A kind of poll I guess, when do you throw in the towel?
I keep hanging in there and try to see the fucking bright side of things. Tell myself it’ll work out and be strong etc. etc. etc. Put up the big front. Some days are better than others but most really fucking suck big time. I can usually get on here and bullshit myself into forgetting for a couple of hours. It’s getting harder and harder. The psychobabble ain’t gonna do it either.
You know sometimes it’s better to just throw in the fucking towel and say that’s it…I’m through trying. It’s NOT getting better and it isn’t going to get any better. There IS NO light at the end of this fucking tunnel because it’s a god damned hole. A fucking cave that goes around in circles and somebody closed the exit.
So…I lost my kids today. And the fucking tax office has decided they are gonna auction off my place. I think I’ll go to the cemetery tomorrow and plant some flowers and straighten up my wife’s grave. Maybe purchase a double headstone and have it engraved and delivered when it’s finished. That’s just about all I can afford to do.
Jobe/Job ain’t got shit on me anymore. I’m trying now to figure out what to do with all this crap around here. Move it, sell it, or just burn the whole place to the ground. Maybe with my ass in it. I’m really really tired and just don’t care anymore.
I hope …there’s me, the hopeless fucking romantic…the undying ignorant assed optimist…the Stupid Fuck…I hope that seeing this in print will MAKE me snap out of it. Cause much more of this shit and I’m gonna go. Friends attempting to cheer me up usually have the opposite effect. Maybe completely breaking away from here, a drastic change…too much that is familiar…I don’t know at this point. Just one day at a time so far. Sorry to be such a weak ass whining loser today. It’s just way way hard right now. Thanks for all the kind shoulders y’all.
Maybe I should’ve put this in the blog but it hasn’t been working lately. I’ve gotta finish it before I do anything. So I guess I’ll just have to make it one more day.
:smack: :smack: :smack:
Get counseling now.
Whatever else you have to do to get it, get counseling now.
You poor thing. I don’t know to whom you lost your kids, but if it’s a relative I’m sure they’ll keep them safe for you while you work things out. Keep going for them. They cannot lose both parents. You may be down on yourself, but I’m sure they don’t think the same way about you.
Dang. That’s really a rough lot of stuff that’s happened to you. I haven’t seen a whole lot of stuff you’ve posted, and I know you’re not really looking for sympathy, but rather to sorta rant, and as you said, see it in print. But hugs anyway.
As to when I throw in the towel? I didn’t lose my soulmate to death, but rather to a complicated set of circumstances in which he seems to be stuck in a vicious cycle of having to prove himself by being the hardest working hero on the planet, meaning there wasn’t enough room in his life for love, and despite our love, I kept getting put dead last.
No fighting, no other woman, no weird stuff, just a real sad case of “he’s not ready” and “she is”. Blech. I ended up moving my butt from Alaska all the way to Texas to keep us from being constantly drawn to each other like magnets, and for me to be able to maybe find myself.
This is a super simplified (And probably long and borng enough) version of what really was an incredible romance and still an incredible friendship. Anyway.
I moved here hoping to find work in my field (foolishly not checking whether the environmental field actually exists in Texas, it doesn’t), and have been struggling to exist on unemployment and temp jobs ever since.
It’s been a really hard change. I gave it my best shot. But finally, I realized that it just wasn’t working out, next to my boyfriend, my careers were something I could count on, something I loved. I spent enough time here to finally gain some backbone against the little girl inside who wants to always run back to Luke’s side on any terms, and I called my old bosses.
I start work next month when I return to Alaska. I’ve sold most of my stuff to finance an apartment and living expenses. It’s been a long lonely 8 months of lessons in the game of love and loss.
It’s nothing compared to losing one’s kids or partner. But what made me quit, what made me say “okay, time to go home, time to do something else” was the feeling, the knowledge that I had done all I could, I had worked on and done everything I could, about all that was "wrong’ in my life.
I just “knew”. I “knew” for quite some time, and then I finally acted. There have been other times in my life similar to this, times of no jobs, and no money. Times where I got pushed to the very limits and then some, and finally acted, grabbed for the thing that seemed the least likely, but which inside “felt” right.
Even after making the decision, and doing all it takes to go that direction to quit, it still takes time for it to take effect.
