Is it just me, or is this more than marginally creepy?

In My Humble Opinion
41

So people which is creepiest?

A retouched photo?

An actual photo of a macerated baby with blood-red lips and fingernails?

Or would you prefer bereaved parents to have no photos of their dearly beloved lost babies? Hmmm? Because it’s ooogly and not nice? The whole freaking thing is not nice.

This is a thread which seems to come up on a yearly basis and I’m increasingly disturbed by the ignorance displayed of just how deep the grief can be when a baby is lost. Most parents who have a stillborn baby don’t see what is wrong – they focus on what is right about their child. FWIW my son was very badly macerated and yet Mr P wanted to use a photo in the memorial library which was set up in Ambrose’s memory.

Part of the reason that it is so important for parents to give their baby a place in their ongoing life is that it is very hard to grieve a person who (in general) was only real to the mother. Having a baby who is just gone with no memories is one of the most painful experiences of grief you can imagine. When the midwife handed me my son and said ‘this is your time as a family’ it was one of the most bitter experiences of my life.

I was so out of touch with reality that I had to be carried out of the chapel after the funeral. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t bringing my baby home to be safe.

In that context the photos and portraits help because they make the loss real. You can see the baby and it really does help to make sense of the whole ordeal.

There is nothing more painful in the world than the fact that nobody speaks your baby’s name and that they are gone forever without you having known them.

42

Primaflora, in my haste to add my thoughts, I overlooked your post. I cannot find words to express my condolences to you. You have been where no parent should ever have to go.

Again, my sincerest, deepest sympathies.

43

I’m going to weigh in here, and I hope Lil’Shiste does also, as he’s my brother and can also add to this discussion.

Last year, My sister lost her son, 7 days after his birth, due to three birth defects affecting his heart.

My Mother still has one photo oh him displayed amongst the family photos, My sister two or three on her wall.

Granted the photos we have weren’t taken post-mortem, but how would it change WHO or WHAT the photo’s are of, if that is the deciding factor?

We had 7 days to enjoy his short life. Some parents as expressed in this very thread, did NOT have that chance. Is it wrong for them to still treat that child the same? Hell no! That was STILL their child. THEIR flesh and blood. THEIR son, Daughter, Brother, Sister, Nephew or Neice. Not a lump of flesh.

I admit to myself having had a feeling of being punched in the gut looking at that site, but I think that was due to the 'hamhandedness" of the retouches. I’ve seem MUCH better. But what also some people don’t think of, is that sometimes the only pictures a grieving mother or family have is of the child with tubes, wires, and whatnot all over the place, and sometimes someone with a good talent can takes those things out, and give that family something to remind them of their lost loved one.

While to someone who hasn’t lost a child in this manner could find it repulsive, alot of it is due to not having experienced such a loss.

I am usually a pretty stoic person, and rarely tear up over things, but Primaflora and Potter You got to me. My condolances along with the others Primaflora

44

One more minor point: when my newborn daughter was in intensive care, and I had to be away from her a large part of the day on my own ward, I looked at the polaroid picture of her all the time, and showed it to anyone who was interested, because it felt like all I had, even though she was only a few floors down. And she wasn’t even very sick. I can imagine that if things had been worse, that picture would have been even more precious to me.

45

Reading all of your posts have definitely drilled home the point to me, and I’m sure quite a few others. I don’t think I made my point very clear the first time, so I’ll try again…

Speaking as someone who has not (there but for the grace of God) gone through this horrible experience, at first it seemed disturbing to me…but then I read the posts of those who have personal experiences.

I once had a friend of mine die in my arms, after being struck by a car. At the funeral I wondered to myself why they would’ve had an open casket. The accident was violent, and even with all of the makeup, she looked wrong . These posts helped me to see that even that was done to help friends and family have closure.

I apologize for my earlier insensitivity.

46

A study has been published in The Lancet about whether parents should see their stillborn children. Articles are here and here. The consencus seems to be “to each his/her own,” that some people benefit and some don’t. Given the variety in human experience, I guess that only makes sense.

47

I can’t quite bring myself to say everything that I want to say on this . . .

My initial reaction that this is creepy is probably from “social programming.” After thinking about it a little, though, I changed my mind.

I loved my daughter for months before she was born and I had a pretty clear mental picture of what I thought she would look like by the time my wife went into labor. The first time I saw my daughter, I thought she was beautiful. I suppose, had my daughter been stillborn, that I would find a picture of her valuable for some of the reasons already mentioned. I’m not usually sentimental, but I do like to have pictures of people I love. I don’t know if I would retouch a photo to make a dead baby appear alive, but I can understand the desire to do so.

For the record, I should say that I didn’t go to the website in question–I’m just speaking about the idea, here.

To those here who have lost a child, please accept my condolences. As a new parent myself, I want to say that I understand, but I know that I really don’t.

48

Is this creepy to me? Well, yeah. Does it mean that anyone who derives comfort from it is creepy? Obviously, no. Whatever gives people comfort during a difficult time is OK with me, as long as it’s not harming anyone. And this obviously isn’t.

It’s hard to see on my little laptop screen, but the retouching does look pretty bad. I used to be a photo retoucher, I could do a much better job (as could all my photo retouching colleagues). One of my coworkers said that she sometimes had to retouch photos of stillborn babies. She could hardly do it, for all the tears she shed.