You’re right. I am extremely anxious, primarily about Renata (as indicated in the other thread), but also because it seems I’ve continued to offend Kate. There is some overlap there. I absolutely want to find something to do right now to get a response from Renata (and perhaps Kate), anything that would demonstrate to me that we are still friends, and that things will be fine for us from now on.
I am really scared, and want to nip it in the bud. You’re right, I recognize that I probably shouldn’t reach out any more right now. Most (but not all) of the advice I have gotten echoes this. I have to wait until I at least have something new to say, to either one of them.
I was on the phone with a crisis line last night. No, I’m not in any personal danger, but I’m going stir-crazy.
Back my senior year in college I was in a bad place mentally. And I was a complete and utter jerk to a lot of people around me, particularly this one girl who had been a close friend until I pushed her away with my actions.
So about a year maybe two years later I’m back home and at work and in a much better place. And I realize just how badly I’d treated this girl who was supposed to be my friend. I knew she was in law school so I looked her up and sent her an e-mail apologizing for my actions. It was fairly long, I don’t really remember all of it, but the gist was that I was a jerk and I’m really sorry for what I’d done to ruin our friendship.
She did respond. It was something along the lines of “It’s cool. Thanks for the e-mail. We all need to get things off our chests.” Which at the time I thought was a bit strange because what I was looking for was for us to be friends again. But I didn’t push the issue.
A year or so later, I’m up in Chicago where I know she’s working and leave her a message saying I’m here and I’d love to hang out. No response. In fact, I’ve never talked to her again. We never became friends again. There’s no “happy ending” to this chapter in my life. It’s been probably like 15 years since saw her.
The thing you need to realize, Lemmytheseal2, the thing you won’t realize until you’ve had the time and distance to reflect upon it, is that an apology isn’t about you. It’s not a time to hash up old issues, delve into who’s right and who’s wrong or do anything that unburdens your soul. It’s not about making YOU feel better. An apology isn’t about you.
It’s not up to you whether she accepts it or not and it’s certainly not up to you whether she ever wants to see you again. Don’t expect it. Don’t go in with the hopes of it. Don’t say “maybe if I include just one more rationalization, she’ll understand my actions and we can go back to being friends.”
I guess the bottom line is this: apologize if you believe it’s the right thing to do (and it sounds like you do). But if you do, apologize and be fully prepared that that’s the last you’ll ever hear from her. Because it may be, and that should still be ok.
Sit down and hand write Kate a letter and tell her you were an idiot for sending her that type of an e-mail and ask for her forgiveness. Then, keep your distance from her and give her some breathing room. If she wants any type of a friendly relationship with you in time she will come around. If not, let it go.
If you could reach Renata, I’d tell her “It would be best if we all forgot about that nastygram. My head was in a bad space. It wasn’t even intended to be a nastygram but obviously I goofed on that level as well as many others. I have nothing but the kindest and most appreciative feelings towards your aunt, and always have.”
As it is, you could just say “Looking for something else, I came across an email I sent you long ago. Wow, what was I thinking? It didn’t even convey the deep appreciation I’ve always had for your part in my life. Anyway, please accept my deepest apologies!”
Keep it short, heartfelt, and simple. Omit any kind of explanation or details. End with hoping that she’s doing well, and turn the conversation to HER, away from yourself. And you could add “Give my best regards to Renata, with whom I’ve lost touch.” (Don’t ask for contact info. Let them figure out whether to do that.)
Lots of good advice here. I’ll just add that your OP mentions being conscientious about apologizing, meaning there’s an obligation to deliver an apology when you owe one. I think you owe Kate (and maybe Renata) space and not bothering them, and this obligation is bigger than the first one. I also think you’re not likely to do a good enough job sending an apology (and just an apology), so it won’t actually be much of a gift anyway. even sven and Enderw24 are really on to something.
Good luck. Take good care of yourself. Practice breathing, be patient, and get help where you can.
He already pointed out that he only thought about it because the niece brought it up. And he admitted to recovering from depression and thus is likely already getting professional help.
The idea that she has moved on is not corroborated by the fact that one of her niece thought to bring it up as something that is still hurting her. Yes, maybe the niece is the one with the problem, or is being overly cautious. But acting like the OP is crazy because he believes the friend and started thinking about it again is ridiculous.
I’ve understood “advice” of this nature, anyways. The dude is clearly beating himself up. Giving him another reason to be upset at himself doesn’t help.
Now for my advice: Given the information in the OP, she doesn’t want an apology. She wants to pretend it never happened. Making amends is not possible because the situation is closed. She hasn’t forgotten, she may or may not have forgiven. But, as far as she is concerned, there is nothing to talk about.
Normally I’m all about apologies for stuff like this. But when she has someone tell you that she only wants to see you if you forgotten about it, she’s pretty much told you what you need to know. She doesn’t want to discuss it.
As for the anxiety, all I can suggest is to de-catastrophize. The only way to deal with it is to realize that, if your worst-case scenario happens, and they don’t want to be friends again, life will go on. You will be fine. It’s not the end of the world.