Is it silly to reach out after 40 years, out of the blue, to send an apology?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Thank you, @susan.

Continuing…

Yes, if I were to apologize now it would be way waaaay overdue. But as my dad used to say, sometimes it’s “Better late than later.”

I’ve forgiven myself long ago. We act and we make the best decisions based on the information we have at that time. Hindsight may give more clearer vision on a prior event, but that’s the nature of life. We live, and hopefully we learn and apply those lessons in future opportunities. I don’t beat myself up. I look to learn, and then I pay it forward.

It’s that song that pops up every now and then that reminds me of her. Sister golden hair surprise is the song, from around 1975. I like the song, it’s my kind of music, but also she is a sister golden hair surprise to me and the song takes me back to those good times. She had beautiful long, flowing, blonde hair. Like the Southern California stereotype — and college was down south, in Santa Barbara, at UCSB. Or UC of surf and beach. Or of sexy blondes. It was a good time. And today she still has her long, flowing, blonde hair, according to her FB pictures. The years have been kind to her.

I don’t speak wistfully here. It is, instead, reminiscing on some of the good people who have blessed my life. And she was one of them.

I am a blessed man and I live a blessed life. As I type this my wife and I are enjoying a weekend in Lake Tahoe together. The weather is good and we love the fresh mountain air up here. We arrived last night and have enjoyed a good day today. The trails and scenery here really hit us in the right ways. We remain very much in love. Our son and his girlfriend arrive soon and we’ll spend tomorrow together. Gotta love AirBNB. Except that Tahoe is crazy expensive so we’re out near Truckee, a quick 30 minute drive away and much more affordable. 3 nights in Tahoe and then we’ll leave early Monday morning and hit the road at 0500 to be back in the SFBA CA to start the daily grind at work. In some ways I feel as though each day with my wife is a honeymoon. And it’s been 18 years of days like that.

So, back to the thread topic, and yes I’m a romantic at heart. If, IF I were to apologize to sister golden hair surprise, it would have to include the fact that I’m so much in love with my wife and have no ulterior motives than to clear the air, or at least try to, all these years later.

And it’d have to be succinct. Not like this post.

82

Without knowing a single thing about her, how are you certain of that? Is it 100% certain that this wouldn’t trigger anything anything negative in her? In your professional opinion, you know this to always be true in all cases?

83

In my professional opinion, if the grievance happened 40 years ago, it has either faded into insignificance or, if it hasn’t been forgotten, is too heinous to apologize for.

84

There are no guarantees in life. Or very few of them anyway.

Of course not. Get real.

85

What if the person that you feel you owe an apology 40 years ago, learned a valuable life lesson all those years ago. They examined why you were an asshole to them, made changes, and that made all of the difference in the world in their life. Changes that never would have been made if you were not a jerk so many years ago. Defined a new path in life for them.

I would not take that away from them by a late apology.

Because, lets face it, your apology is not for them, it is for you. And after 40 years you are being selfish even offering it, because it is for you, not for them.

86

No. The one who needs to get real is the therapist who blithely states how good this is with both parties without knowing a damn thing about the other party.

No qualifications at all. Yes, it can be good for everyone, but there are cases where it may not be good. Someone who is offering her professional advice should know that.

87

An apology wouldn’t take that away from them.And if that were the case, that they learned a valuable life lesson, then so much the better.

88

Be careful not to change the meaning of her words.

89

I swear, I spent the first part of my life carrying a grudge toward people who screwed me over or let me down or somehow disappointed me. Then I spent many years realizing that situations weren’t that simple (it was a misunderstanding, I drew first blood, I tolerated their bad treatment, I made honest mistakes and so did they, etc.), and here lately I only seem to remember only times when I myself was a total dick. As Dan Fogelberg sang,

Good for you, OP, to acknowledge to yourself that you did wrong and to admit it here. They’re long odds but what if fate intervenes? If she initiates contact, OK. If there’s a TRULY chance encounter, maybe.

But nah, you shouldn’t send an apology. People use their experiences to grow, learn and move on, making better choices in the future. Don’t ask her to relive that unpleasantness so that the you can feel less guilty. Sending an unsolicited letter may land like a bomb from 30,000 feet—devastating whether you’re there to see the effect or not.

A quote that stuck with me: Candace Bergen said, “It takes a long time to become a person.” We battle our problems—insecurity, jealousy, competitiveness, etc.—all our lives. Sometimes we step on the other guy’s toes but all we can do is keep trying.

I’m sure there are cases like @Spice_Weasel describes and when someone is still in or near your personal orbit like that, it’s a very different deal. Barring that sort of scenario, the wisdom of the ages, IMO: “Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Let me leave you with a hypothetical. OP decides to sit down with this person.

