I'm scared for my mom (cancer)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This has been going on for nearly a month now, but I haven’t really had the courage to post about it here until now. About a month ago or so, my mom goes in for her regular mammogram and they find an odd result. She gets a biopsy, and they find a tiny (7mm) tumor; this leads to an MRI/PET scan and some other scans to see if it’s spread elsewhere. It has: they found “hot spots” in her chest lymph nodes, right lung, and bones. Last week she got a femur film and a lung biopsy and we won’t be hearing back about what the final diagnosis is until Friday, but considering her history of smoking and the leg pains she’s had over the past couple of months, it’s entirely likely that it’s going to be BAD if not terminal. I talked with a family friend who’s seen her lately and asked her how she seems to be feeling; my mom’s been hiding a lot from me, as she’s in a lot of pain (on painkillers as well) and has lost a significant amount of weight in the past few weeks. She’s not looking good, and I’m really worried about her. I have, however, accepted the idea that she’s not going to live through another decade, no matter how good the treatment is.

At this point, I’m going to be supportive and try to help her where I can, but there’s a few other things that I have to deal with as well. I’m probably not going to take classes this summer so I can drive back and forth to help take care of her, and I’m going to have to have a serious talk with her about what to do with the wedding planning, as I obviously want to have my mom see me get married. I also don’t have any clue as to whether she’s handled the more practical aspects of things, like funerary arrangements and wills and such, which might be muddled further legally because of her lack of US citizenship. Either way, I just want to be there for her like she has been for me; it’s just overwhelming because I’m only 25 and am still struggling to get settled on my own. Most of all, I don’t want her to suffer.

I’ll be hearing the news on Friday, and hopefully it won’t be while I’m at work. I can’t imagine being able to function without being curled up into an emotional fetal ball afterward, no matter what the news is.

2

Whoa, back up there a bit. Let’s not borrow trouble. Wait and see what the test results say on Friday, and then explore the options.

3

Okay, so, I’ve got a few things to mention that may clear it up so you don’t think I’m overreacting:

  1. My mom has smoked heavily for probably close to twice as long as I’ve been alive. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s got lung cancer.
  2. The family friend I asked is an RN who went through cancer treatment a few years back, and advised me that some of the symptoms she’s showing are not good at best.
  3. The bone pain she’s been experiencing was noted as a possible latent sign of cancer with her.
  4. She’s been steadily going downhill with this stuff since February to the point where her behavior has changed drastically; she’s much more lethargic than she’s ever been, and she’s in a lot more pain than she’s ever been. Coupled with the initial pinpointing of all these hot spots as likely cancer, I’m going to assume it’s not going to be an easy ride, no matter what. At her age (mid-60s), it’s going to be a rough ride even if it were just the breast cancer, but it’s not.
4

I have no doubt her health is not the best. But there still may be treatment options for her.

5

There may be treatment options, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s necessarily going to help her live beyond 70. I am more worried because I’m waiting than anything else.

6

{{{nashiitashii}}}

I’m sorry that the time just ahead is going to be so hard for you and your mother. All of us will be hoping for the best for both of you.

7

[channeling your Mom]

Nuh-uh.

I don’t want you to put your life on hold–and possibly screw yourself in the future because you didn’t take those classes–just because you think you’re obligated to nursemaid me. I’ve been looking after myself for longer than you’ve been alive, and I don’t need you to wipe my ass for me.

Bwah? Business as usual, toots. This changes nothing. If ya move up the wedding date, everyone will think, “I want to get married before my mom dies”, which is an INCREDIBLE downer. Way to ruin the happy day for everyone. " tiny :rolleyes: "

[exasperated parental sigh]

It took me 25 years to get you out of the house, took a flat quarter-century to get you to the point where you could “get settled on your own”. You think I want you to squander that, think I want you to throw all that away? Hell, no. You stay right where you are. If I want help, I’ll ask for it.

But don’t hold yer breath. :wink:

[another exasperated parental sigh]

I don’t want you to be there. I want you to be taking classes, so’s you can advance your life. Gwan, geddoudahere. :smiley:

You got that right. We all die of somethin’, eventually. If it’s my turn, then I’m up for it.

But I don’t want to leave you behind as something only halfway functional; I wanna be able to look at you, living your OWN life, and say, “Yep, I did a good job, got the chick out of the nest knowing how to make it on its own. It’ll be okay.”

So? I need more than 70? 70’s good. Threescore and ten, that’s what it says in the owner’s manual. I’ve had a good busy life, been some places, done some good. Raised you for starters. :smiley:

[shrug] I been suffering all my life. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The physical plant breaks down, starting at about age 35. Just add one more thing to the list, is all. Why do you think I’ve kept my mouth shut all these months when it’s been hurtin’, and I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t say anything? It’s because it’s just one more thing. Lost another hubcap.

And it’s precisely because I didn’t want you to do what you’re now proposing to do, which is put your life on hold in order to devote 100% of your time and energy to me.

Seriously, if I could magically send you off on a two-year mission to Mars so I could get through this myself, I would.

I’ll let you hang around and keep in touch, but let’s hear no more silly talk about “I wanna be there for her” as meaning “I’m going to nurse you till the bitter end”. I DON’T WANT you to spend the next couple years of your life sitting around doctors offices with me every day, and nursing me. I want you to make a life for yourself; that’s my legacy.

You’re there even when you’re not there, didn’t you know that? :smiley: You don’t need to be within daily touching distance in order to “be there for me”. If you were on a two-year mission to Mars, you’d still “be there for me”, albeit with an 18-minute time lag.

/channeling

8

{{{nashiitashii}}}

9

No offense, DDG, but that wasn’t reassuring at all, and I think you’re completely misinterpreting what I’m saying. It did, however, make me feel worse about the whole situation. As it is, shuffling around the two classes I was planning to take this summer and pushing them into the fall semester won’t make much of a difference, as I’ll graduate in the spring or summer with my MLIS either way. I just don’t want to neglect my mom if she really needs my help, which, at this point, looks fairly likely based on the information I have.

10

Sorry to hear you are facing this scary situation. Cancer sucks. I know that from my own family too. :frowning:
But here’s something I (as a medical student, not a patient) once heard from a very wise oncologist that I found comforting: “Don’t ever call someone ‘terminal’. I don’t when anyone’s going to die, and neither do you.”
There are people with advanced cancer that are expected to die who end up beating the odds and living for years with their disease…and at the same time, there are young healthy people that you’d expect to live for decades who have their lives cut short by a car wreck or other misfortune.
None of us really know how much time we have left, regardless of our circumstances.
Treatments are getting better all the time for cancer as we get a little closer to understanding how it all works, and there are often options to control cancer for years even when it can’t be eradicated.
I would actually recommend trying to spend a lot of time with your mom making good memories and maybe even moving up the wedding simply because NOBODY has a guarantee for how long they’re going to live (including young folks like you and I), so I believe in seizing the moment. But don’t despair and don’t lose hope even if you do get bad news. All the best to you and your mom.

11

Thanks for the advice; I was planning on trying to spend more time with her mostly because we haven’t had a lot of opportunities to do so since I moved out and I know she’d like to do it. Originally we were planning on looking at the sites that I was interested in for wedding stuff in August, but that’ll all depend on the treatment route she decides to take and whether she’s going to feel up to it. It’s just a little overwhelming, as we’re over a year out from our original date and moving the wedding up may or may not guarantee that she’ll be around and healthy enough to participate.

I’ll update again on Friday after I’ve found out the news, and I’ll probably drive down for Mother’s Day. Acid Lamp has yet to experience any holidays as celebrated by my family, and this will give him a reasonably good idea of how events with family friends work in addition to getting to see everyone again.

