Should I apologize, and if so, how?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Normally, I have no problem admitting that I have been wrong, especially when it’s hurt someone else, and thus apologizing. I try to be very conscientious about this sort of thing.

In this case, the circumstances are a little different, and very complicated. In 2008, I sent an email to my former middle-school English teacher, whom I will call Kate. Kate was very helpful and supportive of me during my difficult undergraduate years (2000-2004), and I feel like I owe a lot to her. Unfortunately, I had some tough times after college as well, and in 2008 I was at a severe low point. My mental and physical health (and appearance) were all suffering, I felt like I was indirectly killing my father, and I was seriously considering traveling to San Francisco and jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was researching details of insurance policies, hoping I would not leave my family in the lurch (I assumed they would get over my suicide, but being cheated out of my insurance policy was unthinkable! I already planned to leave them my then-considerable life’s savings.) Yeah, I was in awful shape.

Thus, when I started writing to Kate, my addled mental state spilled all over the keyboard and into Kate’s inbox. It’s pathetic, rambling stuff, and the upshot is that Kate took it as me blaming her for all the things that had gone wrong in my life. Although that’s not exactly what I wrote, I still deeply regret writing it, and would apologize in a heartbeat, except for some complications. I had no idea that Kate took it as anything other than a depressed mess until her niece “Renata” (someone very dear to me, and probably the soon-to-be subject of another thread) informed me about how deeply I had hurt Kate. I felt awful, but I’m not sure that Renata was really supposed to tell me about it at all. I saw Kate again for the first time in about a decade last weekend, when I visited Renata, and Renata told me that she was told by Aunt Kate that Kate only wanted to see me if I had forgotten all about that nasty-gram. I had not; indeed, Renata and I had discussed it, and I wanted to see Kate and be friendly as a way of making amends!

I thought our meeting went well, but actually I apparently talked too much about myself and never really asked Kate how she was doing lately. I was really distracted with family turmoil, and plus I thought Kate didn’t want to talk about her most salient professional concerns, but I still feel like a jerk. I wanted to apologize for the email before, now I really want to.

**So I plan to tell Kate the truth, but not the whole truth: I was looking through my old emails to see if I had Kate’s personal (non-work) email address, and in doing so I found that awful email I had sent. I’m ashamed of it now, I and I wholeheartedly and thoroughly apologize.
**
That’s all technically true, but it leaves out the details about Renata (whom I cannot reach at the moment, see the other thread, assuming I write it, where I Pit the two of us) telling me about it a while back. Is it still the right thing to do? What would you do?

Thanks very much.

2

Sounds like she was creeped out by what you wrote. She’ll likely accept your apology, but you’re likely always going to be “creepy person” to her. You can forget about your relationship ever going back to what it was before. It’s unfortunate, but people can’t (and shouldn’t) get over everything.

Frankly, the fact that you’ve been ruminating over this for so long strongly suggests that she has good reason to avoid contact. An emotionally fragile middle school student is one thing. But it is a serious warning flag in an adult.

My guess that Renata is as open with her aunt as she is with you. So Kate probably already knows that you feel bad about the email and that Renata knows and that you know that Renata knows. So there probably isn’t any need to say anything directly to her.

3

It’s hard to say. Are you male? Maybe that shouldn’t matter but what appears to be a unstable guy sometimes is more scary to a woman than an apparent unstable woman.

I’d take the advice of her nice and pretend it didn’t happen for now.

In situations like this you have to ask yourself - are you apologizing for her - or yourself?

4

Don’t try to ‘explain everything’, or you’ll just make it all about you all over again.

If you feel there is a genuine need to try to make amends, keep it simple, short and non-demanding - admit you were a jerk say you’re very sorry. And be prepared to leave it at that forever, if necessary.

5

I’m generally pro-communication on any subject. I don’t see how apologizing could make the situation worse. If someone had hurt me that way and genuinely regretted it, I would welcome an apology.

I can sort of relate because I did some dumb things due to depression in my life too. Hang in there.

6

If I am parsing the dates and terms correctly, Kate was your teacher about 20 years ago? And you are about 32 now? Are you from a really small town, or are your families close, or what? Because I think this is a really rare situation. Is there any more to that side of the story that might be relevant?

But assuming there is nothing more to the story, you already have your answer. Kate only wanted to see you if you have forgotten about the “nastygram” you wrote, as you put it. She doesn’t want an apology, she does not want to discuss it, she wants to forget it.