OP: “Thanks so much for meeting with me. I just really wanted you to know how sorry I am for what happened back then.”

Woman: (clearly hurt, returning to those days) “Oh, it’s ok. My therapist says we’re making great strides.”
-or-
Woman: (taking OP’s hands in hers, kissing them) “It’s ok; we’re together now. And you’re worth it!'”
-or-
Woman: (starting quiet, getting louder, in a crowded restaurant) “Do you have ANY idea how many FUCKING nights I couldn’t SLEEP because YOU…”
-or-
Woman: “You know when that happened, it was the same week my mom died?”
-or-
Woman: Yeah, I couldn’t believe what an asshole you were! I just had to see you today to tell you that. My life is so much better without you and I can only thank you. Who the FUCK do you think you ARE?
-or-
(fill in the blank)

My point is that you can’t know. You can hope you’ll both laugh and gee that was a long time ago blah blah, and it sure was nice seeing you again, ok let’s go home to our spouses. And here, I have a disconnect. “I cared about you enough to reach out. Now let’s never talk again.”

Anyway, what if it doesn’t go in the best direction? I’m not trying to paint her as a crazy—I’m asking, what if meeting again provokes something? This “taking responsibility” thing can go a lot farther than expected.

What was William Hurt’s line from “The Big Chill,” delivered to Jeff Goldblum (IIRC)? “You knew me a little bit a long time ago” or something like that.

90

@lobotomyboy63 yes, it’s all part of the plan.

I didn’t have to look that up. I’m a Fogelberg fan. Now I will read the rest of your post.

91

Gee, so it’s okay for other people to offer an opinion based on their experiences and world view, but not for me to offer an opinion based on mine? Enjoy yourselves.

92

Not at all, Susan. You’re a person of special expertise and I hope you’ll share your views. I’ve studied a fair amount (BA roughly) of psychology and I’d love to hear your take on all this.

93

Aaagh, they’re keyboard warriors. Brave when behind a keyboard millions of miles away, but face to face they only think about saying it, then they slink away, hoping they were never seen let alone heard. They are not kind, not forgiving, not understanding, not willing to entertain a different point of view. not willing to discuss and understand, but only to attack.

I just leave ‘em be. They like to feel important.

94

ETA, missed the edit window. That’s not a window! It’s a pin hole!

Thanks for your post. I really like the Candace Bergen saying too. Yeah it’ll stay where it belongs, in the past.

95

Cool, you and @susan both. My daughter is finishing her MPS in I-O Psych, Master of Professional Studies, Industrial-organizational psychology.

Her class topics and projects sound fascinating to me.

96

I don’t mean to sound more expert than I am…it’s been decades since my last psych class. @susan must be a better source than I am. I hope she weighs in again.

97

Well, in my case, I literally didn’t remember the person, let alone how he wronged me. So the meaningfulness boiled down to, “do I want to do a favor to this stranger who apparently did something bad to me in the past, and accept his apology so he can feel better about himself?”

I decided it was an easy mitzvah, so I did it. But I think you may be greatly overestimating the meaningfulness of an apology to the recipient, delivered decades after the fact.

98

That is certainly one interesting point of view and of course you are free to believe what you want.

Another way to look at this is that people responding here have also lived lives. Been wronged, done wrong, live with regrets. Some have even shared their stories and experiences with this kind of thing.

Perhaps you should assume that most people here are every bit as thoughtful, kind, forgiving, understanding, reflective and even willing to entertain various points of view. It’s arrogant (there’s that word again!) of you to assume you have achieved some sort of level of enlightenment that others here have not. Those who have advised you not to reach out to this person from 40 years in the past are giving you advice from the benefit of their various experiences and introspection. And let’s not forget, YOU asked for advice. We didn’t knock on your door and drag you out on your lawn to beat our opinions into you.

You’re going to do whatever it is you’ve already decided to do and the best of luck to you with all of that. I’m just encouraging you to look deeper than I think you have so far to examine your motives for not just wanting to make this apology but why you’ve been hanging on to this for 40 years despite repeated assurances of how you’ve healed since and how your life is the picture of perfection. I’m not saying that isn’t true. I’m saying that’s not all there is to it and, if I’m honest, I’m interested in what I believe to be the less than perfect motives about why this continued to haunt you through your life. We all have “songs”. Not all of us dwell on them to the extent you appear to have.

That said, I’ve lived in SF for 2 years and spent a lot of time in Tahoe and been in Truckee, skied, hiked and biked all over the area. That was back in the 90’s. I remember it well and you are indeed fortunate to have made a life there.

99

Maybe you should make that apology after all!

100

You never know… That was good.