Oh, what a night. Okay, so here’s the drill. My uncle makes this delicious lemon cream cheese cookie bar. (Also a chocolate version.) I have thought of trying to make it because it is so good. It’s also supposedly really easy.
Tomorrow we’re having an office party to celebrate the birthdays of the month. Now I’m no dummy, I signed up to bring plates. But for some reason I got to thinking, “Wouldn’t it be fun to make this cookie bar recipe and show up tomorrow with dessert, too?”
Only one problem - I don’t know the recipe. I talked to my uncle about it once before, and remember it basically uses cream cheese and a cake mix. Okay, that was easy to get on the way home. But then I’m thinking, what proportions? Cook how long at what temp? I don’t know - like I’ve ever baked anything before.
Well there was that one incident in home ec in Jr high, where we were supposed to make cookies. Somehow me and my partners screwed up the measurements and put in 3 times the water. We had a cookie bar, alright. Runny cookie sludge all over the pan, baked it out. Also ended up overcooking. Yeah, I’m destined to be a chef. (Ever wonder why my food comes from a box?)
Then I had this brilliant idea - I’d let my fingers do the walking across this thing called a keyboard. Popped up a google search, pulled up in one hit a recipe site for lemon cookie bars - bingo! Six clicks and I have a recipe calling for a lemon cake mix and an 8oz block of cream cheese. It also says 1/3 cup of oil (no prob, I still have some of that as I’ve used it for frying before), 1 tsp lemon juice (okay I can probably get by without that, just won’t be quite as tangy), and ---- 2 eggs. Eggs? I don’t have any stinking eggs. I mean I haven’t had a reason for eggs in forever. Really. I bought a half a dozen when I moved in 5 years ago. I figured I might want to fry one sometime for breakfast or something. I think I used two right away or something. 3 years later I finally decide I really ought to get rid of them - they can’t be good any more, and I’d hate someone to mistake them for something edible. So I picked them up to throw them out - they were empty. Yep - they’d dried out. Doh!
So I’m pondering running up to the store to buy eggs so I can have 2, and I finally decide to see how well I know my neighbors. (Not well.) I wander down to this lady downstairs whom I’ve seen in passing a few times and exchanged pleasantries once or twice. She responded to the knock on the door groggy and hair mussed. Apparently she’d just returned from Vegas and was all sleep-scrambled. She politely and happily gave me the 2 eggs, no problem. Thanks a bunch, really.
So I set to the task of attempting this cookie bar recipe. First step is to mix the cake mix, one egg, and the oil in a bowl. Note to self, next time use a larger bowl. Note to self - mixing lots of dry stuff with a very small amount of fluid is hard with a fork. Get a mixer. A real mixer. So I trudged away at it with my fork and finally got something clumpy for a mix. Had to reserve a cup of it, then… grease the pan.
Now when buying the cake mix and cream cheese I was smart enough to realize I probably didn’t have any baking pan to use and bought one. But now I’m thinking, what do I remember about greasing a pan? I used margarine and spread it around in a big mess all over the surface. What a joy. Then poured the clumps of mix into the pan and flattened it out to form the “crust”. In the oven for 15 mins.
Next comes the cream cheese. Mix with second egg and sugar. SUGAR!?!?! Where did that come from? It wasn’t in the ingredients list? Luckily, I have sugar. But how much? Okay, random guess about a cup. That looks right (?)
Mix until “fluffy”. Fluffy? At this point I remembered I have one of those had mixer jobs, the cheap kind. I dig it out and use it to mix the sugar, egg, and cream cheese. It actually worked pretty well at getting a smooth consistency. It did take some work to get it all done right - especially in a plastic bowl. But it never did get “fluffy”. A smooth, even, creamy texture, but not “fluffy”.
Okay, pour the new mix on top of the crust, add the sprinkles of crust on the top, stick in oven for another 15 mins. Bingo! Cookie bar.
Now comes the moment of truth - the taste test. Cut off a sliver, sample… Score! It’s pretty good. Okay, it’s not pretty, but it’s kinda tasty. Nope, can’t eat all the cookie bar tonight, take it to work tomorrow and share. And don’t tell them it was an experiment!
And I even have the perfect response for anyone who asks why a bite is missing already. “Lot testing.”
[Explanation of inside joke: it’s an engineering thing. Buy quantities of items with special processing that you can’t test each item, you take a selective set representing the lot, and test that set. I couldn’t test the whole cookie bar - yum -, so tested a sample set. I know, explain the joke and ruin it in the tedium. If you’re not an engineer, trust me it’s funny. If you are, you were laughing until I explained it, right?]
Now I remember why I don’t cook.