Sorry, I’ll quit rambling now. I wish you the best, this sounds like a truly awful situation and I hope things change for you soon.
t-keela, you have been through a LOT. There is absolutely no shame in getting help through this. You just can’t be expected to go through it alone. It’s not weakness, and it’s not just psychobabble. It’s getting through the bits of your brain that are telling you that you’re strong enough to make it through this alone, and helping you to see the way out.
You’re not going to get all the answers from your friends, and you’re definitely not going to get all the answers from this message board. But you are not a weak-ass whining loser. You are a normal person who’s been hit with a lot to deal with. And there are people who will help you get through it.
Look into counseling; it doesn’t even have to be psychotherapy. They’re not there to “fix” you; they’re ONLY there to make things better and to give you a hand up out of this. That’s what they’re there for. It works.
God bless you.
Do you mean like when you spill hot turkey gravy over your hand, causing you to drop the turkey.
And you tell no one. :eek: 
Yeah I see how pathetic this fucking looks. I wish I hadn’t posted it now. Maybe a mod’ll come around and delete this thread for me. It’s just the way I’ve been feeling lately and I fucking hate it. I don’t see anything changing for the better either. If there is a God… I won’t even go there. If there’s not, then what the fuck does it matter. BTW my kids, since I’m not their “biological” father…I only raised them from 2&3 yrs old. Never were legally adopted BY ME… there asshole dopeheaded wife beating never been around in the last ten years bio-dad, His MOM is gonna keep 'em. WTF? Money talks!!
Sorry folks I just needed a rant…probably shoulda put this in the pit. MPSIMS sure didn’t feel right.
Keep talking though…you’ll get me by tonight. I’ll see things better tomorrow. Unless the fucking sky falls on me. That’s a god-damned shame ain’t. A grown 42year old man that’s been strong and independant his whole life whining like a fucking kid. There’s still nary a day goes by I don’t wind up in tears. Jesus it still doesn’t seem real.
I know my life is over…at least the one I had. The one that I loved so much and sometimes took for granted. WTF do I do now? Start Over fuuuck! I DON’T WANNA START OVER.
How many damned stages of grief are there…I’m at what? #2
I appreciate the advice to counseling. I’ve got a masters in it from UT and have been around 12 step programs for 30 years. They can’t bring back what’s gone. That’s what I’m so pissed about.
Rather than sit here plotting my own demise. I thought I’d lay it out here and take a look at it.
Don’t worry, I think I’m stronger than that. I just get so 
sometimes. I can write about it but not talk about it.
t-keelaI’m 45, and I’ve started over, and had my heart broken, my credit broken, and more damn sucky things happen that I care to remember. You’re NOT old, and you’re not too old to start over.
This is a lot to lay at a person’s feet in a very short period of time. My God, you sound as if you are quite literally reeling from it all. As some other posters here have wisely said. Counseling. I know, I know it seems like it would amount to emptying the ocean with a teaspoon. But honestly, (I know I"ve been there), it can help even when you’re so in despair that you are afraid of what you might do.
It’s not a miracle, and it’s not sudden, but it does help. Please consider it, and please don’t feel as if this needs to be deleted or forgotten.
Man, t-keela you have a right to be upset, no question about it. But you can’t throw in the towel, because the only option you have is to keep going, work at improving things bit by bit. I know it all sounds trite, but there really isn’t any other way things are going to get better for you and most importantly, for your kids.
There’s a lot of different kinds of counseling out there, if you aren’t comfortable with one counselor, try a different one. If money is tight right now, see what kinds of aid your community offers. If you’re religious go to your clergy. Bottom line, go to someone. You’ve been given enough of a load that you shouldn’t feel bad about asking someone to help ease it a bit. I’m really sorry for your loss.
What would it teach your children if you “threw in the towel?” Do you want them to live with that forever? And if you’ve raised them for ten years, they are “your” children, morally even if not legally. It’s not completely clear from your post where your children are now, but if you think they’re in danger, or in the care of unfit relatives, find a way to fight for them! They might even be old enough for the court to ask the kids directly who they want to be with. The impression I have is that custody decisions are always subject to revision, especially when new information comes to light. Don’t abandon your kids, especially in this most horrible, irrevocable way.
