…that my son was killed in a car accident. Two weeks ago (February 8) would have been his 21st birthday.
And I am falling apart. I have been a basket case since his birthday. Right now it doesn’t seem like I will ever be able to rejoin life.
My method of dealing with his death has been to do my absolute best not to think about it. That’s definitely not the most healthy way, but it’s the only way I’ve been able to keep going for the past year. I’ve stuffed him into a box in the back of my head, locked it closed, and labeled it “do not open under any circumstances.”
Like I said, not the best way, but the only way I could keep going.
Then came his birthday. The box opened up and all of the emotion that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel came pouring out. I don’t know if I will ever stop crying. I may stop momentarily but as soon as I do I will see something that reminds me of him and I’ll start again. I have been totally unable to function for the past two weeks.
My God do I miss my son. The pain is indescribable. I would give anything to have him back. He was so full of life, and so full of potential. A part of me is gone that can never be replaced.
I was talking with my two daughters today. They are hurting also. I love them and want to be there for them, but I have no idea what to say. We are going to go visit his grave tomorrow.
What I wouldn’t give for one more minute with him.
I saw a counselor today. She has diagnosed me as severely depressed (No shit, Really???) and has referred me to a doctor who I will go see tomorrow. Somehow I have to keep going. Somehow I have to make it through this. Somehow I have to pick up the pieces and move on.
I have no idea how though. I want the pain to stop but it won’t. I want to think back on my son’s life and smile when I think of his accomplishments during his short life. I was so proud of him. Right now there is only despair.
I realize I’m rambling. I don’t post here much. In fact, I signed up a few months ago to participate in a single thread. But you people seem like a caring bunch. I want to be alone, but at the same time I want to talk, let it out.
Maybe this will help. I don’t know.