Is it silly to reach out after 40 years, out of the blue, to send an apology?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m with those that see no point in “apologizing” after all these years. In fact the worst you did it appears is you didn’t continue contact after going away to school. You found new interests in your youth and that is totally normal. Much the same happened to me on actually more than one occasion (both ways and closer to 50 years ago) and I wouldn’t dream of “apologizing” or expecting an apology.

Had she been “that” interested at the time she likely would have taken the effort to reach out to you as well, apparently that was not the case either.

22

I could go either way on this.

I treated my first husband shabbily at the time that I left him in 1975. I have always felt guilty about it. Fortunately, he went on to marry a wonderful person the following year, and they’re still married-- 45 years.

In 1995-ish I decided to write him a letter apologizing for what I did. He and his wife owned a small business in a town near here. I sent the letter to that address as I couldn’t find a home address. In the letter I apologized and said I wasn’t asking for a reply or for forgiveness as I didn’t think I deserved to be forgiven. But I wanted him to know that I was deeply sorry. I didn’t put a return address on the envelope. I mailed it and that was that. Never heard anything. Didn’t want to or expect to.

So in your case, I could support something similar-- send a physical letter (not any kind of electronic communication) apologizing and letting her know you are now aware of what you did and that you are so sorry, regret it, etc.

But-- and this is the key IMHO-- say you do not want or need a reply. The fact that you’ve told her is enough for you-- you just had to tell her that you are sorry. The way I see it, wanting to know how your apology landed with the other person and needing a reaction from them is where the transaction could go off the rails.

I also think that the suggestions to write a letter and burn it, bury it, etc. would be a perfectly fine way to handle this. Sometimes we just have to live with the old residue of the stuff we messed up on. We can’t always clean up everything.

YMMV.

23

When I feel badly about something I did that is on the lower end of bad, I make a charitable donation to offset the guilt. I was kayaking one time and some trash I hadn’t properly secured ended up in the river; I couldn’t get it all, so when I went home, I gave $20 to the Friends of the Shenandoah River.

If she had a cause that was important to her, give some money to it as a way of making amends. Don’t make a donation in her name, or anything. Just do something positive and move on.

24

Heh, I had someone text me 30 years after-the-fact for this very purpose. I told her to go have a drink and to leave me alone, then I blocked her.

I suggest the OP forget about it and stop looking her up on Facebook.

25

OP has his answer.

Just here to add that social networks have done more to exploit people’s inabilities to just let that fucking shit go already than the damage caused by Russian election interference. Remember when the past just stayed where it belonged? Stop googling it up, FCS.

26

I participated in my college reunion in a way that made my email address very public to my college classmates. I got an email from someone whose name I didn’t recognize apologizing for “what he did to me” when we were in college. I have no idea who it was, or what he did that he felt he needed to apologize for.

I wrestled with how to respond, and decided to write back and thank him for apologizing, and say it was water under the bridge.

I still have no idea what I accepted an apology for, but I figure that response might have made him feel a little better.

I suppose an ex will probably at least recognize your name. But I doubt she’s sitting around wishing you apologize.

27

All great advice here.

I think it’s important to remember that the person you’re wanting to apologize to is really that 40-year-younger person. You have no idea if today, 40 years later, she cares or even remembers, but you know that if you could have apologized then it might have meant something. You can never make it right with that person in the past; that moment is gone.

QFT

28

Ah, the Bill W. loophole. He really needed an excuse for not telling his wife about his profligate adultery.

As for my general response to the OP, I’m viewing this conversation with a lot of cynicism. I don’t think the OP is being honest with himself. I’m not sure he knows what he really wants. He claims -at length- to be happily married but happily married men shouldn’t make gestures towards old girlfriends that could easily be misinterpreted.

Just think of all the ways this could go south.

What if she’s not happy and interprets your apology as an advance? How would you react? Would you go out and meet her “just once” so you could let her down easy? That’s how these things start, you know.

Or would you tell her about how perfect your marriage is? Ex-girlfriends really don’t like it when you contact them out of the blue to gush about your awesome relationship.

What if you find out that whatever “thing” you did to her had long lasting negative repercussions? What if she simply refuses to forgive you? What if you rekindle her anger and she decides to get a little revenge? Would the “thing” that you did hurt your marriage or career if it were revealed?

A man I dated in my early twenties, 40 years ago, is a Facebook friend of mine. We comment on each other’s posts, mostly political stuff. We have never had any personal exchange and certainly not one recalling our youthful relationship.

While I could see him feeling like he owes me an apology or three, if he contacted me with such an apology I’d assume I was being hit on. And I might take him up on it ( once for old times sake) I’m single -even if he’s not- he’s still attractive and he always had special talents.

And if he made that contact and then started gushing about how happy he and Margaret were, I’d be seriously freaking pissed off.

But I was never one for that “let’s be friends” crap and I’ve told many an ex that I had no interest in being their friend.

29

I did a similar thing today. At my 10 year high school reunion I bailed up a guy that bullied me and unleashed on him, detailed the body issues I dealt with because of him and very unkindly criticised his body as he had become obese.

We have a mutual friend who is terminal and there is a possibility that we may both visit him on the same shift.

