Thanks for not letting me go to my father's funeral,

The BBQ Pit
1

An open letter to the woman who gave birth to me…

Thanks for not letting me go to my father’s funeral…

Yeah, it would be embarrassing to have your openly Gay son talking with the relatives…

Yeah, it would ruin your image if I told people how your husband sexually, physically and emotionally abused me for years…

So what if you did nothing about it while I was growing up… You let a 6 foot 3 ex-cop chase your 8 year old son around the house trying to beat him…

You watched your son punch holes in walls and doors and never talked about it… You chose him over me then, so I shouldn’t be surprised you did it again…

Yeah, I did tell you not to bother contacting me any more a few years ago if you couldn’t stop calling me “stupid” for being Gay…

But Jesus Christ woman… He was still my father… No matter how he treated me…

I knew I came from a fucked up family, but until now I never knew just how sick it was…

The only consolation I have is that I called you AT the funeral home and let you know how sick you are for not even bothering to call me to tell me he died.

And yeah, I am in touch with most of the relatives, and most of em know your son is Gay, and know how your husband abused me… How else do you think I found out he died?

And even though you told everyone at the funeral that I couldn’t be there because I live in California, you know what, people saw through your lies…

Planes go back and forth every day… and I was on one recently to visit his grave… And it was there that I started the process of making peace with him…

If there is a hell, you’re going to be there some day…

SFCanadian

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**

That was an incredibly low thing to do to someone.

**

Another consolation is that you don’t have to associate with any of them if you don’t wish it. I simply can’t imagine cutting off any member of my family without drastic reason. I guess it helps that I only have a few immediate family member.

I’m sorry about your father by the way and I’m sorry they didn’t give you the courtesy of being able to say your goodbyes. I hope that someday they come to regret their actions and attempt to make some sort of amends.

Marc

And yeah, I am in touch with most of the relatives, and most of em know your son is Gay, and know how your husband abused me… How else do you think I found out he died?

And even though you told everyone at the funeral that I couldn’t be there because I live in California, you know what, people saw through your lies…

Planes go back and forth every day… and I was on one recently to visit his grave… And it was there that I started the process of making peace with him…

If there is a hell, you’re going to be there some day…

SFCanadian **
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Marc:

Not sure if they’ll ever get to the point of realizing just how low they were…

But life goes on I guess…

SFCanadian

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**

It’d be nice if they did. Would you be able to accept an apology if one were to ever come? Not that I think you’re required to accept one of course. I don’t think every wrong can be corrected by saying you’re sorry.

And that’s a good attitude to have. If they don’t want to associate with you then that’s a very sad thing for both you and them. The only thing I can think of is to hope for the best but don’t expect much. And if it ever gets to be to much of a burden make sure you can talk to a friend or a professional about it.

Marc

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It’s funny, cuz I sometimes think how little they really ever knew me…

Considering the hell I went through as a kid, I’ve had a pretty good life since, and fully expect it to get better…

After all, with that kind of beginning, it has no other way to go but up!

I’m not sure if I could ever accept an apology, since that just seems so far-fetched at this point…

And as to talking to a friend or professional… I’m always amazed at just how freaked out people seem when they find out… Over time I’ve realized it’s about their fears and not about me. But the lack of support can get depressing sometimes…

Think I need to start a topic called “Ask the Male Sexual Abuse Survivor” … Although I don’t think it would be too useful… People are just too scared…

SFCanadian

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(((SFCanadian)))

My grandmother was similar . . . she never admitted to any of the horrible things she or her husband or mother did (molested, abused, raped their ten children). And she went to her grave knowing that she had lied for decades about what so many of us were discovering to be true.

Her eldest daughter has taken after her, to a point. And in doing so, said daughter has effectively committed suicide in the eyes of our extended family because she keeps spouting the same garbage, though she knows the truth.

Good luck with the grieving/recovering process. I hope you’ll find solace here.

“Considering the hell I went through as a kid, I’ve had a pretty good life since, and fully expect it to get better…”

Abso-fucking-lutely. And you deserve every day of it.

“Think I need to start a topic called “Ask the Male Sexual Abuse Survivor” … Although I don’t think it would be too useful… People are just too scared…”

It would be very useful, I think. There’s a lot that is misunderstood (or not at all understood) about male sexual abuse. I’d help out with the thread, if you like.

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So, can you like crash the next affair or party your mother hosts in drag or something? Just swish in with some friends who are into guerilla theatre?

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I could never forgive her for not being allowed to my own fathers funeral. That was just petty and spiteful of her to do that. And then to make it worse by telling others that the trip from California was too much of a hassle for you, which makes you look bad.

I’m really sorry to hear that, SFCanadian. I can’t promise that the hurt from this will ever really go away but I can promise that given enough time, it will hurt less.

