In May, my mother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I posted about it here. Well, unfortunately the chemo only bought her a couple of months and she’s losing so much weight that they cannot safely have her continue with it. My brother is taking her to the doctor this week, where they’ll do more scans and talk about treatment that’s more along the lines of the hospice route. I’m lucky that my brothers are so much older than me and can handle a lot of the legal stuff, as I’m emotionally falling apart right now but doing my best to hide my sadness at the situation from my mother. I don’t know if she’ll last another month, but it’s like pulling teeth to get her to eat and she just doesn’t look good at all.
In the midst of my sadness, I feel so selfish. I won’t get much more time with her, and she’s too weak at this point to even do a field trip to the courthouse so she can at least witness me get married legally. It’s so petty of me, but it breaks my heart to know that my mom will never get to enjoy another holiday with me. I feel so guilty and so sad that I didn’t get to spend last Christmas with her and spend more time with her. If I could go back, I’d be a better daughter. I just feel so helpless; no 25 year old deserves to lose her mother to something so cruel as cancer. I’ve watched her go from looking like she wasn’t going to last three weeks to seeing her feel peppier to watching her become much worse than she was at the point of diagnosis. At least they’ve got her pain levels under control right now. I would never wish this kind of suffering on anyone, no matter how bad of a person they are. I just feel so lost, as there’s so many things I wanted to do with my mom that I’ll never have the chance to do.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Could you maybe check with the courthouse and see if the JP or whomever is marrying you could make it to her hospital room or home, wherever your mom is?
I’m so sorry. I, too, lost my mother to lung cancer.
Do whatever you can to spend time with her–you won’t regret it. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her all the good things she’s done. Hold her hand. She’s scared, too, I bet.
I remember feeling that it was the worst thing in the world, watching my mother die, and when you’re facing the worst thing–you want your mom. It’s hard to be strong for the person who was the most important person in your life for so long.
Hospice is a really good thing. Both my mother and mother-in-law died in hospice and the nurses who work there are, 99% of them at least, friggin’ saints.
Sorry to hear that you’re facing this sad situation. I agree that it is something that nobody should have to endure.
If I were you (I’m speaking here as a fellow family member of a cancer patient, not as a doc or anything of the sort) I wouldn’t make a big deal out of getting her to eat. I think psychologically we tend to think of it as “eating will keep you strong” so it becomes very upsetting to see the person go without food, but the body does have resources to keep it going without food for quite a long time, and a lot of times people who are very sick from cancer actually are more comfortable without eating than they are if they try to force food down.
As for the issue of sharing special times together, I don’t think that’s selfish. In fact, I’d say wanting to share that kind of moment with loved ones is the exact opposite of selfishness.
As for the issue of feeling bad about past mistakes, try to remember that nobody is perfect and we’ve all done things to the people we love that we regret. Just try to focus on the good times and cherishing those special memories.
All the best to you and your mom.
Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re not selfish for wishing you had more time. Every one of us who has lost a parent wishes we could have been a better son or daughter.
Grief is all about ourselves; how we miss the other person, all the things we’ll never do with them again, all the holes they leave in our lives. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling selfish; you want your mom in your life because you love her. That’s a good thing. My support and sympathies for this hard time for you and your family.
Thanks for the support and encouragement, everyone. I’m doing my best to make sure she’s comfortable in the time we’ve got left. As for the eating thing, I’m just trying to make sure she at least consumes something during the day, even if it’s just a couple pieces of toast or something slightly more nutritious than ginger ale and pills. I’m glad I’ve been able to share the time that I’ve had with her and that I’ve made more time this summer to visit and attend a few “traditional” family-friends events so that I could at least get some more experiences. I just wish that in this short time I could have relearned a bit more Icelandic and traveled to Iceland again with her. I’m so lucky that I have older brothers to handle some of the tougher aspects of all of this, like the legal and financial stuff that’s going to have to get arranged sometime between now and after she passes.
I never got to say goodbye to my dad, which was both a blessing and a curse. Take the time to love her for as long as you can. It’s never long enough, but it’s important.
I lost my dad last February. I was 55 and he was 83, so it’s definitely not like losing your mom when you’re 25.
Just spend every bit of time you can with her. If you want her to see you get married, do like someone else suggested, and see if you can have it done (or re-done) in front of her if she’s up for it. And just let her know you love her.
We were lucky in some ways. We (me and my siblings) got to spend almost all of my dad’s last week with him. We sat around and reminisced and talked to him when he would rouse and realize we were there. And even when he wasn’t awake, we had the sense that he knew people he loved were nearby. I had hours with my family that really reminded me how much I love them all, and how dear they are to me. That’s a good legacy for a parent to leave.
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s not selfish at all to want more time with your mom. Heck, I’m forty, and if I lost my mom now it wouldn’t feel fair. It would be so much harder to face that at twenty-five.
It’s definitely worth looking into getting married wherever your mom is. I know people who did that when their mom was dying of cancer, and it was a great comfort to the family.
I’ll also echo what others have said. No matter how much time you have with someone, it never feels like enough. And I know when I grieve the loss of someone close to me, my mind sorts through all the woulda/coulda/shouldas too–but those things aren’t what define our relationships with the people we love. I know if I died tomorrow, it wouldn’t be thinking about the rough patches I’ve had with the people I love, but all of the things I love about them.
Take some time, maybe, to reminisce with your mom about good times you’ve shared together as a family. Things she enjoys remembering and that she’d like other people to remember. Write these things down and share them with the rest of the family.
In fact, there are online photo services where you can create books with pictures and text and could eventually translate those writings into print. I did that when I lost my dog and my bird close together a couple of years ago–wrote down my favorite anecdotes and illustrated them with my favorite pictures. Working on the book helped me work through my grief, and in the end, I had something to remember them by. I still get the book out now and then and look at it.
I am sending good thoughts for you and your family.
I can’t imagine losing anyone so close to me now; I’m 28. ((nashiitashii))
I’m also going to echo what others have said and suggest that you have someone marry you so that your mom can be there. Hospitals almost always have a chaplain on staff that can do this; other hospice places usually have clergy come in for services. I would check with these people; they would understand the situation best.
I’m so sorry, nashiitashii. There’s never any way to be ready for the death of a parent but you’re losing your mom young. It has to be really hard for you.
I agree about hospice care; the people who work there really are as close to angels walking this earth as you’ll ever find. My dad died in hospice–colon cancer–and the nurses helped him go through whatever stages he needed to handle. They were also so supportive in helping my sister and I cope with it all. Having somebody you love die is never easy but the hospice nurses helped all of us, dad included, accept it.
Just spend as much time as you can with your mom. And don’t fall into the ‘should have’ trap. You’re with your mom and you love her. Nothing else matters.
You’re in my thoughts. Here’s wishing you all of you strength and comfort.
I’m very sorry that your family is going through this. You will find, after some time, that this time in your life not only brings your family closer together, but strengthens you and deepens your compassion for others. My dad passed away very suddenly a few years ago and while it was the absolute worst time of my life, I also realized how strong I was and what an amazing experience it was. Awful, yet still amazing.
I pray for you to have strength, peace, and comfort. God bless you.