I sent him a message on Facebook where I unreservedly apologised for my awful behavior and asked that we could be friends in front of our dying friend. I told him that if he feels the need to give me a verbal smackdown in return that we could go somewhere private and that I will listen to him and deserve anything he may want to say.

He responded kindly and I if we do end up on the same visiting shift I will give him another offer to tell me that I was out of line.

My advice is, if you think it could make her feel better, then reach out, but don’t rake over the coals to alleviate your own guilt.

30

Of course you’re welcome to speculate as much as you want.

Enjoy that.

31

First, Bells, welcome to the straight dope! We hope you enjoy your stay.

I’ll concede that at a subconscious level there may be some need to alleviate my own guilt, but my intent would be purely to apologize. I believe she will remember what I am referring to, and I also believe there is a decent chance she was hurt by what I did and also that she’ll remember what I did. I believe there’s a good chance that my apology will help in a very small and a very late way.

But from this thread I see that many are saying don’t do it, especially now after forty long years. And I tend to agree.

Thanks again, Bells.

32

Hell no! And quit stalking her social media. I also think they’d think you’re ‘making amends’ from some 12 step bullshit program.

They really have moved on from a college fling by now. There’s millions of relationships that don’t last in college for a variety of reasons.

33

Another vote for writing it all down. But rather than stashing it away under the mattress, may I suggest a perhaps more therapeutic ritual?

I once heard a story about how Alaskan natives would “cleanse” themselves of their misdeeds. They would go to the nearest river and explain to the river their transgressions and atone for them. The spirit of the river would then take their guilt and carry it away. A more modern version of this involves writing letters, explaining what the writer was atoning for and then letting the river carry away the letter.

This has some precedence, of course. According to biblical lore, nomadic Jews would find a sufficiently expendable goat, symbolically place their misdeeds on the goat, turn it out to the desert and, after giving it a swift kick in the ass, watch as the goat carried their sins away. This gives us the word “scapegoat.”

Obviously these rituals have much in common with other acts of penance, such as Catholic confession.

I’ve actually done the letter thing. Someone many years caused me a great deal of pain, and I finally had to cut off all times with them. I wrote them a long letter – by hand --, explaining why I used to hate them, why I still didn’t understand why they did what they did, and while I didn’t necessarily forgive them, I would no longer allow myself to hate them or let their actions weigh me down. I made sure not to use names on the miniscule chance someone might actually read it, and then I sealed the letter in an envelope and dropped it at the confluence of the Willamette and Columbia rivers.

Hokey, for sure. But it worked. I felt much better afterward, and rarely thought about the events in the letter afterward.

Now in my case, I wasn’t the guilty party but rather the victim. I’m not sure how well it would work if the roles had been reversed. But I still believe it would’ve been quite therapeutic. So. Write her the letter, but think about sending it off to parts unknown via the local river. If that seems too ritualistic, burn it in the BBQ or the kitchen sink. But put it out there, into the ether. The whole process may prove quite therapeutic.

On edit, I see some of this has been suggested already. Just add me to chorus. That’ll teach me to skim before posting. Or not.

34

I also say don’t contact her. One other reason being that if you don’t know what her current relationship is, it might cause someone to become violent towards her if they find out.

The Covid crisis has caused domestic voilence to soar, and some people don’t need much of a reason. Especially since your reason to contact her is pretty much about your feelings more than hers. No offense intended.

35

This reminds me of something that happened probably 2 decades ago…

Many years ago – I was barely out of my teens, I’m sure – I was standing in a checkout line at the grocery store. Out of the blue this middle-aged woman approaches me and starts apologizing profusely for “what she did to me the other day in the car.”

I had no clue who this woman was. I had no clue what she was talking about. The only thing I had ever done in a car was drive. So I just kind of stared at her as she was repeating… and repeating… her apology.

So I finally asked her what she was talking about. She said that she had taken out her road rage on me a few days earlier, screaming obscenities at me and flipping me off and and and…

I’m pretty sure she had the wrong guy. But I just mumbled something about it was totally ok, all but forgotten, thank you so much ok bye. She went back to shopping and I never saw her again.

It was very bizzare. And I’ve always wondered who the poor sap was that actually got the brunt of her fury that day.

36

A search is not stalking.

37

@Lancia wow that is a bizarre scene, and a bizarre case of mistaken identity. In my case, the identities aren’t mistaken. And it wasn’t just the other day, it was just back in 1980. :slight_smile:

38

So 40 years on, what is it that you wanted to achieve by doing this? It sounds like you realize it’s a bad idea and you won’t go through with it. But when you were considering it, what reaction did you hope for and what did you need to get out of it? I’m curious about why someone might want to reach back that far.

39

Pretty much what I said in the OP. To let her know that I am sorry for hurting her, and also to express that I hope she and her family are well, and to thank her for her friendship, her kindness, and her love that I did not treat very well back then. And also to be clear that I am very much in love and committed to my wife, and that my apology is a pure sentiment, no strings attached.

This is consistent with my OP, and that’s pretty much it.

40

Agreed. Oh, and that beer looks mighty tastey. :sunglasses: