this is a real example of George Carlin’s routine about “Assholes and Maniacs”. i never thought i would be bitching about “maniacs”, but here i go:
let me start by saying i have almost ZERO regard for speed limits. i drive as fast (or slow) as the conditions allow. (and yes, this means well BELOW the posted speed if necessary and conditions warrent) i live in a remote area where you can genereally haul ass. the hiways are 2 lane for the most part and the shoulders are wide enough to pull over, but have the “rumble strips” or “dragon’s teeth” carved into them. i have a few cars, trucks and motorcycles, some fast and some slow.
if i’m cruising down the road in my old truck, hauling a trailer or just plain going slow, i will pull over if someone wants to get around me, but cant pass due to oncoming traffic. i will do this at pretty much any speed thats safe to do so. yeah, its not alway convieniant and i have to run over those rumble strips, but i figure its the right thing to do. i don’t want to be an “asshole blocking traffic”.
well, the other day, im driving my small, fast car- going about 80-85 out in the middle of nowhere. some guy slowly creeps up behind me and when he gets right on my ass, he turns on his signal, like he wants me to pull over for him to pass! Yo! Sorry, dude! i’m not pulling over on the freakin shoulder at 80 mph just so you dont have to ACCELERATE to get around me (there wasn’t even oncoming traffic!). THIS GUY IS A MANIAC! if you have to go that fast, dammit, you better have the ponies under the hood to support your habit. (i floored it and watched him disapear in the mirror!) pass me if you want to (and can) but if i cant safely pull over, you are on your own!
break (brk)
v. broke, (brk) bro·ken, (brkn) break·ing, breaks
v. tr.
To cause to separate into pieces suddenly or violently; smash.
a. To divide into pieces, as by bending or cutting: break crackers for a baby.
b. To separate into components or parts: broke the work into discrete tasks.
brake (brk)
n.
A device for slowing or stopping motion, as of a vehicle, especially by contact friction.
Something that slows or stops action.
I think I’ll let them speak for themselves.
:wally
Obviously you didn’t learn to drive in L.A., where they STILL haven’t heard of left turn arrows. Though I now live in an area where arrows are abundant, few driving-related things piss me off more than somebody sitting at a green light waiting to turn left who doesn’t go when the light turns yellow or red. Hell, I’ve seen cops being the third or fourth car through a red light.
And what’s with the old people that drive REALLY SLOW down the ONE road I can take to get to school? It’s not their being old that’s a problem. I just can’t figure out why the hell they go 20 or 25 in a 35 or 40 zone. If they’re that blind, they should not be driving! (This applies to young half-blind drivers as well.)
This drives me nuts too. The worst is when you are waiting to turn left and have cars going in both directions on the street you want to turn on. When this happens on a busy street, it really sucks when the person coming toward you from the left doesn’t use his signal to turn right where you are. If the signal was used, there was often the chance to execute your turn.
Then, there is a new round of waiting for both lanes to clear so you can make the turn!!
Dorri
Yes, this is one of my pet peeves. The zipper method works well because it keeps the two lanes at the same speed. All it takes is one idiot as described above, and the other guy has to slow down or stop, the idiot’s lane speeds up, and you have a traffic problem that lasts long after the original cars involved have gone.
I have to comment that I think the IQ test needs to be expanded for all types of vehicles…start at the Big Wheel, work up… make them take a driving class/test when they’re five.
I’m was driving down a road in my neighborhood wednesday… I have a truck… pretty decent size, bright color, not like, an asphalt colored Geo Metro with a yellow stripe on one side that someone might accidentally not SEE…
A teenager on a scooter was coming the other way, swerving and veering all over the road, not looking where the fuck he was going: “La di da… look at me, I’m swwweeerving…la la laaaa…I love the Offspring, they’re so cool… whistles tunelessly”
I pretty much had to stop dead to avoid running this kid down and brilliance personified STILL nearly drove SMACK into the middle of my grill… looking everywhere but in front of him, blank expression, mouth hanging open, 1/2" thin little helmet strapped on his head. He caught himself at the last minute (Oh so tempting to lay on the horn JUST then), swerved and rode past me looking completely surprised, eyes wide, mouth still hanging open…
A clue: the helmet is there for you to protect your head from your clutziness in the sense of… say, if you fall off your scooter to the ground (thud)…not to in the sense of, driving headlong into a 4,000 lb vehicle.
