A short email from my mother, a life long friend of my father has died. My first thought - GOOD. He was one of the people my long dead father made me sleep with as a kid.
I didn’t reply to the email, received yesterday, and now she’s facebooked me - did I get her email?
Carry the ugly truth to my grave? Upset my mother and shatter her illusion? I am totally pissed off to be faced with this dilemma, what’s the protocol? It’s not nice to be glad someone’s dead but I am. Say that? Sorry for your loss? I can’t think of any way to word my reply that’s not hurtful or stone cold. My mum did think she’d put an end to the abuse earlier than the time of this person, but things just got done differently.
When someone dies I come up with some pleasant memories, she’s no doubt already finding it odd that I haven’t responded in my usual way, a touching anecdote, a kind word.
Remember how you respond is going to affect your mother, NOT the dead guy thats gone.
How much do you blame her? How much have you forgiven her (or not)? Is this additional info gonna make anything better?
Of course I’ve NEVER had to deal with anything THIS messed up, and am missing plenty of detail, but my inclination would be to just throw some simple condolences her way and be done with it.
Does your mom know any of it - that your dad made you sleep with anyone, and she just doesn’t know about this guy? Or would the whole thing be a bombshell?
I don’t know what the answer is, in any case - your welfare should be the highest priority. I just thought the question I asked might be useful.
That’s when you say something either 100% neutrally factual, or esomething good about someone else rather than the deceased.
“Sad news! I’ve just found out that Mr. Ratbastard just died. And suddenly too!”
“…I heard he was quite a gifted lawyer and was highly regarded in the profession. His colleagues must be in shock.”
“Sad news! I’ve just found out that Mr. Ratbastard just died.”
I guess I’m surprised that your mother appears to place a higher value on her relationship to a deceased friend of her husbands’ than with you. That’s how it scans to me reading the op.
I wouldn’t even blink to tell a family member how I felt about one of their friends. They should be more concerned that their friendship with the deceased causes me pain imho.
It sounds like your mother has no idea what this man did to you, but knows generally what happened in the past? It’s unclear what role she played in your abuse. Was she at any point complicit or did she just stop it the moment she found out?
I think the best course of action is dependent in part on your answer to this question.
If she carries no blame in this situation, I would tell her. If not her, someone, because you probably are feeling lots of things come up right now that you could use some support with.
If she is partly responsible for any of the abuse you endured I think I’d just keep her and the issue of this man’s death as far away as possible. Telling her what he did would likely not make a difference in how she feels about him because in my experience the fact that she already failed to protect you from the abuse indicates she could never really help you deal with this.
Is there something you want from your Mom in all this?
Thanks for the kind words everyone. She did find out about the abuse, and she did things to stop it, but it wasn’t enough - she thought it was over I suppose. All a bit of a tangle. I don’t want to hurt my mum, so it pisses me off that I can’t be honest.
What I wanted from my mum she wasn’t able to provide - security, safety but she thought she did - or denial?
The one liner replies sound a bit rude, then again this cunt was deceiving my mum all the time, but then she’d be the one hurt not him.
Sorry to hear that Mum, what will become of his son? is an option I suppose, the kid has some sort of syndrome - can’t quite remember what, but then there’d be a back and forth.
It is sad to hear about anyone’s death because of the pain it causes for the people that love them that they leave behind, but I wish he had died before he gave me a reason to remember him at all.
You have no reason to be careful about what you say. If other people don’t like the truth it is their problem. Pretending that your feelings don’t matter is an insult to yourself.
I have personal experience with this Mom being complicit or in denial about sexual abuse thing. It’s like she tried but she didn’t. It’s like she knew but she didn’t. It sounds like you know that what you really needed from her at that time you never got and can’t get. It’s a hard reality to face, but there’s something kind of liberating in it.
In a way, I agree with don’t_ask. You feel what you feel and you do what you need to do and screw what anyone else thinks. Any pain that results from this situation is squarely on the shoulders of the father who pimped you out, the man who raped you, and the mother who let it happen.
On the other hand, as a child whose mother has ‘‘come around’’ at least a little to the role she played in my abuse, I can tell you that a thousand '‘I’m sorry’'s won’t cover the pain. It is what it is. She could fall down at your feet and beg your forgiveness and, much as you love her, it wouldn’t change what happened. I love my mother to death and I don’t want to cause her pain, so I get that. But there’s a point where your right to cope with profound trauma trumps her right to be in denial.
I don’t think you necessarily need to be worried about protecting your mother right now, but on the other hand, it’s important to balance that with an understanding that telling her won’t necessarily make you feel any better. Unless you think it really will. In which case, tell her.
How about… “Sorry I didn’t reply Mom. I didn’t mean to be rude, I was just not sure how to respond since I never liked the guy.”
It is ambiguous enough to let her remain in denial if she wants to. It’s obvious enough to let her “open the can of worms” herself if she wants. Puts the ball in her court… if that’s what you want. Your needs should come first.
I think that is a very important point. It may not make you feel better at all, the only reason for stating the truth is that it breaks the cycle of what goes on in your head - believing that it is your problem. It’s not. You have been wronged and everyone including yourself should accept that fact.
Well, my mother called me yesterday and brought up the subject. I said (and thanks to you lot) “Sad news, I wonder how his son will take it.” Turns out the son is bi-polar and lives in assisted accommodation and has a trust. Interestingly there’s also an estranged daughter from another marriage, the mother died in a car crash and within a year he married the dead womans friend. The girl was eleven at the time and estranged herself, going to live with her mothers relatives. I get the feeling that both women and children were pretty much disposable to this man. Of course I’m now having some pretty vivid memories of this man coming to the surface.
One of my friends says I’ve had my darkest hour with all this stuff, I hope that’s true.
I didn’t say anything to my mother. I think what bugs me is that I don’t have to be silent anymore, but still I find I do. Still protecting others to my detriment. Won’t help to tell my mother, but it doesn’t help to find I’m still under caught in the don’t tell cycle of the abusers.