Okay, here’s my plan.
The awesome military might detailed in this thread is heavily dependent on the exorbitant U.S. defense budget, about $380 billion this year alone. The maintenance of those satellites, submarines, troops, carriers, and missiles is very expensive.
I would attack the U.S. on the multi-decade plan. The first stage would be to degrade the U.S. economy. This would be difficult, but there are a couple of weak spots, the most important of which is oil. This single commodity is the energy supply for our factories, for farmer’s tractors that feed us, and for the generation of the electricity that keeps us out of the nineteenth century. Seriously attack the oil supply and in ten years a lot of that U.S. military might will be rusty, busted, and out of gas.
How can this be accomplished? It would require a unity in the Middle East that is unlikely to occur without a conqueror arising in that region. Even then, it would drastically pummel the economy of the entire rest of the world, including - perhaps especially - the Middle East itself. So if we can imagine a powerful uniter of the disparate oil-controlling nations of that part of the world, we also have to imagine him as a dictator who could maintain power while his people starved and languished in poverty through his own actions.
I will now assume the role of such a dictator.
I first sieze Nigeria and Venezuela to finish consolidating my oil power. I keep the U.S. from squawking by threatening to cut off the Middle East oil I already control if they interfere. By promising to increase output, I will be allowed to liberate the oppressed peasants of Caracas to my enlightened rule. Indeed, I will all the way along prove myself to be the best of U.S. allies, backing them in every political debate, supplying oil in a steady and uninterrupted flow at historically cheap prices, and otherwise making myself a buddy.
Until the day I turn the faucet off. I wouldn’t do this, of course, in a way that would precipitate war. I would just start raising prices a little faster than the U.S. can adapt. Then, maybe, I would have an unfortunate spate of well fires and tanker accidents. Maybe government regulations would choke the ability of my oil fields to keep up their equipment - you know, it’s hard to meet my tough environmental standards, and who can bitch about that? The Greens in Europe applaud me. Over a few years, the oil production falls by 10%, then 20%. Then it’s El Nino and a very cold winter. I have to balance the needs of the world with those of the U.S. don’t I? And if Europe and Japan are getting adequate amounts of a commodity that is, after all, in short supply, are they really going to piss me off by taking the side of the U.S. when it complains? In time, I have squeezed the energy supply of the U.S. to the point where it is only 50% of current levels - and that is fifteen years down the road, when the energy demand is 130% of what it is today!
The awesome might of the Soviet Union decayed surprisingly fast when their economy went south. I have no reason to believe U.S. high-tech gear would be any more robust against my onslaught of poverty.
Coupled with my economic attack I would sneak into the U.S. a few cells of people trained not in anything as silly as making C4 out of moth balls and bleach, but trained rather in psychology and even oratory. Their job would be to pose as Americans and enter the political system if at all possible, at the municipal and state level. Then when things went to hell, they would blame those damn fat cats in Washington and otherwise rabble rouse. The central government would be demonized by very eloquent voices for ignoring the people’s needs. The ultimate goal is to develop seperatist sentiments in various regions of the United States, and otherwise undermine support for your federal rulers, who of course are “laughing it up at their country clubs while good, honest folk are starving”. If my people are found out, or caught, they still serve my purpose: Knowing that foreign agent provocateurs are worming their way into the government, how trustful would people be of those in power, generally? The economy has tanked and the President has not taken action nearly drastic enough. Why, maybe he’s an agent, too! Anyone could be! With any luck, we’d get a witch hunt right at the most vulnerable moment.
Then I attack France. Not just because their snooty and have it coming, either. Actually, I have been almost as staunch an ally of France over the years as I have been of the U.S. Now I arrange to make it look like American troops invading Brittany, or an American bomb exploding in Marseilles, or whatever. I doubt the French public would harbor a moment’s doubt about those evil cowboys attacking them. I’ve had ten years to condition them, and really it didn’t take much effort. When rumors spread about how it was really me, I respond with genuine shock and reluctantly take sides with my only true, sniff, loyal friend, the United States. Not that I will take part in any combat, of course. It’s just moral support. With just a little luck, a war with France will wear out what’s left of the U.S. arsenal and alienate at least half the world.
Now I embark on my invasion, attacking Washington itself. Surprise! At the same time I announce that I have no intention of taking over the country or spreading my troops beyond the capital. I am simply looking for reasonable and fair concessions (which I will think of when the moment comes) out of a repressive government which has abused and ignored the wishes of its own people. Heck, I even demand that Washington finally concede to those regional requests that the people of, say, California and, oh let’s see, Georgia, have been beseeching it for. The Californians see that I am taking their side against their own government! Several very eloquent officials and pundits (with rather shadowy and mysterious backgrounds, if anyone bothered to check) point out the irony in adrenalin-riddled words. Alaska is offered independence if they want it, and with the world oil supply depressed their eyes blink with a “kaching” sound, and they readily agree to go their own way so as to be able to price oil at the market instead of the deep discounts that Washington has been desperately demanding for the past ten years. The rest of the world, offered hope of relief from the horrible depression of the last twenty years, takes its leadership from Europe and adopts a bold “wait and see” policy. Not that I would ever suggest that there’s any avoidance of responsibility here. There is a great deal of monitoring of this and that by the U.N. If I don’t comply with their wishes at some point, they will give me a stern admonishment. Maybe two if they’re feeling really aggressive.
Once I have the pentagon in my control, it turns out that I can’t just withdraw. Americans surely understand the need to rebuild a war-worn and occupied country! I have a responsibility to reunite this once great nation. The world demands it! Then I’ll withdraw, I swear. No, really. I mean it.
I take the remains of the U.S. military and dump funding into it to rebuild it and make it capable of subduing those regions that have been less than loyal to the central government during this crisis. See? I am acting in the best interests of America and the world. Of course, in practical terms, I am now the central government. I remind you Americans of your past greatness and point out that I am not conquering you, I am merely creating a larger republic which includes both you and my other territories. Naturally, you will be the most important and central part. And of course the combined resources of such a great nation will make us all rich again. I can hardly keep the schools from posting my portrait in every classroom.
Where did I get the money to fund the rebuilding of the army when the U.S itself is close to broke? Curiously, I moved a lot of money into gold and other non-depreciating tangibles just before a lot of the world’s currencies took a dive. It’s almost as if I knew when those tankers were going to crash and those well fires were going to break out. Just lucky I guess. Luck has dogged me my whole career as dictator.
I now have the U.S. military working for me to finish my conquest.
Does that count as a successful invasion?
