he is going to college, the main thing he is getting out of HS is the ability to be admitted to the college of his choice - and/or to get scholarship $. Now you suggest he may have already put himself behind the 8-ball with some bad grades. But there are enough colleges out there that he will be able to get accepted somewhere to study something he likes.

So you (and he) might want to consider focusing on the future. Don’t worry about “winning” this battle. All he needs is the HS diploma, some standardized test results, and maybe a letter of recommendation from a teacher or 2. So make sure you don’t do anything to risk his ability to get those. You might even want to consider whether transferring to another school at midterm or for senior year is a possibility.

Bottomline - the teacher was wrong, and made this molehill into a mountain. Don’t let yourselves get caught up in her and the administrations little pissing contest. This school is their little fiefdom. Their entire world. But in 2 short years you and your son won’t need to give them another thought. Definitely don’t agree in writing to any admission of wrongdoing or anything. But remember the strategic value of keeping a low profile, discretion being the better part of valour, cut your losses - that kinda thing. As it is, this minor matter is soaking up way too much or you and lad’s emotions and energy.