hokay…for those of you who are not aware, my daughter was stillborn in september of 2002. It was and continues to be the most painful period of my life. If any of you would like to read what I had to say about her at that time, please find ithere .
Now, It so happens that our family and doctors and nurses had the foresight to take some pictures of our daughter, including one of my wife holding her. I had this image digitally enhanced to remove some tears from my wifes face. The end result is a beautiful picture of my wife and my baby girl. Montana was not mishapen in any way, she is a beautiful little girl and when looking at this picture, you would merely think her asleep. I have placed this picture in a silver baby picture frame on my desk at work.
Someone came into my office today and requested that I hide said picture from sight. apparently, it’s “offensive” to see a picture of my baby girl. This person was told that if they didn’t like my picture, they didn’t have to look at it but it would be remaining where it was. I should add here that the picture is in a prominent place on my desk for me, but unless you’re standing right behind me it is hidden by my computer monitor, so when I said this person didn’t have to look at it, I wasn’t kidding. They repeated their request that I hide my picture. I repeated my assertion that it would not be moving. This insensitive son of a bitch actually said to me, “I don’t want to look at your dead child.” Once this brilliant assertion was clear of this fuckwits head, all I was able to say was “get out.” Maybe it was the tone in my voice or the fact that I was nearly in tears, but they left. Quickly.
Due to extreme anger and hurt from this comment I was not able to say what I wanted to. And now, since the matter has been settled from on high, (To my favour btw, Montana stays where she is. yay!) I can’t say anything to this person. I’ll say it here. You insensitive little speck of shit. How dare you speak to me about my child that way. You don’t want to see her? Fine, stay away from the left side of my desk, or better yet, stay well clear of my office. I was able to control myself on this issue once. I would not put money on my ability to do so ever again. You don’t want to see her? Try living with the memory of holding a cold child in your arms and knowing that that was it. That the only times you were able to hold her was IT! She is buried now. We still visit her grave daily. My wife and I have gone on with our lives as best we can, with strength and dignity as far as I’m concerned. You just stole some of that dignity. congratulations.
I am very sorry for your loss. I am expecting my first child in a month and the nightmare of still birth plagues me. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. It was unbelievably cruel for anyone to ask you to hide that picture because your child is dead. I hope that you don’t have to deal with anyone else so amazingly callous.
That’s wrong on a multitude of levels. In fact, you’d have to create new levels of wrongness to determine just how wrong your co-worker was.
My condolences on your loss, Buliwyf. I lost an older sister many years ago. While I don’t display any photos of her at my desk, I cannot imagine what I would do if someone came in to my office and complained about such photos. To be addressed that way regarding your own child … the mind boggles.
Sorry to hear about that Buliwyf. What a fucking bitch! Can you not see someone high up about this. Theres now way that piece of shit should get away with something as nasty as that. Piss in the cunts morning coffee! Sorry about your little girl I’m sure she was really beautiful. love poopsy xxxx
Thanks all, and blue_poop the higher ups have been informed. Really though, there’s not a lot they can do about this. What with the whole definition of what can reasonably be construed as being offensive being so vague and all. I can kind of understand why someone would be bothered by this. But to actually say that???
And lee, I wish you peace from those nightmares. What happened to us is rare, very rare. You really don’t have a lot to worry about these days. Love and kisses to you and your little one. I’ll send my little angel to watch over your dreams.
First, may I offer you & your wife my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I can’t tell you how touched I am by your loving tribute to her in the thread that you linked above.
The insensitive low-life who finds the picture of your daughter offensive is not worthy to be in the same room with you, much less look upon a picture of your wife & daughter.
IMHO, that person couldn’t take any of your dignity if you tried to hand it to him or her on a silver platter. His or her butt-headed “opinion” and very presence was the only offensive thing in your office today.
I can’t imagine much worse than the bewildering loss of a newborn infant. You have been through quite enough. Please don’t allow that cretin another thought, another moment of your time.
Some people are cruel, insensitive, and thoughtless. I apologize for the crassness of my fellow human beings. I hope you remember that those are the ones you shouldn’t pay any attention to anyway. I wish you and your wife the best in your continued healing.
I was not a member here at the time of your family’s tragedy, but I am almost in tears reading your account now. Please know that I feel for your loss, and I wish that I could smash the motherfucker’s face in myself (although you would certainly get the first few shots. He’d be a bloody pulp by the time we Dopers got done with him. )
I once saw someone advertise a service where they take pictures of stillborn babies, then digitally enhance them to make them look “alive” (removing blemishes, making the skin pinker, etc.). It rather creeped me out a bit, and I told myself that I would never do anything like that if the situation were to occur to me.
