I agree with this. I work customer service in that I’m in library circulation, and while I can understand and work with the occasional bad mood, I do not tolerate that sort of thing on either side of the desk. If I’m on shift, and you’re a patron, you will observe our library’s regulations, you will keep your voice down, and you will treat me and anyone behind the desk with me with basic dignity if not actual respect. Otherwise, I’ll kick your ass out of the library, and if you can’t find the exit, I’ll happily call security to help you in your search. What’s more, I pride myself on treating everyone the same; the professor emeritus has to follow the same rules as the high school kid working on his summer project. I’m absurdly proud of my ability to do all that without raising my voice, and I’m totally behind tdn’s hanging up the phone here.
Also, I’ve posted in threads like this about Frank, my coworker. Just a total dickhead who doesn’t have the people skills God gave granite, but he’s there to stay. The managers won’t deal with him, HR won’t deal with him, and so I deal with him. I don’t lose my temper (You’re definitely headed for trouble there, tclouie), but I just freeze him out. When he tries that shit on me, I just tell him in a calm voice that he’s rude, and I’m not talking to him anymore that day, much less doing anything he tells me to do (FTR, he has absolutely no authority over me.). He sputters and fumes and walks off to his desk, where he actually sulks. He’s got the whole sulking thing down like the schoolyard bully who just lost his first fight on the playground . . . which is exactly what he is.
Learn to freeze people out, tclouie. The Franks of the world, the batshit crazy drivers and other assorted nuts of the world get off on making you do exactly what you did, which was lose your cool and ruin your own damn day. Freeze them out. Learn to look at them serenely and ignore them at the same time, and learn to smile as you do it, as if they’re actually brightening your day. Which they are, because freezing them out pisses them off to no end. It’s beautiful. The look on Frank’s face as he sputters and stumbles away is enough to make me treat the next 50 patrons in a row like they were my own flesh and blood. And I get to tell Mrs. Fresh about it that night still basking in the glow.
Assholes fucking hate being blown off. It’s like you’re disrespecting their hard-won assaholic credentials. Learn from that.
Instead of resorting to the “Well, fuck you too.” reply, I would have told him that I will go back in the car (or talk me friend into moving his…he/she was a jerk too) and move it if he gave a sincere apology for verbalizing his “Fuck you.” His response to that request will determine if the person just had a spontaneous spike of anger or if I’m actually dealing with a real jerk. Let them decide what kind of person they actually are, and give them a level of power to overcome their own anger or succumb to it. Give them an out, so to speak.
Really the question is why would you allow someone else, especially a stranger you’ll never see again, to dictate your mood? Why would I be angry that this crazy woman is throwing a temper tantrum about her lost spot? Gee, that’s sucks that you’re upset lady. Why don’t you pick up some scented candles at Bed Bath & Beyond or something?
I do believe that a measured aggressive response is appropriate and can work it certain situations. I used to have a very abusive boss. She would always be snapping at people and ranting and throwing little tantrums. 90% of the time I just ignored them and focused on doing what she asked me to do. Except one time she starts yelling at me in front the other managers (we’re all managers and directors who reported to her) about some task that apparently I was supposed to just know was required of my team. So I just looked right at her and firmly told her I had no idea what she was talking about since she at no point has ever bothered to tell me what I was supposed to be doing since I got here. I didn’t yell or swear but it was definitely a tone that said “I am not afraid of you and I will get into it with you right here and now in front of all these people if you want to throw down.” From that point on she was all smiles. As it happens, I’m the only one from that group who still has his job.
The big difference in that situation is that is an ongoing relationship with someone who thinks they will get what they want by trying to bully me. In that case, it’s ok to let them know that is not an effective technique.
Pretty much the same thing as the polite request for the error message (screaming, insults, and hanging up on me). FTR, my boss is pretty understanding, and I never got in trouble for his little rants when I was trying to be polite. In this particular customer’s case, though, it’s just easier for everyone involved if I use the “I’m gonna be just as pissy as you” method of customer support.
