She apologized, sort of, so now what?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I think I already know the answer to my question, but I’m going to ask anyway. Mostly, I just want to articulate my thoughts and feelings so I can clarify my own opinion, but if anybody has thoughts or advice, fire away. In this thread I talked about my cousin, her penchant for calling me by Dr.J’s name, and the fallout from my asking her not to do that any more. After that thread died, I sent her an e-mail telling her that I’d apologized several times, and I wasn’t apologizing any more. She could take it or leave it. She left it…until tonight.

She sent me an email sort of kind of apologizing for upsetting me with the card, saying she’s sorry the card upset me, she’s sorry I took things she said the wrong way, that she misses me and wants us to be friends again, that she’s sorry it took her so long to be the first one to apologize. Not a word about all the names she called me. (I guess she’s not sorry about them, or maybe they’re part of the stuff I took the wrong way.) No acknowledgement of the fact that I apologized back in December. Not a word about asking me why I’d even gotten married in the first place if I didn’t want my name attached to his.

Essentially, the only thing she’s willing to take responsibility for is the thing I care least about. Yeah, it drives me batshit when people do stuff they know good and well irritates me, but as long as she quits doing it, it’s all good with or without an apology. The name-calling bothered me a lot more. The refusal to acknowledge my apologies (I’m not talking about not accepting the apology, I’m talking about not even admitting that an apology was offered) bothered me even more. The crack about my marriage bothered me most of all. That stuff, she seems to want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

So now I’m confused about what to do. My first impulse is just ignore it. My second impulse is to call and ask her which friend she’s suddenly fighting with to prompt this half-assed apology out of the blue. My third impulse is to write her and tell her that I accept her apology, but I’m not interested in renewing ties. My fourth impulse is to write and tell her to stuff her apology where the sun don’t shine, so that if it can’t be whole-assed, it can at least be ass-holed. My fifth impulse is to tell her that we can try it again, if she’s willing to shit-can the whole drama-queen crapola.

If this whole thing was an isolated incident, I’d know what to do. But it’s not. It’s just the latest and largest of an 18-year string of such incidents, and I’m really, really tired of this little routine. I just don’t have the energy or the inclination to go through this particular cycle any more. Dealing with it is just more work and more stress than I want to voluntarily take on these days.

If I’d gotten fed up years ago and we didn’t have so much history, or if we didn’t have so much fun together when it’s not my turn in the doghouse, I’d know what to do. But I miss the good times we’ve had together, all the in-jokes we had that tied me to my childhood and adolescence. I miss that tie to the person I used to be.

I guess really the only thing I can do is to let her know that I’m not angry with her, whatever she might think, but that I can’t go through this cycle any more. I have a sinking feeling I know how it’s going to go, though. She’s liable to get in a snit and tell everyone that I’m holding a grudge and ending a twenty-year friendship over a stinking Christmas card. Oh, well, what the fuck. If you can’t discuss your feelings with somebody, it’s not enough of a friendship to bother with anyway, right?

2

I read your linked thread… What was the crack about your marriage that upset you? Maybe I missed it.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve been friends with/ related to drama queens and what I’ve done is basically clean house.
My philosophy is that if someone is a drain on me, and isn’t a positive force in my life, I don’t need to associate with them. Yes, this can apply to relatives, even when family gatherings come up. I’m polite and cordial at all times-- but when it comes to doing things one on one or hanging out, I have happily limited my list of companions. I have my husband, my brother and my best friend (a guy). Believe me, that’s not a coincidence. I prefer the company of men because tend not to be drama queens. Sure, I miss my gal pals and all the good times we had. But I do not miss their cattiness, back-stabbing, and witnessing two-faced behavior. I simply don’t have the time or inclination to play along.

People change throughout their lives. New situations arise (like getting married or having children), and change our perspective on life. If I were you, I would use this opportunity to put the ill feelings to rest… But not start up a fresh relationship. Be polite and friendly at family functions. But make sure she remains at arm’s length. You don’t have to let her walk all over you, even if she’s related.

3

Sounds more to me like ending a twenty-year history of aggravation over deliberate denigration of your feelings, that happened to be brought to head by a Christmas card – this time. It’s not the kind of “friendship” I’d be inclined to try to maintain.

It appears that you’re nostalgic for the good parts you can remember of your history together. Is that, or the potential (if any) of future good stuff, worth putting up with the bad stuff?

I’d say she needs to grow up and do some learning about other people’s feelings. Not an impossible task, but likely to take a fair amount of time.

4

Bingo. I couldn’t agree more.

Find new friends. Life’s too short.

5

Frankly, I wouldn’t respond at all.

I have two older aunts who have become increasingly batty over the years. They’ve done some things that bothered me, some that have bothered other members of the family and taken at least one shot at my father, who died in 1996 and is in no position to defend himself.

I simply stopped communicating with them. There’s no anger, no recriminations (at least on my part). I just don’t respond to them at all.

I’m polite. I even visited one batty aunt while she was in the hospital, but that’s all the contact I wish to have. My sister stays in contact with them, and that’s fine with me.