–Nut
“Living well is the best revenge.”

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Apparently the world isn’t full enough of things that bite, sting, claw, scratch, wound, are too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry, poisonous, dangerous, or painful in some other way, we have to ADD to that by being intolerant of one another.

Be well, SFC. You’re gonna do just fine. Make peace with Pa on your own, it will be more meaningful that way anyhow.

b.

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It sounds as if you are doing quite well without your family. JMHO - Make peace with your father and then write your mother off. She may have given birth to you but she’s not a mother, nor does it sound like she will ever be capable of being one.

Very sorry to hijack your thread, but RANGER JEFF!!! YAH!!! Where ya been?

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My father died on 23 February this year. His 3 sons and 4 daughters discovered this a week after the funeral.

He had remarried many years ago. His wife made the funeral arrangements, and when asked by the vicar if my father had any children she replied in the negative. Mourners were necessarily restricted to her, and their friends.

When asked by yours truly what her little game was, she told me that she had been confused and had not had the opportunity to contact all of us.

I asked her for the name of the church where the funeral service was held and she wouldn’t tell me. I made some enquiries and found out anyway.

Two weeks later we all attended a memorial service at the same church, same vicar, same everything, different attendees.

Anyone who has been denied the opportunity to say a proper farewell to a close relative because of bloody-mindedness on the part of someone else, I know how you feel.

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Could also turn out to be a double-edged sword. It could serve as some kind of emotional outlet for you, but it would also unearth some painful memories. Weigh the pros and cons carefully.

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The thing (in my opinion) which makes this such a terrible thing for your mother to do is that no matter what, she is your mother and you are her son.

Some may disagree with me, but I think that family bonds are unbreakable. They may not be your friends, you may not love them (or even really like them), but they are still family. Provided they were present for even a minor portion of your life, blood relatives are extremely important to your life.

When a relative does something that seems to deny your special connection they hurt you deeply.

My relationship with my family has been pretty good. I am really good friends with my mom and dad and my sisters. Maybe this is the reason I put so much stock in the strength of familial relationships.

SFCanadian, I’m sorry your mom did such a terrible thing to you. That was a really low stunt to pull on her part.

:frowning:

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This is good. May I keep it on mental file for use when needed?

As for your mother SFC, ouch. Yuckies. Live a good life and let her live how she wishes. See which of you ends up happier.

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Aw gosh, SF, sorry about your dad’s death. It’s amazing the capacity kids have for loving their parents, even though some parents are horribly unworthy of that love. I’m glad you found it in your heart to forgive him.

Maybe one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive your mom, too. It’s very possible that she’s lived her own hell, which you may or may not be aware of, and her behavior is a result of that.

I hope, for both of your sake, that you find peace one day with BOTH of your parents. As they say, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. And she’s your mom, for better or worse. If she causes you a lot of pain, by all means, cut her out of your life. But I can’t help hoping that you two find your way back to each other.

Good luck to you.

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By all means. One is happy to have been of service.

b.

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No. When a family member, especially a parent, is so abusive and hurtful as to show that THEY have no respect for the familial bond, then THEY lose the right to be considered family. It is a choice that THEY make.

Not if you don’t let them be. That is a choice that you can make.

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Note: I am not saying that SFCanadian (or anyone else) has to cut his family out if he doesn’t want to. I am only saying he would be perfectly right in doing so.

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SFCanadian:
My father died 19 years ago; my mother, 14 months ago.

Since they are dead, they can’t change … but how I feel about them, my relationship to them, still changes and grows.

The abruptness of my father’s death left me with many issues I had to work out. The lingering death (by cancer) of my mother allowed me to mend a lot of bridges, but left me with a great deal more pain. The only solace I really have is that I was present at both of their deaths.

My point: You are working on your dad, but don’t forget your mom. Living people are a whole lot easier to get along with (even if they are a-holes) than dead ones. Why? Because all of the bad things that dead people do come from you now. The only evil they can do is what you let their memories do … and that can give you a lot of guilt.
You can at least have a big yelling match with a live person and not feel bad if they’re being stupid. You’ll just feel weird after a shouting match with a dead guy.
Bury the hachet with your mom soon, even if it means really cutting all ties with her. I guarantee you she’ll be an even bigger bitch for awhile after she’s dead. She’s easier to deal with right now.
Feel free to ignore and berate me, being an electronic ghost only slightly better than being dead. :smiley:

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::::seething::::
Give me her fucking address, and she’ll fucking KNOW how fucking low she is. I don’t make it a habit to insult other people’s mothers, but goddamn, what a bitch!

You’ve got a great support network here, this community may squabble amongst ourselves, but when it comes to people in need… well you know.