This is probably silly to even consider doing, and so I’ll ask the wise folks here. What I did wasn’t all that terrible. I’m pretty confident in that assessment. It didn’t cause any permanent or serious damage. But when I think on it, I feel bad about how I acted.
The short of it is that when I was in college I didn’t treat my girlfriend well in this one situation. Our relationship ended because I moved away, and we have never seen or communicated with each other. We dated for maybe 3-4 months, at most. That was some 40 years ago. We were in love, for a few brief months.
There’s a 1970s song I like and when I hear it, it reminds me of her. So I remember her from time to time. When I hear the song, my wife knows it reminds me of ‘an old girlfriend from college’. That’s all she knows of her, and she doesn’t ask (and she’s never asked me about any former girlfriends), and I don’t expound. My wife is very trusting, and I don’t give her reason to not trust me. I’ve always been faithful to her, just like I was with my first wife, completely faithful. My wife and I are very much in love, after 18 years.
But I can find that former girlfriend. She’s on FB and on LinkedIn. I can draft a brief letter of apology, and include that I’m happily married and have no ulterior motives, and send it as an FB IM.
So is that silly for me to consider, let alone do? If I did it, it would be completely out of the blue. I’m pretty sure she would remember me. It’s possible that she would not remember what I did. But it’s likely she will. It wasn’t a minor thing that I did. Just not terrible. It may have hurt her feelings for a few weeks. I know I’m being vague, sorry.
I tend to agree with @needscoffee. If you’ve had no contact with her for four decades, then it’s entirely possible that she isn’t interested in re-establishing contact. As you note, you’ve found her on Facebook and LinkedIn – which means that, if she wanted to get back in touch with you, she could find you in those places, too.
Even if you have no interest in rekindling anything, she may not realize (or believe) that you aren’t, if you were to contact her after 40 years. Also, even if your wife trusts you completely, she may not entirely appreciate you getting in touch with an old flame.
I understand the feeling that you hurt her, never apologized for that back then, and have had lingering guilt about it. But, it may or may not be an apology that she wants to hear – it may be something that, after all this time, she’s forgotten about. It may also be that she hasn’t forgotten about it, but that the time to apologize has long passed.
My advice is to write down your apology to her, articulate it, and put it away. If she ever reaches out to you, or initiates a conversation, then, depending on how that goes, you might share it with her. Otherwise, there’s a reasonable chance that it will more trouble than it’s worth.
Well, after a decade of guilt eating at me, I tried to apologize to a woman years later, and she did not appreciate it.
I’d been literally praying for an opportunity to “make things right”, and lo and behold, I ran into her (not easy, she’d gotten married and moved overseas). Well, as I started talking to her, it was clear she did NOT want to dredge anything up… and I realized that I’d been wanting to apologize not to help her, but for me.
So I just switched gears and we had a pleasant conversation, and I got to meet hubby.
And in relating normally, without anything from the past overshadowing the conversation, the guilt melted away. I really think just being “normal” with her was the answer to my prayers.
One more ‘don’t do it’. You’re doing to make you feel better, there’s nothing good in it for her. Why risk hurting her twice? To say nothing of possibly hurting your wife. Talk about it with a therapist or a pastor but leave reaching out to her off the table.
I’m going to echo the others who say don’t do it. However… I did it. Though the gap was a mere 20 years.
I had a girlfriend for about two years after high school. When I was 20, I chose alcohol over her. I didn’t admit that to her, or myself, at the time, but that’s what it was.
I finally sobered up when I was in my mid 30s. After being sober for a few years, a mutual friend mentioned that my ex lived in the same area as me. So I found her on Facebook. Now, I was single, and I did have an ulterior motive - “maybe she’s single too…” But really, I wanted to get an apology off my chest first and foremost, and if anything else came of it - bonus! So I wrote her.
That was ten years ago this coming February. It turns out she was, indeed, single. She’s watching TV downstairs right now as I type this.
In general:
Apologies like this tend to be about making YOU feel better, and not really at all about the other person’s feelings.
They may have been perfectly happy to have finally moved on from your (again, the general “you” not specifically O.P.) bullshit and resent having old, healed wounds poked anew.
Something like this happened to me, as in I was the girlfriend from decades earlier who got an apology out of the blue. A high school boyfriend wrote and told me he realized, in retrospect, that he had been kind of an asshole to me and he regretted it.
Did it matter to me? Nah, not really. I’d long since forgotten and moved on. On the one hand, it brought back some unpleasant memories I’d managed to set aside. On the other hand, there was a certain amount of validation in hearing an apology from someone who caused me a lot of tears when I was 17. Overall, kind of a wash.
We did have a couple of nice conversations and an amusing reminiscence or two, so it wasn’t bad that he got in touch. I guess on a scale of -10 to +10, where -10 was horrible, 0 was neutral, and +10 was fabulous, I’d give the whole experience a +1 or +2.
So based on my personal experience, I’d say don’t bother, but if you feel you must, it may work out okay; just don’t expect much.
Another vote for “let it be.” Don’t do anything; if you do, then as was suggested, write it down and stash it.
I rather like Carol’s story. I don’t know how long it was for Carol, but for the girl in the OP’s story, it’s been forty years. She’s long since forgotten (and if she does remember, she doesn’t care any more, and likely holds no grudge), and moved on–she’s an entirely different person now, as we all are, compared to who we were forty years ago.
I think we all have experiences and episodes from our past that we’d like to atone for. But sometimes, they were so long ago, that they no longer matter, to either party. Write it down and stash it, if it makes you feels better. But otherwise, let it be.
Ooh, now this, I hadn’t anticipated this possibility. It’s possible I had hurt her, and if I were to reach out after 40 years, this might happen. And I wouldn’t want that.
I guess my guilt is part of what would be driving my sentiments described in my OP.
Another vote for this having more potential benefit for you than for her; don’t do it. I actually think you’re a good person for thinking of it, and it’s not a terrible idea per se, but the odds are not in your favour, despite some of the happier stories in this thread.
An important part of the 12-Step system in Alcoholics Anonymous is making amends to anyone you have harmed. You need to make a list and then actually make amends…whatever that may be (an apology or more…up to you to figure out).
That said, they are crystal clear that you should NOT do this if doing so might injure the other person (emotionally). If your apology helps both parties then great. Go for it. If the other person wants no part of it then walk away.
Usually, with so much time passed, you’d reach out politely and ask if they are ok with meeting so you can apologize. No more than that. A short note (read that again) asking if they’d be ok with meeting and a talk. If they tell you to f-off then that’s it. Leave it be. If they say it’s ok go from there. Don’t push it…at all. Accept whatever they tell you.
I know this is not an AA thing but I think the procedure is a good guideline.
All of that said I honestly think there is no need for this in this case. Waaaaay old news and of no use to the other person who has long since moved on with her life. I’d just skip it.
That’s it. Don’t save it for later, don’t mail it. Just be done with it.
If you were going to see her for another reason, such as a school reunion, that would be a different story. But in this case? Let the past stay in the past.