Since your cousin has kids, and you don’t want to cut them off, I’d suggest keeping in contact through Dr. J. Let him address the packages and reply to the emails. When you run into her at family gatherings, just be polite and move on.

6

I’d go with this.

You have a “history”, but people change. Sad, but move on.

Good luck. Keep us updated. :slight_smile:

7

If I’m reading this right (sorry, didn’t have time to go back and read the old thread), you apologized to her and she took her sweet time responding in any way. When she did respond, it was in a way that clearly pushed your buttons.

The best suggestion I have is to slow down a bit and not make any decisions about this situations until you buttons have ‘unpushed’ a bit. Pay attention to how you’re feeling now, and in a week or so weigh that against both the many years of family and friendship and the bat-shitness that is characteristic of your relationship with your cousin.

For now, vent like crazy because you clearly need to and have every right to be mystified and pissed off at the situation. Just don’t make any permanant decisions while you’re doing all that.

My 2 cents.

8

I’ve never felt better than when I eliminated a “friend” from my life. He was dragging me down. Pushed my buttons, belittled me. I stuck with it because the good times were really good.

A true friend would apologize for what it was that upset you because they don’t like the idea of causing you pain. A friend doesn’t apologize for you taking things the wrong way.

This person is dead weight on your life.

9

I’m so sorry to hear abou this, CrazyCatLady.

If you become friends again, it’ll just be a matter of time before you do something “selfish” that she flies off the handle over, don’t you think? Unless she expressed a real desire to change her behaviour toward you, I don’t know if it would be worth it to be friends again. It doesn’t sound like she’s willing to do that. It sounds like she got a little lonesome and wants you back, not like she actually wants to heal the rift between you.

If you want to give her a chance, write her and tell her that you accept her apology about the way she addressed the card, but that some of the other things she said really hurt your feelings. Don’t go into specifics–that’d be as bad as the assholishness checklist she served you with. Do mention that you were hurt when she didn’t respond to your apology, but give her an out by suggesting that maybe she didn’t recieve it. Then the ball’s in her court. Will she acknoweldge your apology? Will she take responsibility for the hurtful things she said to you? If so, then maybe that’s an indication that she’s seriously rethinking the way she treats you.

If you don’t want to give her that chance, I think you’re perfectly justified at this point in just writing her a letter accepting her apology for the card, and expressing the hope that you will have a civil and harmonious relationship in the future, but not accepting her overatures toward a continued friendship.

herownself makes an excellent point, too. Blow off steam and cool off before making a decision.

10

Run, don’t walk, away from this “friend”! I had a similar experience recently. I had a “friend” who constantly put-down my beliefs, belittled me, and gave me no emotional support because every problem in my life I brought upon myself (in her fucked up universe). After recovering from a deep depression, I decided that I didn’t need people like her in my life. Run away, cut ties, and don’t look back. You’ll be happier for it, believe me. Stay strong sister!

11

I must say that “I’m sorry you’re such a bitch” doesn’t seem like much of an apology.

A true apology accepts blame, offers contrition for the situation, and likely includes a sincere promise that it won’t happen again. It does not offer excuses or put blame on the recipient.

Surely you have better friends than this person.

12

Oh, I don’t think it’s a matter of time. I know it’s just a matter of time. We’ve been here and done this so many times I don’t even bother stopping by the gift shop, because I’ve already got all the t-shirts. Her perception is that she made an innocent mistake, and I got all pissy, which then made her all pissy, and now she’s very nobly extended an olive branch because she’s a good and mature person. In other words, this is pretty much all my fault, but she doesn’t want to let such petty things come between us. She has absolutely zero intention of changing the way she acts, because up until now she’s never really had any reason to. All her life, people have overlooked and made excuses and taken the blame for her hissy-fits. Hell, I’ve been enabling this behavior for years, and for that particular bit of this situation, I have nobody to blame but myself.

The shitty part of the whole situation is that I know, deep down, that it’s not really worth it, and that I need to just go on and make the break instead of worrying about what might possibly be someday. If I had a friend who got that sort of apology from a guy who had treated her this way, I’d be kicking her ass for even thinking about giving him yet another chance. I just don’t do conflict very well, especially with people who know how to push all my guilt buttons.

That’s probably the root of all my conflict, right there. I feel guilty about doing what’s best for me and just ending it all. Why? Well, because she just doesn’t have many friends (most likely because of exactly this sort of bullshit), and I feel bad that she’s going to drive them all away and have nobody to lean on when things get bad. I hate leaving people in the lurch, even when it’s just the logical result of their own actions. I hate feeling like I’m leaving someone in the lurch, even when they assure me I’m not. Besides, I hate the idea that she’s going to go around telling our entire family and all our mutual friends what a petty grudge-holding bitch I am. I hate the idea of them being put in the middle, because I know how bad that sucks. And to be honest, I think a small part of me is worried that they’ll all believe her side of events, even knowing her penchant making tempests in teapots and spinning things to flatter her. She’s really, really good at spinning stuff like this. It’s how she’s gotten by with this sort of behavior for almost thirty years, after all.