Another clue: the scooter is there to get you from point a. to point b. with minimum effort… not to 1. run over pedestrians, 2. run into vehicles… parked or otherwise engaged in some form of motion. If you want to live to get laid in the back of a real vehicle one day, you best adopt some form of self-preservation.
So my car’s been fucked since wednesday cos I also managed to smash into some guy’s shitty little opel because Mr.Wankstain decided to change into the fast lane without signalling, slam on his brakes cos he didn’t know where the fuck he was supposed to be going and slow dowm to 40km/hr on the fucking highway. Of course, since I hit him from behind, I am legally liable for all damages. That’s sweet,as you can imagine.
And since I am relatively younger and he is assumed to be the more experienced driver - it couldn’t POSSIBLY have been HIS fault because I must have been speeding or checking my lipstick in the mirror.
Asshole.
I hope you enjoy your newly repaired car , at my expense of course. Actually my dad’s insurance paid for it but if it was my money you would have had to pry it from my cold dead hands.
BY the way fuckhead - your tail-lights have been fixed : SO FUCKING USE THEM!!!
OK - this was my first rant and I must admit that it’s much less venomous than I had hoped. maybe I need more practise, but I can’t type or perform tasks requiring fine motor control when blinded by rage.
So I am on a hilly back road, with a posted speed limit of 40mph. It is 10am, cloudy and rain is predicted. We are in a Kia Sephia, i am at 35mph, and all these cocksuckers are tailgating this itty-bitty Kia, which has its hazard lights flashing, to indicate that other drivers should pass, or something,
These are bigass trucks and SUV’s riding my ass. I slowed to let them pass, but the motherfuckers kept tailgating me. Slowed a bit more, because the road had come to its hilly stretch and it was now starting to rain. Still the assneedles tailgated, just to be a cocksocket, i suppose.
IT must take a special kind of asshole to tailgate a kia, when one is driving a bigass truck.Or it could just be my neighborhood, I would not know. I did not speed up, or do anything stupid. I am not dying to die, just so I can prove my dick is bigger than somebody else’s dick
"I didn’t say anything about safety. I’m assuming that someone going 10 mph over the speed limit doesn’t care about safety.
I am talking about saving time - you don’t save time - what is your hurry?? If you were driving 1,000 miles, you would save just over 2 hours by driving 80 mph vs. 70 mph. It’s a small gain and even less the shorter distance you go."
it has little to do with any one driver wanting to go fast. If the flow of traffic is moving at 75 mph and one asshole is rolling along in the left lane at 60 then THEY are personally responsible for creating a traffic hazard. yeah I know they think they just following the speed limit, but when everyone around them has to deal with their nonconforming slow ass in the wrong lane for the speed they are travelling at it creates probelms for way more than just one driver.
I live in seattle adn I gotta tell ya traffic around here sucks ass. I loathe pretty much anyone who cant make a few common sense decisions and drive like they have a clue.
The 2 second following rule. If I am behind you, ker-chunk -you hit a dip, one-one thousand, two-one thousand, kerchunk -I hit the dip. Not two car lengths, but two seconds. In case of rain or snow, it’s three seconds. The faster you go, the greater the distance becomes. Let’s not try and cross the same point at the same time. I’ve been lightly rear-ended twice by people following too close. How many times have I tapped someone’s butt? 0.0! I’ve had people in front of me jam their brakes for no apparent reason, but I managed to grab myself a little time to respond. All thanks to that wonderful two second following rule. So, if you’re ever going to change lanes and get between two cars, don’t go by how much space there is to squeeze your car into, because that guy in the back just might be abiding by the two second following rule. Don’t rob him of those precious seconds. (And use your turn signal, it’s not that complex).
