Indiana Jones vs. Captain Jack Sparrow

So, here’s a hypothetical scenario. That’s right; Skald-style.

So, in the Caribbean is a tropical, jungle-filled island. On the center of said island is an ancient temple, built by some long-forgotten native culture and guarded by evil priests, undead conquistadors, and devious traps. Within this temple lies the Gem of Eternity–a magical stone which shall give its owner eternal life.

Captain Jack Sparrow, having heard the legend of said artifact in a bar one night, schemes and plots for his crew to mutiny and maroon him on said island, so that he may go after the artifact without interruption. Of course, Barbossa manages to figure out Jack’s plan and follows close on his heels, accompanied by a number of lackeys.

Meanwhile, the Nazis find out about this artifact and decide to go after it as well. The American government decides to send renown archaeologist Indiana Jones to recover the artifact before the Germans get their hands on it. Unfortunately, since both Harrison Ford and Johnny Depp were hired, the cast budget is already empty, and Indiana does not get his customary female assistant.

So, who gets to the Gem of Eternity first? Jones or Sparrow? And, in the inevitable struggle that follows, who manages to go home with the prize?

Jack Sparrow fights with a sword. He likes to show off.

We know what Indy does to sword-wielding show-offs.

But whenever Indy really needs his gun, he drops it, or it runs out of ammo. Like when he was fighting on top of a tank in Last Crusade. Don’t get me wrong, he can mow down cannon fodder with his pistol; but has he ever shot and hit a plot critical character? I think not. Captain Jack did, in his first movie.

Captain Jack wouldn’t get the chance to become a plot-critical character. Plus, as seen when Indy and the slaver fought atop the conveyor belt-fed rock crusher, spacetime itself will warp when our whip-wielding protagonist is in danger.

Jack is incompetent but blessed with the luck of a fool. He will get to the gem first, but fumble it into the hands of the Nazis who will activate it and be killed by its unexpected deadly properties after which it will fall into a pit of lava. Jack will find his hat and go off on another adventure. Indy will get laid and go back to University.

Top. Men.

Clearly time travel is involved, since Indy and Jack lived in different centuries. Therefore, I’m guessing the Doctor gets it somehow. (Who, not Jones.)

Since he’s running out of regenerations, but I’ve heard they’re going to let him have “extra” ones to keep the show going, this could solve that problem.

For those who don’t know, in Mawdryn Undead, the 5th Doctor says Time Lords have twelve regenerations.

I’d disagree that Jack is incompetent - see how he defeats Barbossa in the end of Black Pearl, he’s crafty. But, still, this sounds about right for a straight-up PotC film (well, except for the presence of Nazis), but it reduces Indy to even more of a by-stander than he is in Raiders.

So, Indy’s tracking it, but repeatedly falls for diversions left by Jack, or rabbiting off on false trails Jack’s accidentally left, due to the fact he was, you know, Jack.

Jack’s path follows the one you set above, until the end.

After the Nazis get the gem, Jack and Indy independently go after it, ending up accidentally working together to retrieve it - Jack, through craftiness or accident, sets up a shot that Indy can exploit, that sort of thing - and when the fight’s over, Indy’s got the gem.

Of course, Jack will try to retrieve it. That could end in two ways:

Jack: waves gun ‘I believe that was mine, mate.’
Indy: raises own gun ‘My gun has 5 bullets left. Does yours?’
Jack: pauses, puts gun away ‘Fair play, enjoy.’


Jack: ‘MINE!’
Indy: ‘The hell it is!’

A fight ensues and the gem gets destroyed.

Jack: gives Indy a lopsided grin and shrug ‘Yours.’
Indy: heavy sigh ‘Why couldn’t it have just been snakes?’

Another question: How many times does Jack switch sides in the final four way fight for the Gem?

Jack Sparrow. Because I like Depp a lot and I don’t like Ford that much. And I’m still sore about Crystal Skull .

That’s another thing - Indy seems to have friends everywhere in the world, and where he doesn’t, he makes new ones. Has Jack ever had a “friend” who hasn’t betrayed him at least once?

Gibbs? He only abandons Sparrow because he tells him too (though Jack is still mad about it afterwards…)

Indy’s friends might not backstab him, but his girlfriends do. And any hired help always seems to secretly be working for the other guy.

Please - every cast member has betrayed Jack at some point - the Keira Knightly character, the Orlando Bloom character, Barbossa and the original crew of the Black Pearl, his replacement crew… honestly, is there a single character he interacted with that didn’t try to sell him out at some point?

Marion stows away on this mission, appearing only when the situation gets tense. At some point, when Sparrow has the gem, she and Jack have a drinking contest. She wins the gem from him, but he burps hellacious breath at her, so she drops it. A Nazi catches it, but Jones flicks it out of the Nazi’s hands with his whip. A handsome, Nazi-controlled rival archelogist kidnaps Marion, so Jones and Sparrow make a temporary alliance to rescue her and the gem. Jones gets Marion, Sparrow gets the gem. Sparrow accidently triggers its occult powers, destorying the Nazis, and, seemingly, himself. The gem drops to the ground, where it is retrieved by Pete and Myka, who bag it in a flash of purple light. Agents J and K also show up, grab the gem, and return it to their alien friends, after which they flashy-thing everyone. Which is the only plausible explanation for Indy walking out on Marion, and not knowing about their son.

Let’s be honest–I love Indy, but both times he was against the Nazi’s, he was Hitler’s little bitch, only escaping an evil fate at the last minute because he read a book somewhere once.

Sparrow would have an obvious technology curve to overcome, but he doesn’t have any “It belongs in a museum” ethical code to slow him down, and while Indy is undeniably resourceful, Jack’s obsessive self-interest would allow him to survive any bind he’s in and come out ahead right at the opportune moment. Indy’s “opportune moment” usually doesn’t come until God intervenes.

Advantage Jack.

Sparrow gets the gem from the bad dudes and then subsequently loses it back to them. This goes back and forth for an hour until Indy wins the prize in the end.

You know, now that I think about it, if done right it could actually make a very fun (and profitable) cross-over.

Nah. Too penny ante for The Doctor. However, it’s just right for Captain Jack Harkness! He uses his vortex manipulator to bridge the time gap, seduces Sparrow, zaps Jones with his sonic blaster, survives the Nazis and the pirates by virtue of being immortal, and escapes with the gem.