death of a child

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

How do you cope?
Do you have other kids?
How long since they died?
I have a hard time with the holidays now. She was almost 11, she was beautiful, smart and MINE! She attended William and Mary in third grade as a “gifted student”. She weas even more than that.
She fished offshore and caught dolfin (fish - Mahi Mahi/Dorado) when she was 7. At 3 could say Liquidambar Styrasiflua, at 5 she could spell it.
Last October she (with help) caught her first tuna, a yellowfin around 65 pounds. I have the video.
I miss her. She drowned. I was there when they found her.
I’m divorced, I had just gotten back into town from a work trip and walked through the door and set my bags down. My room mate told me “Your Ex called, she thinks your daughter drowned”.
I’ve read threads about nightmares. I used to have them. Now the worst dream I have ever had is a nice distraction from life. I have VIVID dreams! I always have. I found my fathers body when I was 3. That gave me some bad dreams. I guess I was lucky in one way in that; I had my mid-life crisis at 3 or so. I knew about mortality at an early age.

My son was there when she drowned. I cannot break the cycle!

He’s Ok now. But what about later, when he’s much older?

I think I would make a good actor. I can fake it all for his sake. Except for the tears. I haven’t been able to control them all the way yet. I’m not afraid of crying. I just don’t want to spoil his fun.

the tears roll when i’m not looking. i get tear salt in my eyes and i can’t see.

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My heart goes out to you, tunabreath. :frowning:

Perhaps MsRobyn or Roadwalker will post a reply to this thread (they are Dopers who have both had children that died).

You & your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

3

Hello Tunabreath
I have not lost a child, but I wanted to first say I am so very sorry.

I frequent another board for a specific topic, and one of the members lost her daughter. This site www.compassionatefriends.org was suggested to her.

Maybe they will be able to answer some of your questions and will relate to you as well.

I just wanted to post this incase people here were not around at this time that might have suffered a loss of a child, but that there are those somewhere online that can respond.

I wish you well,
Sky

4

Dear God, tunabreath, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I wish that there was something that I could say to help ease your sorrow, but words are paltry and pathetic in the face of such anguish.

Have you given any thought to getting counseling for your son? Even if he seems fine, you might want to consider it. He must be feeling pain that, at a young age, children can’t express properly. It may help him. And you might think about joining a support group for people that have lost a child. It might help to talk to people that have gone though this.

5

I am so sorry about the death of your daughter. I would second the call to get some counseling, for you and your son both. While it won’t close the wound, perhaps it could give you a little peace…

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I can’t conceive of how it must feel. I think I would have to be in some kind of intensive therapeutic environment if anything happened, even remotely like that, to my son.

Good luck, dude, and to your son.

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The holidays are especially hard tunabreath, not that it is ever easy. We have so many graphic memories surrounding any holiday.

My third son would have been 16 this year and it is thoughts and sharing such as yours, that bring back the memories. Fortunately, the good memories overwhelm the bad over time.

Gather the rest of your family around you, try to associate with others that knew your daughter and are willing to reminisce with you about your daughter or at the very least, listen to you. I am certain you have already been steered to the Compassionate Friends. Do go and check it out.

My two oldest sons were with me when Ian died. They won’t ever forget him. We occasionally talk about him and his death. I still have photos on the wall and we sometimes go through the albums telling my two youngest about the brother they never got a chance to know.

Our entire family grieved differently. My wife sought comfort from others, I found comfort in being alone in beautiful surroundings. I wasn’t much help to either of my boys; they each had to work through it on their own, but knew of my constant love for them.

Somehow, at least for my children, it seemed easier for them to accept the loss of a sibling than it was for his mother and I. Parents don’t ever expect to have to bury their children.

I do wish that there had been a caring community such as the SDMB around when we went through our tragedy. I have seen it bring comfort to so many others who have bared their souls here in the Ethernet.

If you feel like it, I know that many here would like to hear more about your precious treasure and ways that you are discovering for coping.

Of course, my e-mail is in my profile if you feel like sharing privately.

8

Someone should explain to your roommate the concept of tact. Unless you were paraphrasing.

My condolences.

9

“Tunabreath”, No word can really help. If you are of a particular faith, it might be of some help. What has all been said so far in this thread is valid.
a) do not keep it locked up ALL the time.
b) keep on remembering the good stuff.
c) time is the biggest healer and that can seem as it has and will stand still.

I lost a Brother when I was young. It does fade, even a bad electrocution.
My daughter was murdered when she was 18 years and 6 weeks old. Her killer walks this planet because of an imperfect system. I live with that every day of my life. It has now been over 11 years. Ask me which second you want to know about.

Keep on keeping on.

Bad things happen to good people.

I hope you don’t find that moment when punk kids catch you on a bad day and you wonder why your daughter is dead and these creatures of filth are still alive.

You will find those that will tell you what is proper and “right” to feel and think. They are wrong. Healing is inside you , not outside.

You must heal yourself and you must give your self time and the permission to fail at what you expect of your self from time to time.

Buy a gift for your little girl and give it in her name to an unknown little girl on the street or in the mall. Tis the season.

Talk to those who will listen quietly and write, write, write. You do not need to make sense. Just do.

