I lost my Mom on February 19, 2007. Cancer.
nashiitashii, we all beat ourselves up at times like this, if we have half a conscience.
But it ain’t right. And if you feel guilty, it probably ain’t true. The people who really treat their Moms badly, they never feel a pang.
Go & love her. As much as you can.
nashiitashii,
My heart goes out to you, I sat with my youngest sister and watched her fade away from lung and bone cancer.
I think your mom is pleased that you are with her now. I think most people wish they had or were able to spend more time with their loved ones. I do not think she would want you to dwell on the past.She would understand that you have a life too, and would want you to have a happy one.
I worried that my sister (who was only 57 at the time) would not eat,but the hospice nurse told me that in reality we were only feeding the cancer and she would not get much nourishment at all.
Monavis
I know how you feel.
My Mum was healthy all her life until she suddenly got bowel cancer. It was all over in under a month.
Mum decided to go into a hospice. She said her goodbyes to us all, planned her own funeral (as a celebration of her life) and went peacefully.
It’s good that your brothers are handling the legal stuff. (It’s stupid that there is so much paperwork at a time that you least want to do it.)
I hope you won’t mind me offering some practical advice. This stuff really helped me when my Dad died a month after Mum.
Do see your doctor about getting a certificate for time off work.
Do look at grief counselling. You can talk to family in one way, friends in another, but speaking to a sympathetic professional in confidence really helps.
Sweetie, I’m so sorry.
See if your mom can tolerate Boost or Ensure or a similar protein drink. And is there anyway you can get a notary or someone to marry you next to your mother’s bedside?
Don’t beat yourself up. All of us have regrets. But your mom must be a really good mom if you’re going to miss her so much, and that means she did a pretty good job raising you if you love her so much.
((((((((((((nashi)))))))))))
I am sorry to hear your news. It is a painful process and difficult to watch a loved one pass. May whatever gods there be, be with you, your family and your mother during this difficult time.
Sending supporting thoughts your way!
My father passed away two weeks ago. I know how hard it is and can sympathize with feeling guilty and inadequate. It sucks. 
Nashiitashii, I am so sorry to hear this. I don’t even know what else to say. I will be praying for you and your family.
Nashiitashii, having just been through this with my sister-in-law (passed about 3 weeks ago, diagnosis in March), my heart goes out to you. I’m very sorry.
Thanks everyone for being so kind and helpful. I let my older brother take a shift at taking care of my mom this afternoon, and before I left, I actually managed to get her to eat some food, and not just the Boost and ice cream “milkshake” that she’s been supplementing herself with; somehow she was hungry enough this morning to have eggs and bacon and a bit of hash browns. Mind you, she didn’t eat all of it, but the accomplishment of actually seeing her eat and not turn her nose up at food made me feel a lot better about the situation. She still looks like she could fall asleep and not wake up again, though.
As for getting married before she passes, I haven’t talked with Acid Lamp about arranging a day or two to get to the courthouse, get the paperwork, and drive down to my mom to get it done (we’ve got a family friend who’s a notary and lives close to Mom). I’m going to have to do that soon. I just need to get some time when my head’s not all fuzzy from the “holy crap, my mom’s dying!” bit. I also need to spend a day or two catching up on my homework, as I didn’t get a ton of it done this weekend; there was more to get done around the house and more time I wanted to spend with my mom instead of actually working on my assignments.
{{{{{{{{{{{nashiitashii}}}}}}}}}}}
Take care of yourself.
I have gone through somewhat similar earlier this year.
You may e-mail me if you like.
So sorry, nashi. Keep us updated.
Hugs.
GT
My mother died suddenly when I was 29 (complications from surgery). I feel that I missed out on so many years with her once I had grown out of the spolied brat phase (took a while for me).
I am so sorry that this is happening. I know what you are going through. Make what memories you can…
I don’t want to encourage you to miss class or anything, but school will still be there after all your personal crises are over. Putting your mom ahead of your classes right now is not a bad priority. I believe you might be able to talk to your school about compassionate leave if you need to - put your student career on hiatus until you can come back to it. You know what’s best for you - one lesson I’ve learned the hard way is to go easy on myself sometimes. If you can’t handle school right now, give yourself a break.
I almost didn’t open this thread, as my own experience is still too raw. My mother was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in Jan 06 and died a year later. She was not yet fifty and I’m just now 30.
lavenderviolet’s points about food are all spot on. If your mum is now in Hospice care, take your cues from them about whether or not to even pressure her to eat.
My mother was in Hospice care for the last week of her life. They were wonderful, both during that time and after her death; they offered counseling (both individual and group) to my younger brother and myself. Please consider making use of these resources and any help offered to you.
I’ll repeat that: Make use of any help offered to you. This is not the time to be strong or to go things alone. You absolutely can and should use all the support available to you and your family.
Nothing is easy about what you’re experiencing, but just be honest with yourself about what you want and how you want to spend your time. I cannot imagine you will ever regret spending more time with your mum now.
If there’s anything else I can offer, now or at any time, in the way of advice or just a compassionate ear, please do not hesitate to message me. Believe me, if I weren’t at the other side of the state, I’d be making baskets of casserole and tea for you and your family now. My thoughts are with you all, nashiitashii.
Aye.
School will be there in a few weeks. Your mom, sadly, will not.
When Bro announced his wedding date, my parents were angry that he and SiL weren’t waiting for Dad to get better. When Dad died five months after the wedding, perhaps the most-common first reaction was “oh God, I’m so glad he could see your brother married!” Then people would realize that might be taken badly and aha and ahum, but heck, it was also one of the first things I’d said to Mom! “So… if they’d waited, they would have waited for how long?” By Mom’s count, they would have gotten married two years later than they did… if the respective parental units didn’t manage to drive by-the-book SiL into eloping; Bro would have been happy to elope three months after they met.
If you can do the wedding-at-the-bedside thing, do it; if you can’t, know that your mother wants you to be happy a lot more than she wants to see you in a pretty gown.
Here, {{{{{{{{{{{{a dozen hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} for you, nashiitashii!
How are you doing today?
I’m doing okay, but it’s mostly because I can compartmentalize and I have a lot on my plate to keep me busy otherwise. I’ve been at work for the past couple of days, and keeping up and getting ahead with schoolwork has definitely been a priority. Right now I can only wait until the oncologist talks to my mom about the state of things, and think about driving down there to visit again sometime in the next couple of weeks. It’s tough to think about the inevitable, so I try not to for now so I can still function with my regular tasks. When it gets closer to when she passes, I’m going to see if my workplace offers some sort of free grief counseling; if not, I’m going to get some books on the subject and see if I can find a local group that does that stuff.
I’m not sure if all funeral homes do this, but when my dad died the funeral director gave us information to contact a grief counselor. We didn’t need to go to counseling, but I was really pleased to see that the funeral home really did think of everything, knowing that most people are completely lost when they walk in the door. I really appreciated that they had so much great information for us in one folder. Very professional and compassionate.
My dad died last December. I am lousy at giving sympathy, but good at giving practical advice, so that’s what I’ll do.
You have expressed concern about the legal and financial stuff you and your brothers will have to deal with after your mom dies. The best way to avoid problems is to make sure you know where to find your mom’s insurance policies, bank accounts, retirement savings, deed to the house, title to the car, will, etc. If you have all that gathered together, it shouldn’t be much of a hassle when the times comes to wrap things up. And now is the time you can ask her, if you feel up to it.
nashiitashii- look after yourself.
Take the time you have left with your mum and make it special.
Anything you want to say, say it, anything you want to ask, ask it.
Your mum knows she is loved and that means a lot.
On a practical note:
If she can’t leave the house, perhaps you could make the house a nicer place to be for her? If she’s a hoseproud lady, a maid service to straighten things out might be a nice morale booster.
If you can’t make it home, perhaps you could have a floral arrangement of your mum’s favourite flowers delivered to the house?
Maybe you could go through old family photos and frame them so as to make sure wherever she looks she can see the people she loves.
You’re in my thoughts.