As to the house, could you sell it before the tax people grab it? Maybe you could pay off the taxes and come away with money in your pocket. Even if the authorities do auction it, there may be a waiting period during which you could buy it back. Talk to a lawyer, and if you can’t afford one, most university law schools have free or cheap clinics where you can at least get some advice, if not active representation.
And as everybody else has said, talk to a counselor. Find a free clinic if you need to. What do you have to lose?
Also, with your background in counseling, put yourself on the other side of the couch. What would you say to someone else if he was in the situation you describe? Maybe you’d say that no one can know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe you’d say that if you check out now the bad guys win. Maybe you’d say you can decide what’s most important to you and how to feel about it. But maybe the first thing you would say is that you can’t fix anything if you’re dead.
Don’t abandon your kids.
C/S y’all only got a few of the facts…there’s a hell of a lot more that I just kinda said fuckit and simply blew off. I had it typed out and said screw that. Deleted the whole thing.
So how’s Alaska? That’s a pretty big change that should keep your mind busy for awhile. Need any company? Just kidding…
Counseling…like I said, I can’t talk about it anymore. The more I talk about it the worse I feel. People trying to make me “feel better” don’t. I do better if I’ll just write what I’m feeling down and go over it. Right now though, well a couple of hours ago I was getting pretty edgy. I feel better now. It passes. I know things aren’t better and they aren’t apt to get better soon. But at times they get to be overwhelming. You folks are acting as my counselor tonight and I thank you for it. I’ll be okay now. It was a brief but intense feeling of despair that I needed to do something about quick. My wife has a regular pharmacy here from all the meds she used to take for her Muscular Dystrophy. It’d be real easy to take a few pain pills and have several shots of tequila. Maybe a handfull of sleeping pills since I’ve not slept much anyway. Not gonna happen now, thanks. I really doubt that I’d do it anyway but when you catch youself feeling really depressed. I’ll be disposing of some meds asap. Really don’t worry. I’m sorry if I got y’all upset, but I kinda scared myself though. I was thinking some strange shit there for a few minutes.
Really can a mod delete this thread or what? I feel awful about starting it now. Even though I’m not contemplating anything stupid anymore. Maybe it’ll stick for awhile. That’s not my normal way of thinking. I had been watching a movie. The first time I’ve tried watch television in weeks. The movie The Hunted had a lot of death in it. Maybe triggered some bad thoughts. I think I’ll be a little more careful about the stuff I watch for awhile yet. I don’t know…I’m just kinda rambling now I guess. Think I’ll call it a night here and go surfin for awhile. I got a cold beer in the box and some good cigars in my bag. Maybe I can find a chat room where nobody knows my name. Kinda like an e-cheers…just call me Norm.
Thanks guys.
Observer…yeah I know they’re my kids. Have been for 12 years. I’ll deal with it. It’s just that sometimes dammit, it’s all uphill. Has been for too long. Dont worry 
I’ll pick my ass back up again in the morning. As to the other side of the couch, that’s what I’m doing now buddy. Just needed a vent. Thanks, and thanks again to all.
Click on my Yahoo thingie for IM anytime you see me online. I’ve been through some pretty intense garbage myself. I also mod a “romance advice group” which should probably be called a “life advice group” since we don’t really do the lonely hearts thing a whole lot.
I hope you feel a lot better tomorrow. Don’t feel bad about blowing off steam, we’ve all been there. It’s human.
Do what? 
I don’t know you, so I won’t presume to tell you what you need. I may have some opinions on that subject, but I Am Not A Psycho-Babbler.
When Mom died, I didn’t have the luxury of saying “Fuck It.” My brother, the oldest, has been a tin-foil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorist living “off the grid” in Idaho for 25 years. My sister, the next eldest, has had 4 children by three differet men and three failed marriages, problems with substance abuse, and can’t hold a job much higher than minimum wage. My step-dad, a 68 year-old ex-Marine, is blind, arthritic, grossly obese, and an asshole.
So I got to plan the funeral. I got to execute the last will and testament, and serve as Trustee of the Estate.
But there were times when I really wanted to step out on the back porch and scream, fit to wake the neighbors.
