I have two exes that I could theoretically get an apology like this from someday. One was with a pretty good guy who wasn’t as considerate of my feelings as he should have been near the end of the relationship. The other (first guy I dated, ugh.) was basically Zabali_Clawbane’s ex-boyfriend with slightly more manners and considerably less arm strength, luckily for me.
If I got an apology from the first, I’d be pleasantly surprised, use the opportunity to ask a couple things I’ve always wondered about the end of that relationship, and think much better of him. If I got an apology from the second, I’d probably start hyperventilating and completely freak out for a couple of days.
My boyfriend cheated on me and dumped me after a very confusing, two year long, on again-off again, pseudo relationship.
He married the woman he dumped me for last year.
He was a real ass about leaving me. I would looooove an apology. Unfortunatley, that probably won’t happen.
That rejection still hurts me to this day. Your rejection probably still hurts her. I felt worthless after what he did to me, and it sucks to know that he probably still thinks I am worthless. Anyway, a quick “I was an asshole, you are a wonderful person and deserved muuuuch better” won’t hurt. I’d love to hear it.
My first thought was - she’ll have moved on. She probably won’t be happy to see an e-mail from you in her in-box. However, upon thinking about it some more, I realised I’d like an apology from an ex. So I think you should go for it.
My husband’s first ex (who happens to be my best friend) apologized to my husband a few years ago. He accepted it graciously. I think it’s a good idea.
I’ll respectfully disagree. (Though it depends on the particulars of the situation, of course.)
An ex-boyfriend was a real jerk to me in college. That was over a decade ago. A short sincere apology would be most welcome. It would turn him from “one of the few people in this world that I bear any kind of a grudge against” to “old college friend.” I highly doubt I’ll ever see him again, and I certainly don’t want to, but I’d really rather think kindly about people in my past.
In other words, it wouldn’t excuse what he did when he was 20, but it would let me know that he’s a better person NOW, at the age of 32. And that would make me feel happy. And FWIW, I’d probably send a short response thanking him and telling him I was up to.
I was that girl. He wrote me an email four years after our breakup (with no contact in between) to apologize for his actions. I did appreciate the apology, even though it stirred up old unhappy emotions. What I appreciated the most was that it seemed to stir up those emotions for the last time. I was finally able to remember how hurt I had been without feeling the hurt, because I knew that my ex didn’t hold me in the contempt he’d displayed when he dumped me. I accepted his apology and indicated that I’d rather not hear from him again.
This reminds me that I have already made such plans but have yet to follow through on them. I should probably start writing that letter, because I know it’s going to take at least a week for me to shape the 2-3 paragraphs into something I’m even remotely happy with.
I hate linking to a thread I started, but here are the details if any of you are interested.
If it were me I’d probably write the apology expecting no reply. I’m the sort who tends to run into everyone I know while out and about. To perhaps stem off a nasty public situation I’d send the apology, if it was genuine. You never know who you will run into on the street. Or in a job interview.
I was That Girl and I have been able to move on with my life (with therapy and effort). I haven’t had contact with him for almost 3 years and there’s no chance of ever seeing him again. If I got an email out of the blue with an apology from him that would not help. A lot of bitterness and issues would be dredged up. Also, I blocked his email from my account. So, I think you should let sleeping dogs lie.
I don’t think that writing an email to her would necessarily be a bad idea. But, in your own mind, I think you should sort out who you’re doing this for. Is it for her because you think that she might gain comfort from hearing that you now know you wronged her? Or is it really for you: to ease your own guilty conscience?
Not knowing the exact details, it’s hard for me to say, but I think that if you’re just going to do it to make yourself feel better, don’t do it.
However, if you want to do it because you think it would do her a lot of good to hear an apology, write something short and to the point. Make it clear that you are not trying to reestablish contact or unnecessarily bring up painful memories.
I’d write something along the lines of: “[insert brief description of whatever transpired here] was one of the lowest points of my life. I know that it doesn’t make up for the hurt that I caused you then, but I want you to know that I realize I acted like a total arse, and it’s one of the things in my history that I feel the worst about. All I want to say is this: I’m sincerely sorry.”
First, I intentionally haven’t read the other responses because I don’t want to be swayed by others’ thoughts.
Second, I’m female.
Third, I’ve spent more time than I ever intended trying to explain Difficult Topics (like “women” to guys.
Fourth, I assume that “should I apologize” is a sincere question, and not a random thread-starter.
All that said: It’s all well and good that you realize you were an **shole. It’s all well and good that you’d like to apologize. So what?
For most guys, an apology makes them feel better about themselves. Will your apology make her feel better?
Are you sure?
If you’re not positive that SHE cares about your apology, keep it to yourself. If you’re right, and you really were an **hole, learn from it, live with it… and assume that she’s gotten over it. And you.
(Hitting “submit” and now reading the other responses…)
I dumped my high school boyfriend after I went off to college and we “grew apart.”
He did not take it well.
Even though I knew he was over-reacting and being a dick, I always felt terrible for hurting his feelings so badly.
Years later, he found my email address and sent me an apology. It was cool. We got caught up about what we were doing with our lives, then drifted apart.
He did it the right way: just sent the apology, and didn’t act like he expected anything from me in return. I was comfortable with writing back to see how he was doing.
I don’t get an oogy feeling when I think about him any more because I know that he forgives me for hurting his feelings.
When I received the letter, I thought (as it really wasn’t in his writing style at all), “Apparently he’s getting some counselling, and someone has advised him to send a simple apology. Well, good–maybe they’ll also convince him to leave people THE HELL ALONE when they ask him to.”
Overall, I’d call it a neutral experience. It didn’t convince me that he had really understood anything about what he had done, but it made me think he was moving forward in a new life somewhere. It helps that I haven’t heard from him in the eight years or so since then.
