If any parents here have buried their kids, could you share your story? Obviously this is a very sensitive subject so don’t feel the need to share if you rather not, but I am hoping to understand a bit about this as I have a relative who may have to go through this experience soon and I would like to know how to comfort them. Thanks.
I haven’t, thank God, lost a child. I just came in here to suggest The Compassionate Friends, an organization that offers emotional support to bereaved parents.
I was going to suggest the same thing. They were a lifesaver for a friend of mine after her son died.
A friend of mine has lost multiple children (3 IIRC). In the years that followed, she posted quite a few quotes on FB from a group for parents of people that had lost a child, but, for the life of me, I can’t find any of those posts on her page now. However, she does have some Compassionatefriends links, so there’s that too.
You didn’t mention how old this child is, but if it’s very young, March Of Dimes is out there as well. On top of that, I’m sure there’s a bazillion websites, blogs, facebook groups etc.
Also, as sensitive as a subject as it is, some people are very happy to talk about it. If your friend is going to need to talk to others that have been through this, there’s people out there. I know for sure there’s facebook groups dedicated to it (I poked my head into the one my friend was sharing things from at one point) and I’m sure there’s message boards as well.
If I may ask, how old is the kid?
I haven’t lost a child, but I know people who have, and in my experience, people don’t necessarily want to go on about their grief, but they do want to talk about the child, and the worst thing you can do is avoid the subject of the child when it would naturally come up.
One of my oldest childhood friends died when we were 34, and my son is named for him. His parents are like an extra set of grandparents for my son, and we talk frequently about my friend. I know losing a young adult is not the same as losing a young child, but my experience of people who have lost literal children is the same-- they like to talk about them, and are sensitive to people avoiding mention of them or changing the subject when it comes around to children.
Totally and completely unrelated…I’d never given your username all that much thought until a few months ago. A friend of mine had a baby, her [the baby’s] name is your username, reversed, Chaya Rivkah. Is that a common (Jewish) name?
Knowing in advance that it is going to happen/may likely happen soon is different from sudden or unexpectedly happening which is also different from accidents and is in it’s own violence niche.
And then there are the parents being individuals with all the different backgrounds, cultures, so with no one to let you know how they are about it you just have to feel your way.
Just do your best, do not think that they will feel like this or that and respect what you learn by going slowly. You opinions should not be used, just go with what seems to be their way of looking at it.
Even if you know them well, go easy the first years unless they volunteer or encourage more intimate or detailed discussions.
“Let’s not go there.” should always be respected to the whole thing or just to some parts. Just pay attention and do not get ahead of them or yourself. Patience would be the biggest thing to start out with IMO.
This is to me the general way I like to be approached by a non-close friend or acquaintance.
It has been long enough since my daughter was murdered that I can handle most approaches with understanding where it is coming from, except maybe aggression , stupidity, or other crass and/or purposely attempting to agitate me in some fashion.
TokyoBayer isn’t the only Doper who’s lost a child, but he’s got several threads on the subject. Warning: bring hankies. Lots of hankies.
Ian Pough
This one didn’t stick around long enough to be born
In memory of Ian Pough
His second-born, Beta Chan, was the original “sticky baby”; when he announced that pregnancy we sent sticky thoughts that she’d be well.
I lost a child.
First of all, if you’ve never lost a child there is no possible way you can truly understand so don’t tell them you understand and don’t even try to understand.
Second, despite the fact that intellectually we know others have lost children too, we feel like we’re the only one who has ever had to go through this.
Third, understand that relatively simple things will be difficult and there’s no telling when the grief will hit. For months, I couldn’t tell a greeter how many of us there were to be seated at a restaurant. It was always four and my brain couldn’t process that it was three people now. I’ve broken down crying in grocery stores, at home and in class and an airport once because of something I saw. To this day I cannot eat tuna noodle casserole even though it was one of my favorite meals.
Fourth, don’t judge the grieving process. My wife was non-functional for months while I went back to work after three days because I needed normalcy. There is no right way to grief in that situation.
So my best advice to you is no matter what happens let them know you’re there for them and leave it at that. Know that sometimes when dealing with the loss we live day to day, sometimes hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute.
It will be 10 years I n less than two months
Let me try that again.
It will be 10 years in a little less than two months. I really appreciate those who remember.
We went to a support group for parents who lost their children. That was helpful.
How old is the child? It could make a difference, maybe.
The best advice I can offer is for you to be able to accept that the parents will be in pain and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to magically help them.
It was so fucking tiring dealing with other people’s discomfort.
