Some years ago I broke up with a girlfriend. I won’t go into details, except to say I was a true ***hole about it. It’s one of the actions in my life I most regret because I really behaved poorly, and she didn’t deserve what happened.
My question is, if you were the girl in this situation would want to receive an apology?
Some time has gone by, and we’ve had no contact. Needless to say, she was angry beyond description at the time. I don’t know what her life situation is now, or even if she’s living in the same place. I just have her email address, which has probably stayed with her.
I’d like to apologize to her, but only if it would be a positive thing for her to receive it. I’m not looking to be forgiven (I don’t deserve it, frankly). And I certainly don’t want to reopen old wounds for her by getting in touch, even if it were just to say I’m sorry. But I wonder if she might, on some level, want to hear me say I was wrong, I’m sorry, and that it shouldn’t have happened to her.
What do you think I should do? Belated apology, or just leave it alone?
Did you cheat on her and get caught bare-assed, then laugh and tell her it was because she was too fat and ugly? Or did you quit returning/answering her calls without an explanation? Or some other situation? I can’t put myself in your ex’s shoes if I don’t know what the shoes exactly are. I can only give an opinion if I know the specific gradation of “asshole” that you were.
I was that girl (apology made 6 months after we broke up b/c his parents couldn’t abide the thought of an inter-caste marriage to someone from a different part of India) and I was highly irritated. He had tried to get back together with me twice after the breakup (the bargain was a no-commitment relationship till his arranged marriage) and then sent me a highly condescending apology note just a few months ago that demanded my friendship. I deleted it and never wrote back-frankly it just stirred up old memories of rejection and anger and it pisses me off that he wanders in and out of my life demanding various things from me like frienship and no-commitment relationships. I have since blocked him from my email account. I refuse to write back because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my irritation.
It doesn’t seem like some of these facts are present in your situation and that more time has gone by, but I don’t think there’s any clear answer that anyone here can give you. Depending on how she’s changed/dealt with what happened she’ll either shrug it off as further evidence of what she perceives as your crappy personality (my situation) or she’ll appreciate it. I just hope you don’t pin too many hopes on her response. I mean, she could also go crazy and start flooding you with nasty emails and crap.
As you know, no one can predict how she will react.
But.
If you’re going to apologize, my suggestion is to keep it short and not too detailed. She knows what transpired and really, since it’s been a matter of years since you last talked to each other, it’s very likely she’s moved on and could even be married with a kid by now. Who knows. A simple “No agenda or expectation of reply, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the complete twad that I was to you back then; I hope you are doing well” would suffice for me (if I were that girl). Anything more would probably bring back ill feelings.
Of course, as someone has already said, she may still be harboring bitterness and unleash unholy electronic hell at you.
I was that guy. I sent a letter months later. Don’t know if she got it or not, and haven’t seen her since we broke up. In hindsight, frankly, it was pretty arrogant of me to think that my making a sincere apology would make a lick of difference one way or another.
I’d skip it, but remember what you did and how you felt afterwards, and don’t let yourself get put in this position again.
As a guy who was totally screwed over by a former girlfriend (cheating + dumping me for the guy to end our 5-year relationship), I think writing the letter is worthwhile. It’s been 3 years, but it would do me considerable good to hear something from my ex. Such is probably not forthcoming.
If you write the apology, make it sincere and agenda free. Don’t fish for anything from her. Don’t taint your apology with hints at things you blame her for. Keep it simple, keep it honest, keep it about what you did wrong without going into too many specifics. Good luck!
I’d go with InTransit’s advice, with a few more specific rules:
It’s an apology: “I am sorry that I hurt you” (or however you wish to say it). You should not do this if you are seeking forgiveness. No “Can you ever forgive me?” or even “I hope that someday you can forgive me.”
Simply, “I am sorry.”
It is not an attempt to reconcile or get back together. Therefore, references to her current life are out. No “I hope you have gotten past the pain” or “I hope you can find a better companion” or even “I hope you are doing well.” Nothing to indicate that your communication is fishing for information–just the apology.
No rationalizations (or even legitimate reasons). An apology should never be sullied by an explanation.
You might include the reason why you now realize how badly you hurt her, provided that the statement does not violate any of the previous rules. (And do NOT do this if the pain was blindingly obvious to everyone at the time.)
I was that girl, too, and when my ex contacted me, casually asking if I was going out with anyone and asking if I still felt like moving to the East Coast (the original plan was that I’d move to NY, and he’d eventually ask me to marry him; instead, he dumped me and moved back by himself), I was ecstatic to tell him that I was engaged.
