I was just wondering if there was any hope for me. I want the best for my 2 daughters, I love them to death. The mother of my children died of breast cancer 43 days ago and I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to another province to seek a livelihood and future for my 2 girls… We loved each other more then can be said here and I was wondering if the pain and guilt will ever go away, I find it hard to get up in the morning, but today I made the effort to go see my brother and help me on my resume…he was a great help even though we were slightly drunk on Rickards Red beer…but the deed is done and I am going to purolate this resume to Enbridge Gas in New Brunswick… but I feel guilty leaving my in laws behind, they love us so much and it takes everything in my power not to stay here in Ontario. but one of the things we always planned was to give our kids a backyard to play in and trees and stuff to explore and learn… I feel I owe it to my wife to do this and not back down to my inlaws … I hate this so much…never mind my babbling, I guess I’m rambling here and feeling sorry for us…thanks for the website to let it out.
You will survive. Will be a few years, but it does get easier.
what bothers me alot is the fact I never bought a camcorder so I could show my girls their mother when she was alive and beautiful…I’m afraid they will forget her since they are so young. She always bugged me to get a camcorder…I just wish I listened
Do not, repeat, DO NOT beat yourself up over what you coulda/shoulda/woulda done. It does you no good whatsoever. My father called me the morning of the day he died and left a message on my answering machine and I didn’t call him back. I decided it was not going to help anything for me to feel guilty about something I can’t do anything about. I was able to be there with him at the end in the emergency room (heart attack after many years of heart disease) and tell him that I loved him one last time–he was unconscious, so I have no way to know if he even heard me–but it’s enough for me.
It’s gonna hurt like hell for a while, but you can get through it. Be there for your kids. Cry when you need to. Believe in yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk about her, it actually helps. Remember the good times and even the bad times. Tell your kids about their mom. LIVE.
Michael died almost exactly five years, unexpectedly, without saying goodbye. We had no kids together, but I can understand the loss you must be feeling. Right now, all you can do is hang on. I think it’s too early to make any major decisions, like moving a long distance. your kids may need the familiarity of their house, and school and neighborhood. I know it’s hard to stay in the same house, which must be full of her memory. I stayed in ours for a year, then moved 250 miles away. I miss not being able to go to “see” him though. I still don’t date, have no desire to find someone new. You need to do what you can for the kids, maybe grief counseling, in a few weeks, when you can. Good luck, remember that you are never alone now, and if I can help, feel free to email me.
Let me amend my reply. First unless you MUST move for financial reasons, stay where you are. You have just had a major shock and moving add to that.
My beloved was taken from me by murder, and I went through some major changes. Changed job, moving, the whole bit.
So I would counsel that if possible, stay where you are for at least a year.
However, if you have family and friends where you want to move to, who will look after your girls and you, then it could be okay.
You need to also think of your own well being, you can’t very well take care of two small kids unless you are healthy.
I’ve been through that grief, it will be rough, but eventually your memories of the good times will be what you remember.
I haven’t had to deal with that grief, so I have a hard time even imagining what you’re going through. All I can say is I’m so sorry. If you don’t mind, I’ll be praying for you and your children.
Love each other and talk a lot. They will find their special memories of their mother, the things that will help them through.
Thanks for all the kind words. Its been very comforting to hear from you strangers/human beings it has been a comfort for what its worth… nice to know I’m not alone in this.
I would like to also like to thank the people who helped me on my cover letter for my resume, greatly appreciated.
uh oh, Heaven is crying…must be one o’clock…lol
My deepest condolences to you and your family, concrete.
I lost my mother to breast cancer 12 years ago last November. You didn’t say how old your girls were, but I imagine that they’re younger than my sisters and I were (I was 26 and my sisters were 24 and 18). But at any age, it’s a difficult loss to suffer.
The posters above are right - if you don’t have to move right now, hold off on doing it for a little while. There is still plenty of time to fulfill your wife’s dreams of having her girls raised with a yard to play in, etc. What they need most right now (and will not likely be able to tell you because they will want to do whatever daddy says is best or they just don’t know how to express it) is the comfort and familiarity of home, family and friends.
I know how deep your grief is, and guilt is one of the classic phases of the grieving process. I planned on calling my mother the morning she died, but didn’t. We’d been arguing and I was reluctant. I still regret that I didn’t speak with her and clear the air before she died and there was no longer any chance to do so. But I have learned to live with what happened and not beat myself up for something that cannot be changed. You will eventually do the same.