It should go without saying but never, ever tell them you understand because you lost your pet cat. If you (the general you) can understand why this isn’t appropriate, don’t go near the parents.
Don’t be overly worried about trying to comfort them. Quiet acceptance and let them take the lead.
If the child is older then sharing happy memories is nice.
And if you tell them it’s God’s will, I’m coming over to smack you myself. (Note to mods, not really, I’m not actually threatening the OP or wishing harm on them.)
It’s tough.
I imagine very it’s frustrating to carry the other load for others, not just for yourself. What are ways that people would burden you with their discomfort? The reason I ask is so I don’t do it myself.
I will (pretend) hold them down for you.
I think it’s one of the most unnatural things in the world. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. It’s supposed to be the other way around.
I’ve known people who have miscarried, those who have lost infants, and those who have lost adult children. I can’t imagine the ghastly abyss that is their pain and I hope I never have to experience it first hand.
All you can do is be there for them, to be a safe space so they can cry, scream, laugh, or sleep. Whatever they need to do to cope, you support (unless it’s doing drugs or drinking until blind, of course.)
This sounds like good advice for grieving in general. People are all too quick to try to fix very human and natural reactions to loss. It comes from a good place, because you don’t want your loved one to be sad, but you can’t rush the process or decide for others what is should be.
When I was 25 my grandmother lost her 30 year old son (my uncle), and I was very close to her at the time. Seeing someone you love with your whole heart suffer that way is agonizing and you are helpless to do anything about it, but what I had to learn, ultimately, is that I was helpless to do anything about it. I cannot bring my uncle back. I cannot force her to get over it. I cannot judge how she chooses to cope with it. I just love her.
Regretfully, not having to bury your children is something relatively recent.
In UK the infant mortality rate pre WW1 for pre-teenagers was anything up to 30% depending on the city or town. The history of clean water and sewage is not too glamorous, but is probably the most significant impactor on human health in the last 200 years.
When you read just a little of what our ancestors went through, and look at the world they built, you really have to be full of respect for them.
Nope, it does not make it any easier,
I couldn’t bury mine, he kept digging his way out! Little scamp.
Boyo Jim, I don’t know what you were thinking, but that joke in this thread is truly inappropriate. I’m not issuing a warning, but I’d rethink making inappropriate jokes moving forward.
How true. During the Depression, my father’s parents lost a three-year-old to an illness for which there is now a vaccine. My aunt’s (my father’s SIL) parents lost two children in Auschwitz. Also in the 1940s, my great-aunt lost a toddler to a heart defect that is now correctable by a simple surgery done when the baby is days old. In 1969 mother had a late-term miscarriage after (and probably as a result of, according to her doctor) she had the flu when she was pregnant. Back then, they did not recommend the flu vaccine for pregnant women.
I lost two classmates when I was a child, one to cancer and one to what was probably epiglottitis, something that rarely happens now that there is a vaccine for Hib.
I don’t know what this does to parents who do lose children. When there were more people who actually understood, the world must have been different.
I’m not a parent. 53 years ago today, however, my brother drowned in our backyard pool; he was ten. Kind of a weird coincidence that I should see this thread today.
This accident happened before I was born, but I saw what it did to my parents, perhaps especially my mother, who blamed herself for the rest of her shortened life. My father was also devastated but his reaction was to move forward and work hard. (I don’t know how their marriage survived, but it did–luckily for me or I wouldn’t be here.)
From their experiences I sure know what not to say, because it was said to them: “You should have another child as soon as possible.” Probably no one sane would say such a thing now, but that was back in 1963, and people were fucking stupid. (Although my mom did go on to have two more kids–first my sister, then me, a few years after.)
They didn’t have grief support groups then–or if they did, it wasn’t something people with my parents’ backgrounds would’ve gone to–but thank God they exist now.
As far as what one can do now for grieving parents, perhaps the best thing is to just listen. If they bring up their child, let them. Don’t change the subject because you think it’s unhealthy or morbid. And simply tell them you’re sorry, and that if they need anything, you will do whatever you can–listen, talk, bring them meals, give them space, hug them close… anything. (Of course one should only offer this if it’s something one will do.)
And as mentioned above, there’s no grief schedule, there’s no grieving deadline. This will likely haunt them for years to come, on and off. Expect the various annual milestones–birthday and anniversary of the death, but also whatever holidays are special to them–to be particularly rough.
Anyway that’s what I learned from watching my parents and hearing their relatives talk about that dark, dark time. I’m very sorry for whoever it is in your life who’s losing, or has lost, their child, and I think you’re a kind person to ask what you can do for them.