When he broke up with me before moving to NY, he said that before he asked me to marry him he wanted to make sure I was “the one,” which, given the way he said it, was code for “Before I decide to settle for you, I want to fuck as many women as possible to find out if you’re it. If you are, I’ll come back because I know you’ll be waiting.” Needless to say that, after his messages, I was thrilled to have my own version of revenge.
It’s a tough call about the apology, but it sounds like there’s a possibility that you might be doing it just for your own conscience (though I could be completely mistaken, and you may be doing it for completely altruistic reasons). Regardless of your reasons, keep in mind that if you do apologize, your girlfriend might
a) have completely forgotten about you and be confused as to who you are and why you’re bothering to apologize
b) think you’re probably trying to get her back and possibly delight in telling you in no uncertain terms to just piss off
c) appreciate that you realized you hurt her and thank you for apologizing.
Whatever you decide and whatever your reasons, good luck to you. I truly hope you’re in a point in your own life where you’re happy and secure.
A while back I wrote my ex, high school and college sweetie and all that, we hadn’t talked in 5 years. We got together for lunch while we were both in the same part of the country. Anyways, I had been a jackass back when I was young and thought that I knew everything. I got to listen to 3 hours of how she blamed everything that had happened in the past five years on me, I nodded politely and appologized for the two things she said I did that she could never forgive (I didn’t even know what she was talking about, it was really stupid stuff).
Anyway, she said she was really happy that I appologized for being an asshole, it seemed to make her day. However she never appologized for turning into the snottiest, whiniest, complaining about everything bitch in the entire world. I also didn’t bring it up.
I’d say write a letter, won’t hurt you, and if you make it clear your apologizing because you feel bad not because you want some of that again, then it couldn’t hurt. A few “hope your happys”, etc… wouldn’t hurt.
I know my ex has access to my email address, but considering the nature of my dumping, I doubt he has the balls to use it. If he did…I don’t know. It’s been over a year, and I sure as heck would like to see him admit that he was a total wussy mama’s boy (long story short, his mom officially disapproved of me so he dumped me in favor of her) but the fact that he was leads me to believe I’ll never hear a word from him again.
Which, in the grand scheme of things, is okay. I’d rather silence than an attempt to get back together. What he did hurt me more than I could ever say. I wouldn’t want to hear anything beyond “I’m sorry I was such an idiot. I’m really really sorry I was such an idiot. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
You have NO idea how I’d love to be able to tell him, “Oh, I’m engaged, and his mom just ADORES me!”
I fthere’s no chance of ever seeing her again, I’d let that puppy stay asleep. No sense in re-hashing old wounds, no matter how good your intentions are.
But, if you see each other in social situations occasionally, I’d go ahead and clear the air. I’m sure she’d appreciate it, and you’d probably feel better about yourself, since obviously this is bugging you. Piece of mind and whatnot, y’know.
If you really really hurt her, she might have fought very hard to move on and get over you. Popping back into her life with an apology might send her a few steps back. I guess it depends on what you did to her, how close you were, and what kind of person she is. Was she over you in two weeks after Ben and Jerry’s and sad movies? Or did she need pills and therapy? If you think your reappearance in her life might hurt her again, then stay away.
I can think of one ex who, if I saw his name pop up in my e-mail, would definitely send me into a bad-memories spiral. But then, after the initial shock of it, I’d probably really like to see that apology. Even if it’s only to gloat afterwards, knowing that the bastard was eventually torn up by his guilt like I knew he’d be.
But if you do decide to e-mail her, be fully prepared for the possibility of a very hate-filled response. Or no response at all.
Personally, I am a huge fan of sincere contrition when wrong has been done–as both the giver and the recipient. However, it’s tough to render an apology that doesn’t wind up sounding conditional or self-serving or half-assed or trying to get back together.
I think the safest route is “Upon much reflection, I realize that I treated you very unfairly and horribly. I want you to know that I fully acknowledge the wrongs I have done to you and want to offer you my deepest, most sincere apology. I am so sorry for hurting you. Thank you for even reading this.”
That’s it. That’s all I’d say. It is the right thing to apologize if you are sincerely sorry and expect nothing else to ever come of it. Good luck.
I broke up with a guy for my own selfish reasons. Many years later I wrote him a letter apologizing for my jerkiness and it resulted in a comfortable friendship.
I’ve recently had an ex apologize to me about his assholish-ness. I accepted it but still don’t like being around him. Unfortunately our social life throws us together all too often.
As long as the apology is sincere and not just aiming to get back into the person’s life, I think it’s a perfectly fine idea.
I’ve received a couple of apologies out of the blue from former friends, and they were very welcome. They helped put to rest a lingering sense of hurt and betrayal. After many years, the acknowledgement from them that “I was wrong and what I did to you was bad and I am very sorry for that” came as a welcome surprise and helped me to finally put the past behind me and move on.