12

nashii, you don’t know me but we have something in common it seems. My mother (also in her late 60s at this point) was also diagnosed with cancer. Twice; ovarian the first time and breast the second. We live about 400 miles apart, so there were obvious issues with being available to help, but with a good, aggressive oncologist, some luck and support from both family and some very good cancer support groups she has made it through and is in remission. Has been for over 5 years with the OVCA, 3 years for the breast.

I think you naturally have a fear for the worst, and that’s okay. For now. I think one of the things you will need to do is be strong for your mom. She will need that, especially initially if cancer is diagnosed. She may need someone who can be coldly rational about things, but she will probably surprise you there. Don’t make assumptions about what she will want or need. You will need to be a very good listener, and while you may agree to postpone or accelerate things, you should only do it after discussing it with her and her doctor. Do meet and get to know her doctor, btw. I don’t know if your mom would be someone who would want to discuss things with a support group who are either undergoing what she is, or who have already. It helped my mom a lot, but she’s a really chatty person like that :wink:

Cancer is not a death sentence. Many cancers are very, very treatable. Be strong, listen well, be involved, but do not put your life completely on hold. That will piss your mom off.

13

My father is dying of lung cancer and he is refusing any treatment. He probably doesn’t have much longer. But - he says that I shouldn’t put my life on hold because of it. He doesn’t know when he’s going to die; no one does. I was going to cancel my after finals trip, and he said definitely not.

Live your life.

14

Well, fuck. That certainly wasn’t what I intended.

:frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning:

[goes away quietly]

15

Don’t stress it, DDG, she just needs time to sort her feelings out.

16

You’re scared. And part of the way to deal with the fear is to look at the very worst scenario and try to come to grips with it. But just because that’s what you’re imagining doesn’t mean that’s what will happen, by any means.

My mother is going to be 77 on her next birthday.She raised 5 kids. She’s had cancer twice. She’s had major heart surgery. She’s had a massive stroke. She was with my father who died of lung cancer (he was a non-smoker). She smoked for 50 years and quit cold turkey the day she went in for heart surgery. And she’s recovered from all of it. She’s not the woman she was when she was 20, or 50. But she’s still happy and is thinking about moving from her small house back to her big house, because she misses being able to entertain.

None of us knows how long we’ll have with our loved-ones. So all you can do is make sure you let her know you love her and enjoy what time you have left, whether it’s 2 years or 10 years or twenty. Let her guide you in what she needs from you. It may be that she’s keeping this low-key because that’s how she needs to handle it. Follow her lead.

Best of luck to both of you.

StG

17

I’m sorry to read this, nashii. Keep us updated as you learn more details. I’m sure you’ll work out what you need to do as you learn more and talk things out with your mother.

GT

18

I talked with her this morning and got the “ok” to come down for Mother’s Day. (We’re pretty low key about greeting card holidays, so I didn’t know whether she wanted me to come down or not.) I’ll hear back tomorrow (probably while I’m at work) about what’s going on and I’ll be able to update later that night. At this point, there are a lot of questions up in the air, especially concerning whether she’d want to visit her family and her homeland one more time just in case.

19

Okay, so I got information about my mom’s diagnosis from the family friend that went to the oncologist with my mom today. She has stage 4 lung cancer, which has spread to her bones and adrenal glands. The breast cancer was a completely separate issue, and at this point, if she survives six months of chemotherapy, they’ll address the breast cancer issue then.

I’m going down to visit for Mother’s Day, and we’re going to have some serious talks about what she wants to do beyond the treatment and how we’re going to handle making sure she has help when she needs it between all of us. I don’t know if she’s going to be too stubborn to want me to move up the wedding date or not, but I hope she’ll at least go along with the idea of maybe doing a courthouse thing early on and going on with the other date as planned just in case she’s still around then.

I’m sad, but I’m also feeling a little numb emotionally too. There’s a lot to do and I’m just glad I’m not alone with helping her out.

20

So sorry to read this news. Good thoughts and prayers headed your way. Keep us updated.

GT