Your love and memories of her are what will shine forever, not the physical things of hers on this earth.

There are a lot of words and concepts out there.

Bravery,
Courage,
Doing the right thing,

But mostly for me it is just ENDURING one day at a time.

It will get better.

Gus

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I am so sorry. My sympathies to your hearts.

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:frowning:

I’m sorry for your loss. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. Godspeed.

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Dear tunabreath, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. It’s been said so many times, but it’s so true: No one should have to bury their child. Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people on the SDMB and that we’re here to listen.

13

Thanks for reading about my sorrow and responding.
Yes my son did get counseling as did I. He was 7 at the time, he’s now 8. His counselor said he’s doing good, there’s nothing hidden in his grief. What you see is what you get with him. We talk about it, he and I, and he is sad too. He’s very young and the young heal faster. I know from experience.
My counselor specializes in grief also and there wasn’t a lot to be done for me. Nothing that time and thought can’t do.
When I see punks, bad people I don’t wish that they had died instead or could trade some of their live years for her dead ones, or at least I rarely do. I mostly wish they would stop hurting others. I don’t have the time or heart to hate.
I don’t have a lot of friends but those I have are very close ones and without them…
The only family I have is my son and without him…
There is a phrase you hear “Some days are better than others” I say “Some days aren’t as bad as others” I only get my son on weekends. Those are the best days.
I had a lady, a wonderful one. I don’t know what happened, maybe she couldn’t handle the grief. She was there all night with me while they searched for my baby. I love her. I guess that isn’t enough.
Yes, my roommate said exactly that 3_14159265358979323846, (may I call you pi?), I wouldn’t have it any other way. In an emergency I don’t have time for tact.
Write, write, write. yes. I do. I am.
I wish I believed in God. Then I could believe in heaven. Then I would believe that after it’s all over it will be OK.

Dear Bare and GusNSpot,

I’m sorry. As you know better than any, there are no words.

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted–nevermore!

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Would you like to know about her? Would you read such a long post?

15

Absolutely. Tell on.

16

Tunabreath,

I’m so very sorry for your loss (((((((hugs))))))

Time will heal. Yes, I would be gald to read about your beloved daughter.

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She was my best friend too. So very smart, adventurous, nothing scared her. She was beautiful, petite with long blond hair. She was so loving! Everyone got hugs from her, not fake Hollywood hugs, real ones full of warmth and smiles. She was great in the woods, she could identify so many trees no matter what the season. She could swim like a fish! I only live a few blocks from the ocean and we would swim way out to the dolfin. We’d have them swimming all around us within just a few feet. Once she swore one swam between her feet. I think it was my foot but I never told her so. Why spoil the magic? I just smile.
She learned how to talk at an early age. She made up her first joke at 19 months. She was sitting next to her mother and a cat was on her mother’s lap. The cat’s tail drooped over into Her hand and she pucked it up and held it to her ear and said “Hello? Hello? Tailaphone! Get it? Get it?”
I was rolling on the floor laughing and my wife is saying “What? What? What’s so funny?”
The first time they (my kids) saw sea foam I told them it was shaving cream for catfish. They ran around collecting all they could and started making Kids beards.
She spent more time teaching other kids how to have fun with things than she spent doing those things sometimes.
I remember once I took them to a park in the fall and when I turn around I see her on the ground with her arm stuck up to the shoulder reaching into a tree trunk and before I can say anything she’s pulling out toads! I was afraid of snakes being in there. Once I saw the toad I knew it was OK, you won’t find both of them in the same place voluntarily. So she’s reaching back in there and pulling out more, she must have gotten around ten before the rest were out of reach.
The next thing you know she’s getting all these other little kids in the park and organizing them all in a row. It’s race time! Toad races! A kid from the other side of the park comes over and wishes he had a toad to race and she gives him hers. Generous little angel, I miss her so.
At home she would catch toads and play with them, name them and even memorize their markings. Each spring when they would come out of hybernation she would recognize them and refer to them by the name she’d given them. I asked her once how she knew for certain how this toad was Toady or Peeper from last year and she would sit me down like a child and explain to me that if you look closely you will see that each toad has individual markings. “See Dad? This one has this squigly mark on it’s head and this one’s back is like this?” she would say.
She would teach kids how to body board, she thinks she taught me too.
When she drowned it was at a barrow pit. She was there catching bullfrog tadpoles to bring to school so all the kids in her class would each have at least one. These places are notorious for their drop-offs, they can go from a few inches deep to 10 feet deep in a step or two. That’s what happened. It made her pannic. She drowned.
Everyone loved her. Her school was shocked as well. All those crying kids.
She’d had her school pictures but never brought them home to have us buy them. When I went into the assistant principal’s office I saw them on her desk. She wasn’t big on stuff like that. Not a vain bone in her body.

18

Every time I read or hear something like this, I give my kids a longer hug than normal when I get home.

I’m so sorry, Tunabreath.

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I am so so sorry for your loss. It is not easy to lose a child, this I know all too well.

She sounds lovely and you must miss her something aweful.

May peace be with you.

Washte

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Wonderful memories, well told Tunabreath, will you share her name with us?