Here are a couple of pages that you should check out when you get a chance…
As for not having gotten a camcorder of your own, one thing to think about is whether you have any friends who have camcorders who might have recorded an event that you and your wife attended. Perhaps you were at someone’s wedding, or on a boat trip or a backyard barbeque. Ask around and see if anyone you know has any videotape of your wife and ask to borrow it. If you can find a few of them, find the spots where your wife is on them and take them to a professional video place and ask them to dub the various parts from the tapes onto one tape. Also, ask your in-laws if they have any old home movies they took when you wife was a little girl, and if they do, use those, too.
We never had a camcorder either, until after my mother died. But we created a video from some old reel-to-reel film and a bunch of still photos to give to my parents for their wedding anniversary the year before her death. We started with still pictures of my dad as a baby, a young boy, a teenager and then a young man. Then stills of my mom as a baby and so forth. We found some old film of their wedding reception and put that in there next, along with some stills of my parents from the professional wedding photos they had done. We continued mixing old movies and stills and ended with a series of still photos that recapped our family’s history up to that point. We added background music and captions in a lot of places. It came out so beautifully and it’s something we will cherish forever.
Another thing to think about doing when you’re feeling up to it, is writing down all kinds of stories about your wife. Things you did together, things you remember about her, etc. Those stories will mean so much to your girls, and will help them know the woman you knew as your wife and their mother.
I wish you well on your path to healing your heart. Though not here in body, your wife will live on forever in the hearts of you and your daughters.
[ul][li]“Shayna… [one of] the most despised posters on this board.” As declared by WallyM7. (And if you want to know who the others are, click here. I’m in very good company!)[/li][li]“Mom, he’s a neo Nazi! He’s a doctor also? Well…” - an original WallyM7 sig.[/li]“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank[/ul]
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
The best thing I can say here has already been said: don’t make any decisions in the midst of chaos. It’s only been 43 days, you say. That’s not even enough time to get past the “numb” stage, let alone be thinking clearly for purposes of making such a major decision.
Also, your girls might really need the security of familiar people, places and things around them right now. They’ve just lost their mother, perhaps they need to be able to see her family (your in-laws) a bit more often for awhile, assuming those relationships are good ones, and they may need familiar places to help them both remember their mom and deal with their grief, too.
Please take a step back, stop, and don’t do anything all in a hurry right now. Time enough in the future. They say it takes at least a year. Maybe you need to give yourself time.
Gentlemen certainly DO prefer blondes –
and with good reason!
Concrete, having lost my parents, an aunt, a cousin, my FIL, all to cancer, I have some small idea of what you must be going through right now. The other posters have already said everything that I would have said. Let me just add my prayers for all of you. I have to tell you, the pain never goes away completely, but it does get better, and you will start remembering the good stuff more and more.
My heart hurts for you and your kids…
You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.
That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.<a true Wally original!>
I’ve never been what you’ve been through, so all I can offer is my sympathy. Hang in there!
Concrete, I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I commend you on wanting to give your girls everything you and your wife had hoped to give them. Hang in there, and remember you have a friend in the greater Moncton area if you need one, I’m a great listener.
I’m with Arnold and Ang. Never having been through such a tragedy, I can only imagine how difficult this time must be for you. My only advice (which I feel impertinent even offering) is to remind you that those beautiful girls need you now more than ever, so when it seems tough to get through a day for your own sake, do it for them. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and I will keep you and your girls in my prayers.
Thanks for the kind replys, I will keep in mind all of your advice. I only have one shot at this job in New Brunswick …but I also have some inlaws who live there. So it won’t be so bad. Just trying to look to the future.
I am sick of all the violence and fear that people live with here in the big city. I just want whats best for my girls…they are only 4 and 2 so I think they will be able to adjust.
Once again thanks for the kind advice.
I wish you and yours Godspeed.
** concrete, ** I went looking for this thread after reading a few of your less than ‘stellar’ works lately. I can’t help wondering if any of it was true, if it IS true, what happened to the person you introduced us to? Because he either doesn’t exist, or you killed him, which is it??
I don’t mean to make this sound like Pit material, but while I had a blast on the ‘don’t smoke concrete’ thread it didn’t have anything to do with you. You started off well, and now, you’re being called a troll, which is what you seem to want, throwing ‘chum’ out to irritate or infuriate other posters. Basically, what’s up??
I realize it can be hard to find your niche, so to speak, when you’re new here, but you were doing fine in the beginning, you need to give this some thought before even the posting of ‘concrete’ as your user name is nothing but a joke. I hope that isn’t what you want, and it isn’t too late to turn things around.
you read my mind Anti Pro
** It’s nice to hear someone else was wondering the same thing, what happened to the first ‘concrete’? It doesn’t look like he feels like addressing the questions though, does it? ** Although, on my thread about wishes he mentions his wife, it doesn’t touch on wanting to ‘huckabuck’ the women of the SDMB or ‘the bastards he should watch out for at the SDMB’.
So, we’ll never know.