So give her what she wants, and let it go. Trust her to know you were in a bad situation psychologically six years ago. She’s not hoping for an apology, she doesn’t want an apology, and she did not make meeting you contingent on an apology. Be “friendly and make amends” by not bringing up six-year-old awkward unpleasantness that was the product of a psychologically difficult time in your life.

7

It was more hurtful than creepy, according to Renata.

I wasn’t ruminating over it at all until recently, when Renata told me how hurtful it was.

Maybe, but it’s the principle of the thing.

I am male, but I want to apologize to show the remorse that I feel.

We were in touch regularly through my undergraduate years, in part due to my relationship with Renata.

Sure, but see what I wrote earlier about the principle of the thing, especially after the meeting didn’t go as well as it should have.

8

nm

9

Do you want to apologize to make Kate feel better, or do you want to apologize to make yourself feel better? I think it is the latter, and all you are going to end up doing is digging yourself deeper.

From your post, it seems to me that you have improved a lot, but are still dealing with some of the fallout of your depression, and may not be up to 100% yet. Give yourself some time before you start trying to right the wrongs. You need some distance and time to be able to approach things like this contructively.

I know it’s frustrating to have a friendship turn out like this, but sometimes that’s what happens. Just ask anyone who has ever had a breakup. Cherish your good memories (which are still there, and still valuable,) try to learn from your misteps, and focus on moving on.

10

I want to make Kate feel better. Based on all that Renata told me, my actions hurt Kate’s feelings considerably. I want to take responsibility for it, which I think will make Kate feel better. If that makes Kate feel better, it will make me feel better. In the words of your post, it is only the latter because of the former.

I’m much less depressed than I was, definitely. At the moment, I’m scared that I might be slipping, due partially to this situation with Kate but largely on the possibility of losing Renata, for a related reason. I really care about these folks, and I know they care about me, but my poor social skills led to me hurting them, and that (and the loss) is really freaking me out tonight.

11

You’ve gone a decade with no interaction with this woman and you’re THIS worked up about a nastygram you wrote way back when?

There is absolutely NO WAY you can dissect this and call it normal.

For your own sake, and Kate’s, stay away.

And seek counseling.

12

I regret hurting someone who had helped me so much. Is there a statute of limitations on that? Since sending the email in 2008 and getting no response, I figured Kate was just unwilling to engage with my pathetic moping, but then I learned that the truth was uglier. I’m already in counseling, but I don’t have an appointment until Friday.

13

Sounds to me like your original mistake was going on and on and saying too much. Looks to me like you are in danger of repeating that if you carry on with this apology thing.

Here is my suggestion: “I deeply regret hurting someone who had helped me so much. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

End. Stop. Then never mention it again ever, to anyone.

14

Here’s the thing, Kate isn’t hurting anymore. Assuming she’s a stable person, she stopped hurting 9½ years ago. You’re obsessing way too much over this. And you bringing this up again after all these years is just making things very awkward for her.

You care about this woman right? Well, then STOP making her feel uncomfortable! If you continue on this path, it just goes to show this is more about you and how you can satiate your own selfish needs.

Don’t be that guy.

15

Bingo. Well said.

16

I would like to think that time could certainly heal something like that. I considered apologizing because it came up again, in relation to our meeting in person. I originally didn’t want to apologize, instead I just wanted to move along in a positive way until we all forget about it. Recent events have made me reconsider, which is why I asked on this message board. You agree with my original position, and I see your point, though I am still second-guessing.

17

Nm

18

Dear Kate,
It was lovely to see you last weekend after such a long time.
Catching up with you reminded me of a very shameful email I sent you many years ago. I was in a very bad mental state at the time and did not express myself at all well. I would like to apologise to you for that email, which I should never have sent to you.
I hope that we can catch up again in the near future and would love to hear how you are doing.
Kind regards,
Lemmytheseal2

19

I also think a brief note like some of the examples above would better than a personal visit. Let her invite the visit, if the visit’s going to happen.

20

Lenny, you seem anxious right now about a lot of things, and want “do something” RIGHT NOW to resolve that anxiety. I can understand that feeling.

But this isn’t about Kate. It’s not about Renata. This really is that this is about you, and the anxiety that is building up in you due to your meeting with Kate and Renata. There is no reason to rush to action, except your own anxiety and repetitive thought patterns.

Reaching out now will harm your relationships further. Reaching out when you are this agitated is not a good idea. Just trust me on this one. You need to wait until you can approach this without so much emotion. Work with your therapist to find the right time.