But that’s my opinion. What you want to do with your daughter’s photos is your business, and your co-worker had absolutly no right to say the cruel and hertless things he did.
I keep wanting to say “I can’t believe some one would say that” but that sounds like I don’t believe you. I just can’t fucking believe that someone would trod on some one else’s grief/way of handling it in such a crass manner.
I hope that your work doesn’t bring them into contact w/you for the foreseeable future.
I know saying I am sorry that Montana is not with you is not going to help, but I am. Does this person not understand that you only have a few pictures of your daughter, that those are the only pictures you will ever have of Montana? Do they not realize how precious those pictures are to you? I am so sorry that person could not just see the beautiful baby in the picture. You leave your baby girl’s picture right where it is, Margo
Buliwyf I am new to these boards and did not know of your loss. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. My sister-in-law had a baby with several congenital health problems which ended her life before her first birthday over twenty years ago. Lindsay is very much a part of the family. She is frequently spoken of and my in laws always include her in the count when they are asked how many grandchildren they have.
Now, to address your OP on this thread:
ALthough I said some choice words on your behalf when I read about your unbelievably thoughtless co-worker it is probably best that you weren’t able to say what should’ve been said. You’d probably end up with a letter in your personnel file or some other foolishness like that.
I must correct your notion that office prick has robbed you of even one molecule of dignity. All he did was reveal himself as a shameful ass.
I would not pursue discussing the matter with any supervisors. In a perfect world that would be appropriate. But, my impression of most places that have cubicles is that you’d have to go to a stupid meeting with the jerk there and the “mediator” would decide that the best compromise would be for you to keep your photo in a drawer. I think the coffee peeing is a much better idea, although spitting might be more logistically plausible.
If @#%#$@ shows up again just ask him if he doesn’t have enough work to keep him from agonizing over a picture on the other side of your monitor. If he says again that he doesn’t want to look at it suggest that you likewise don’t want to look at his [ugly/pasty/insert adjective] face either so it seems you’ll both have to work around it.
As I said in my original tribute to her, I’m always amazed at what my little girl has to teach her daddy. In this case, she’s showing me that for every one insensitive prick there are dozens and dozens of loving and caring individuals. Thanks to all of you.
rjung, I have seen the sites your talking about. Believe me when I tell you that you look at things in a whole different light when you realize that you’ve got only 10 or so pictures of the most important person that you’ve ever known. However, I hope I was clear in stating that my daughter was not altered digitally, only the tears on my wifes face. (and that was at her request btw.) As I said, Montana just looks like a sleeping baby. You really can not tell.
On the off chance that someone would like to see a picture of my baby girl. I’d like to show you the picture I have on my desk. Please don’t look if you don’t want to. She really does just look like she’s sleeping. Anyway, enough waffling. Here she is
I really hope you look. She really is a beautiful baby.
Buliwyf
She looks just beautiful, it looks like she has a little smile even. Thanks for sharing Montana with us, I will never understand how someone could be offended by this. Margo
Oh my. She’s in good condition, buliwyf and you’re lucky to have a photo which is not obviously of a baby who died. What kind of a maroon would look at that photo and think it should be put away? Death makes some people uncomfortable but that’s not an uncomfortable photo to see.
Our son was in very bad condition and his photos are not OK for public display. rjung, when it’s the only way you can have a photo which is OK for people to see, digital retouching is an option to consider. It wasn’t around 11 years ago when Ambrose died but I think I would have done it then. Now I’m used to not having photos to share.
Note to the easily offended: The following is an exercise in satirical, not-to-be-taken-seriously wish-fulfillment. Please do not form the impression that I really advocate adopting this course of action, which I am well aware would be a totally irresponsible abuse of the SDMB. Normally, I would be inclined to post this disclaimer in small print (and only once), but I don’t want to risk having it taken seriously.
buliwyf, here’s what you do: Make it up with the bloody cow-orker. Become best buddies. Get them to become a Doper. After about a year, bring them to a DopeFest. Dopers will take it from there.
Note to the easily offended: The preceding is an exercise in satirical, not-to-be-taken-seriously wish-fulfillment. Please do not form the impression that I really advocate adopting this course of action, which I am well aware would be a totally irresponsible abuse of the SDMB. Normally, I would be inclined to post this disclaimer in small print (and only once), but I don’t want to risk having it taken seriously.
I’m truly sorry you’ve had to be put through this, buliwyf.
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