But there’s also the question of why anyone should deal with someone who insists on being a jerk. If you stop taking this guy’s calls, he’ll probably head to your competition, there to cause much heartache, strife and loss of productivity - no bad thing from your point of view.
Unless the guy is an unusually fine source of revenue, it may be smart to dump him.
I generally let stuff roll off my back, but one time I let the spittle fly and I still feel completely justified.
I was walking in front of a car that was waiting to turn out of a parking lot. Normally I would go behind a car in such a position, but I saw the on-coming traffic and knew that the driver was going to be sitting there for awhile. Just as I stepped in front of her bumper she jumped forward for no explicable reason, almost hitting me.
I ambled along like nothing happened because hey, I’ve done dumb shit like that myself. And like I said, I should have walked around her car instead of taking the chance that she’d see me.
The old biddy whined from her window, “Uh, you really need to watch where you’re going!”
I don’t know what happened, but it was like her shrill voice hit a switch in my brain. I whipped my head around and in my scariest voice, I growled, “YOU FUCKING NEED TO WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!!!” She immediately looked horror-stricken and I don’t feel the least bit sorry. She had almost killed me when I had the right of way and she was going to sit there and scold me? HELL TO THE NAW!
I know that doesn’t seem all that bad, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so angry at a stranger before.
Well, Twain wouldn’t have used “looses” in that way. I went to look for the quote and (so far) haven’t found it. Perhaps you mean this quote from Oscar Wilde?
This was not such a case. Your driver was in the wrong, even if the other driver was also in the wrong. As the passenger, you did not have any role in this dispute until you made one.
Since you indicate this is a pattern, I respectfully suggest that you examine your behavior that leads to these situations. It’s not normal to be the recipient of frequent random verbal attacks by strangers. It is normal for people to react verbally when they encounter rude or offensive behavior. So unless there is something inherent in your physical appearance that draws unfair attacks, this pattern is one that you can change.
Hey, I *was *going to say, “Paul Harvey said that Mark Twain is the most misattributed author on the Internet,” but I figured that no one would get it and just think I’m an idiot.
I appreciate the comments on this thread in all their variety, but I wonder why so many people think my driver was wrong, when the other driver would have had to go against traffic to grab the spot, AND apparently thought they were entitled anyway, AND nearly rammed! us, AND waited around to verbally assault us the second we got out? Ashamed as I am of my own behavior, I feel nothing for that other driver.
Well, it never feels normal to me, even when it’s happening! I’m glad you apparently live in a polite community, but unprovoked verbal aggression against strangers is quite common, and getting worse. Lots of free-floating anger out there.
Bingo! (First part of your sentence.) “Physical appearance” is frequently the excuse. It was even the excuse during my slimmer periods, because I’ve never been svelte or rail-thin. Apparently it’s “safe” or socially acceptable among certain peer groups to publicly mock the fat guy. Oh yes, I guess I could change the pattern of being overweight, like everyone could. But do I have to put up with everyone’s shite in the meantime?
Robert Morley said that he and other plus-size Englishmen like Peter Ustinov had had to “master the bitchy retort” in their youth. I guess I’m no Robert Morley.
I assume that parking spots are scarce, and your driver took away the spot this guy was waiting for. That’s a major dick move, and none of the ramming yelling or anything else would have happened if your driver didn’t choose to be a dick.
I also don’t care about how he was going “the wrong way”, it’s a parking lot, not the interstate. Your friend took the spot because he was too lazy to find another one, and he found a way to justify it so that he could convince himself that he didn’t do anything wrong. This is how some people always seem to get into arguments and fights even though they “didn’t do anything” to start it. They are actually always doing something to start it, they simply find a way to justify their actions and act the victim.
I just rememberd my actual favorite reason for why the answer to your question is “No, it is not ok, especially in a situation like you describe”
Many years ago, similar deal. Dont’ feel like typing it out, so I’ll cut to the punchline: the other guy got out of his car and came and stood next to ours, on the driver’s side, next to my boyfriend’s face. He didn’t even bend over. He had a gun in his hand. He asked if my boyfriend wanted to say that again. My boyfriend replied “no SIR”.
People are crazy and violent. It’s not worth it. Move on.