Like: my brother has discovered the magic of indoor plumbing, cable TV, the recliner, and the box of never-ending cold beer, and I had to sell the house out from under him to get him to go back to Idaho.
Like: My step-dad, who got exactly everything he had coming to him IAW the letter of the Last Will & Testament, has decided that I cheated him of his just due and has sworn Blood Vengeance on me and my family.
Like: Mom changing her insurance to a disbaility/long-term care policy, so I’m spending my own money like water through a sieve to pay off the medical bills, funeral, etc., just to get sued by my own family when I pay myself back out of the proceeds of the sale of the house.
Like: living like a mouse in a full box because my Mom had so much crap and the family won’t claim any of it or otherwise take it out of my apartment so that I can live like a fucking human being. So I die a little each day as I go through this stuff, throwing a little bit of it away each day as I try to identify what it is, where it came from, what did it mean to my mom or the family, etc. I don’t know what it is, I don’t want to throw it away, and I don’t want to keep it, especially in my small-ish apartment.
My best guess is that it is all still too fresh for you; you haven’t had the time yet to distance yourself from the immediate grief of your loss. The pain of it will never go away. It will ambush you when you least expect it; a song on the radio will bring it all back in a flash, or a trip to the grocery store, or some woman will walk by you and she’ll have some habit or mannerism which will remind you of your wife.
And it sounds like you have been too busy with details to grieve properly. It sounds like you have had a lot of crap piled up on your shoulders, and no time for yourself.
That’s the biggest mistake we guys make: we’re “tough” and “strong” and can’t let our pain show because we have to be tough and strong for others.
But here’s the dirty little secret: everyone needs a little “me” time sooner or later, and you sound long overdue.
Myself? I started smoking again after Mom died. If it weren’t for nicotine, I’d have shot someone. And I drank. Quite a bit. Not at “alcoholic” levels, but quite a bit.
But I’ve had some time now; I’ve quit smoking, cut waayyy back on the alcohol, and started eating right. I’ve been trying regular sleeping hours, but as you can see, I’ve some way to go on that yet.
Saying FUCK IT doesn’t necessarily mean quitting, or giving up altogether; it could just mean “time out.” Take some time for yourself. Create your own space, but don’t get lost in it.
I can’t guarantee you that it is going to get better, so I won’t bother with a white lie.
I can say that it can get better, but more than likely it’s going to be you that does the changing, and as hard as it may seem, it is that change which may give you the necessary distance and perspective to cope with the pain on a rational, non-“break down and cry like a baby” basis.
One thing I can say for certain: If you love them children the way you say you do, then you absolutely cannot say “Fuck It” and give up. If you do, you’ll only see them for a couple of hours once a year at Christmas or something.
t-keela, I hope you feel better when you wake up today, and that you realise that complete strangers all over the world are thinking about you.
As to when you throw in the towel: you’ve got kids, so the answer is never. The fact that they’ve been taken away from you means that it’s more important than ever that they still have you.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Shit!
All I can say is this, suicide cause more pain then you can imagine, to those who love you and even to those who just care about you.
As someone who has wanted to end this shit many times I can relate to how you are feeling. But as the spouse of a suicider I know first hand the pain it causes to EVERYONE around a suicide.
I know you are probably just venting here, but the only thing that has stopped me doing it is KNOWING how very much it hurts to those you leave behind. You know your pain…do you want to spread that?
Those kids have lost their mum. Imagine their pain if you leave them.
That sounds dramatic. I know you were probably just having a really low moment. I’m sending my very bestest wishes with this message. Do something today that will make you smile…even if it is just hiding in your own space with a funny movie.
There are many people who care about you!
t-keela , you are not alone. I lost my wife of 15 years on June 23, for the past 17 years, she had been the focal point of my life (I started many threads praising her, look some up). There are several people that fully epected me to start drinking again after 17 years or hang myself, I’ve shown them. I didn’t do much in July but I started going to AA again, often, and I go to church often, I spent most of my life athiest, but you are always welcome in church. I became a full time student last year at age 40, this jobless recovery didn’t offer me much. When I type this, I will take a shower and drive 50 miles to buy textbooks, school starts in the morning. They haven’t packed my ass with cotton, yet, I will move on. You can too.
**Endeavor to Persevere**I think I’ll just lock this thread off.