This is my all-time favorite…I live in Napa and my commute takes me through some REALLY hilly roads. Nothing is worse than it being dark outside, having some dickhead in an SUV who apparently has FORGOTTEN THAT HIS HEADLIGHTS ARE DIRECTLY IN LINE WITH MY EYES driving about 2 freakin’ inches from my bumper. I’m not a slow driver. I got a quick little RX7 and normally travel about 20 mph above the speed limit but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna go 80 mph down a windy (how come that spelling doesn’t look right…) hill! Sorry buddy, i’m not gonna risk killing myself to make you happy! There’s no place to safely turn out and no place for him to pass. JUST ACCEPT THAT I’M ONLY GONNA GO 20 MPH ABOVE THE SPEEDLIMIT FOR YOUR SORRY IMPAITENT ASS AND KICK BACK! Not to mention the fact that BLINDING me is NOT GONNA MAKE ME GO FASTER. If I can’t SEE then I can’t GO FAST. My friend drives an SUV and likes to tailgate, I scream at her whenever she pulls that crap on someone. Oh yeah, one other thing. On another road where there ARE turnouts about every 20 FEET and some asshole decides to go 20 mph BELOW the speed limit and will not, for the life of him/her, PULL THE FUCK OVER!! Do you not SEE the 800 cars lined up behind you?? Jesus…
Okay, I have out of province (out of state) plates, I am driving in the center lane (three lanes in each direction), I see a sign indicating the exit I am going to have to take, I activate my signal lights to change lanes so I can take the exit, and YOU FUCKING ACCELERATE AND PULL UP NEXT TO ME SO I CAN’T CHANGE LANES… thank you so much you mindless fuck, I will remember your hospitality forever.
This thank you message is directed to drivers in Toronto, Ontario, Hamilton, Ontario, Ottawa, Ontario, Montreal, Quebec, Quebec City, Quebec, Vancouver, B.C., Victoria, B.C., Minneapolis, Minnesota and Burlington, Vermont. Strangely enough, no one ever did this to me in New York, New York or Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Hey there, sport! That’s pretty cool how you can drive all over the parking lot without any regards to other vehicles because it’s largely empty. However, you’re gonna wait your happy 45-degrees from the actual lane ass right there while I, who am travelling correctly in the lot, go by. There, now I’m gone, you can continue your little anarchy party.
Mr. Volvo, I’m sorry the station wagon behind you isn’t driving fast enough for you. That must be very frustrating. You know what else is frustrating? You hitting your brakes every 2 seconds because of it. Have you no yet figured out that the station wagon isn’t going to go the speed you want? No, because you keep accellerating and then hitting the brakes. Your brake lights are flashign on and off constantly and for a while there I thought maybe you were signalling to me in morse code. God help us if you actually have to come to a full stop, because I’ve been now trained to disregard your lights. So here’s to you, Mr. Volvo, who is simultaneously annoying the station wagon by riding his ass and me by playing with your brakes.
Wifey and I were beating cheeks to Fredericksburg for R&R a couple of weeks ago on a four lane with minimal traffic. I’ve got a powerful old Benz and we were letting an A6 hold the door open for us, following at 80 about 50 yards back. In Texas it’s customary for the left lane that we were in to be the fast lane and slower traffic stays right.
Customary didn’t matter to the maroon pickup with the Asshole & Moron sticker obscuring his rear-felching mirror. This cum receptacle swerves over once the A6 passed him to intentionally block us for some god forsaken reason. I had to swerve left and brake hard enough to wake said wife from a pleasant slumber which, I’d hoped, was just a bad lane change decision on his part.
Why for fuck’s sake would this plasmahead then move over and block me to the right too? Why is this motorized roll of toilet paper out looking for shit?
I don’t know and didn’t care until I went way left to pass him and saw him blowing “fuck you” kisses at me with his FUCKING KID sitting right next to him. Who in their retarded mind would intentionally fuck with a complete stranger and his sleeping wife when they’ve got their kid in the vehicle with 'em? Unfrikkinbelivable.
Damn you, you porch-sittin, banjo-playing, technicolor baboon ass-desiring piece of road butt rash. I loathe your inconsiderate, vomitorious self and reserve a great deal of pity for your poor child. You, Dadwad, are why birth control was developed.
ride your ass while you are in a 20 MPH school zone… lights flashing right next to the sign " fines will be doubled for speeding in a school zone when lights are flashing"
