Co-worker: My sister told me that if you put a douche in the freezer for an hour before you use it, it will stop your period.
Me: You know that’s bullshit, right?
Co-worker: Yeah, but I’m gonna try it anyway, I have a date tonight.
Eek.
I wonder if his tongue will stick to it, like a flagpole in the winter…
I wanted to make a joke about a frigid cunt, but I think she would have taken it badly.
15 years ago, my boss argued with me that Gandalf was an historical character. A couple of years later, I found her reading LOTR and she told me it was her first reading of it. :eek:
Man, mine can’t compare. I’m going to laugh hysterically every time I hear the word ‘‘sack,’’ for the rest of my life.
My husband told me today that he had a ‘‘revelation.’’ Someone was talking about thermodynamics and used the analogy of the pot with the lid heating faster than the pot without the lid.
You see where this is going, right?
‘‘Please don’t tell me your revelation was that pots with lids boil faster because it traps the heated water vapor.’’
guilty stare ‘‘Well, on the other hand… my food is going to start cooking a lot faster!’’
To be fair, it recently occurred to me that by Six geese a laying, the song is implying that the geese are laying… eggs.
Now I’ve got the image of geese laying bricks stuck in my head…
What exactly did you think they were laying?
You know, I thought they were laying… down.
Me: Hi there, Ma’am. Would you like to try milking the cow today?
Her: You ever see a Black Woman milking a cow?
Everyone at the fair: 
Because Blacks don’t do agriculture. Not now or ever.
Thanks. Now I have a grain of rice stuck in my sinus.
I cook a lot. A pot with a lid definitely heats quicker than one without. Or am I being whooshed?
Leaffan, you are correct. My husband realized, today, the basic science behind the reason a pot with a lid boils faster than one without–because it traps heat.
Biology teacher: “Can anyone give me a hypothesis as to why the US has much more of an obesity problem than Europe!”
Girl in front: “Is it because the clothes sizes are different?”
My dad once reinvented the quadratic formula right before turning the page and seeing it right there in front of him.
Once, when I was a wee freshman debater, we were debating the topic of the death penalty.
My opponent was of the opinion that the death penalty is the only option to stop repeat offenders for sure- a common if not reasonable argument. He then went on to say that recidivism rates are high - generalization, sure, but I’ll buy the general sentiment he’s tossing my way. He then went on to give an example under one of his contentions.
What was his example? Hannibal Lecter.
You see, no amount of psychological intervention, prison, or other punishment could truly stop Hannibal Lecter. The only way to stop Hannibal Lecter, you see, is to off him with capital punishment.
Cross examination came and, naturally, my first question was: “So, you do know that Hannibal Lecter was a fictional character in a horror movie- and book series, right?”
He was adamant that Hannibal Lecter was a way bad man in history who did lots of bad things and how DARE I defend such a vicious killer?
“You’re not perhaps thinking of HANNIBAL, the military general from Carthage, are you? I mean, I don’t know if I’d call him a serial killer or anything, but he’s the only prominent historical guy named Hannibal I can think of.”
My opponent was absolutely astounded that I did not know the TRUE story of Hannibal Lecter After the round, I asked him if he was just BSing, trying to pull one over on the judge. Oh, no! He quite seriously believed that Hannibal Lecter was a real guy who needed to be done away with through the Death Penalty.
And of course, you came off as the idiot in his eyes, because you obviously don’t know history. Much like the guy who was convinced that I suck at guitar because I don’t know to play “basic guitar.” Hey, I suck so much that I don’t even know what “basic guitar” is.
I need closure on this pre-date douching. Please please tell me she youtubed it.
They pretty much had to. Up until they invented chicken, there was nothing to say that bizarre food tasted like.
“Hey, how’s that roasted asp?”
“Not bad, tastes like, tastes like…wait, I’ll get back to you.”
She’s onto something. If all those petite asian women wore clothing made by some Russian-Central Euro outfit, asians would all pork out like us… And if you gave only petite asian outfits to the stocky central European women, you would see a great shift in fat mass over to asia.
This has been my pet tin foil hat theory for years.
A friend, a school teacher, had a major blonde moment when she asked me,
" When is March Is Reading Month ?"
[Sallah] Asps. Very dangerous. You eat first.[/sallah.]
This was from one of my graduate courses. We had all researched some kind of social program and went around describing the program and then we discussed how you would evaluate the program, how it could be expanded or improved, etc. One guy described a prostate cancer screening program targeted toward African-American men. Another guy asked a follow-up question: why did the program only target men? About a minute into the silence that followed, a light bulb almost visibly appeared above his head …
That reminds me of a stupid utterance that I’m guilty of. When I was a kid, my older brother instructed me to salt water for pasta because this increased its density, raising the boiling point, thereby cooking the noodles faster.
By the time that it occurred to me how insignificant this effect would necessarily be, I was posting at this board, and within moments of that revelation I started a thread asking why we actually do this, since it couldn’t possibly have a noticible effect on cooking time.
The obvious answer honestly never occurred to me. :o