Seeker, it was the comment about why we even got married at all that bothered me. It wasn’t even that comment alone, really, although the implication that loving someone and wanting to share your life with them isn’t a good enough reason to get married unless you’re also willing to share your name with them is irritating. She’s made a lot of little comments here and there to let me know that I don’t have what she considers a “real” marriage. That’s just the least subtle of them.

Out of morbid curiosity, though, I have to wonder–if I took being called a petty, selfish, childish bitch the wrong way be being insulted, what’s the right way to take it?

13

Why even agonize over this? Friends stick by you and make your life easier and more pleasant. People who don’t do this are not your friends. Cut off all contact, and waste not one more neuron thinking about her. All I know is, I’m WAY too busy to worry about people that don’t make me happier to be around/talk to. I don’t get to spend enough time with the people I love as it is–there’s no way I’m going to waste time on people I don’t like.

14

Because I’m an idiot with easily tripped guilt triggers. I thought we’d already established this.

15

Honey, are we sisters??? I have that same complex. Sometimes, though, we just have to say, “ENOUGH!!!”

Well, they’ve known her for as long as you have. They probably have the sense to know what the score is by now. And even if they haven’t, so what? If anyone calls you out, simply tell them that you don’t have the time in your life to deal with her behavior anymore, or kissing her ass so you don’t end up in the doghouse. Consider this: Maybe they’ve been tempted to tell her she’s over the top but just haven’t had the cojones.

Ok… You have WAY more self-control that I have. If anyone made any such comments about my marriage, they’d get an earfull. What right does she have to say anything about your relationship with your husband or whether or not you took his name? It’s none of her business. Piss on her!

Whew! I’m gettin’ all worked up and I’m not even involved! Catlady, first and foremost, take the advice of the other members and give yourself some cool-down time. Excellent advice, there. Then, evaluate the pros and cons. If you wind up starting anew with her, take it slow. Just remember, you don’t have to take shit from anyone. Good luck to you!

16

My $0.02…

I wouldn’t respond to the email. Or any others. You don’t have to let her know anything. When you see her at family events, be polite but distant. Treat her as a stranger. If she asks you to your face what’s wrong, just look at her blankly, blink, and say that you have no idea what she’s talking about. If pressed, just shake your head and walk away.

She knows how you feel. She doesn’t care. Because you aren’t her, you’re wrong. It wouldn’t matter if you had taken his name, she would just find something else to make herself feel superior to you.

She can only hurt you if you let her hurt you. Distance yourself from her drama.

17

I agree with the folks who say to not respond at all. There’s really no point. She knows where your buttons are and delights in pushing them. On some level she wants an argument. You won’t–can’t–win an arugment with her so the surest solution is to just walk away. Your silence will be more eloquent and convincing than than anything you could possibly say…not that she’d listen to anything you said anyway, save as ammunition for more conflict.
It might feel awkward at first, especially since you’re cursed with oversized guilt buttons. (Wow, can I ever relate to that.) Honestly, though, it’s just making a mental shift more than anything else. Just never voluntarily seek her out, in any form whatsoever, and limit any forced interactions with her to minimal courtesy, somewhat less than you would extend to a total stranger. At family functions just say a quick, polite “Hello” and then immedidately spot someone across the room you must talk to.
Never complain and never explain.. She wants both, so deny them to her.
Just move her, quietly and permanently, outside the circle of people with whom you interact. She’s a detriment and a deliberate irritant to you, and life’s too short to put up with that.
Good luck, CrazyCatLady. Every family has one. Sometime we can swap notes about my drama-queen-psycho-bitch-from-hell cousin. She’s uniformly disliked too, because she’s so damned obnoxious. Oh well. Pests choose their behavior.

18

It took her three and a half months (late December to April 8) to respond to your emails? Giving her the benefit of the doubt, let’s assume it took her that long to formulate a response (I wouldn’t personally give her that benefit, but a kinder person might).

Now you have three and a half months to write a response to hers. Of course, you could just chalk one up to “she’s never gonna get it” and forget about her. I finally had to take that approach with one relative who was obstinately annoying to the point of outright lying (I knew it was a lie, she knew it was a lie).

19

This option cracked me up!

As for what to do, I would agree with what most others have said: If it’s possible to write her off, do, because she sounds really toxic. I read the other thread too, and I felt really pissed off on your behalf. REALLY pissed off!

Her “why get married at all” comment was infuriating; it brought back memories of the time an idiotic co-worker of my husband’s said that we “must not love each other” because we had separate checking accounts. WHAT the?!?!? Even 18 years later, that comment still has the power to enrage me. And yeah, even though we’re married and everything now, we still have separate checking accounts! So there. Bite me, Lorraine.

Anyway, nobody needs your cousin’s brand of aggravation and drama in their lives, and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting off a ticking human time bomb in exchange for occasional fun times. It’s just not worth it.

20

I don’t think I could have said it any better myself. But, there’s always option 4…

Priceless. Mind if I sig this?