So I was in my bed last night, sleeping away, which is what I’m usually doing at 2:00 am, when I’m awakened by noise. At first, I hear my pup thrashing around in the kitchen, then I hear footsteps on my stairs. I was just getting around to thinking, “Hmmm, wonder how Angus got loose,” because I thought he was running up the stairs to my bedroom, when I hear a HUMAN voice. A man. In my house.
He came into my bedroom and started talking to me. In Spanish. And he kept repeating the same phrase in English over and over again: “Why you open the door? Why you open the door?”
I’d clearly left my front door unlocked. I think he meant to say,“Why did you leave the door unlocked?” But his accent was SO heavy and his English sopoor. My door lock has a little latch I can click so that I don’t lock myself out when I run Angus out for short trots. I’d forgotten to disengage it.
I got a light on and checked his hands for weapons first thing. And tried to see if he had a weapon on him anywhere visible. Nothing. Then tried to get dressed. I sleep nude. And did I mention there was an intruder in my bedroom?
I started shouting at him, ‘You have to go! Get out!’ but he just kept babbling at me in Spanish and sort of coming toward me. He climbed onto my bed before I could jump out and get dressed. He started telling me in Spanish that the police were outside looking for him. So now I think, "Great, I’m ‘harboring a fugitive.’ And I start shouting at him, “You can’t hide here!” I’m trying to shout everything in English and then in my pathetic version of Spanish.
I look out the window and see police cruisers passing one another in front of my house, so clearly, they WERE after him. So as soon as they pulled away, I said, “Look, police are gone, you can leave now.” In retrospect, I probably should have screamed or something. But I was afraid to piss him off. He wasn’t acting really threatening, but I still was so scared!
Meanwhile, Angus is barking like a ferocious beast. I threatened the guy that I was going to let my dog go. Angus would have slobbered all over him and annoyed the hell out of him, I’m sure.
Finally, after much shouting and fear and this guy repeating over and over again for some reason, “Why you open the door?” he leaves. And I dial 911 for the first time in my life.
But the cops were already circling the block looking for him. Mistake number 2: I didn’t check to see where he headed when he left. So now there are like five police cruisers outside and the cops are questioning me: “What did he look like? Where did he go? What was he wearing? Did he hurt you?”
And they’re shouting to one another and their little radios are crackling and lights are flashing and someone says, “Get two canine units over here.”
So now I’m actually excited. I start humming the COPS theme to myself. And I asked the cops if I could see the dogs when they were done. Wow! Police dogs! In my own yard!
The cruisers and the cops and the dogs swarmed my block until 4 this morning. They didn’t catch the bad guy. Plus, I couldn’t go back to sleep. I left the lights on. And Angus was still scared too. We slept on the sofa.
Oh, and I got to pet the police dogs. They were nice and I gave them treats. Angus liked them too. Now we are both exhausted and want to move into a house with someone else.