Short version: My cousin-sister is pissed at me for being honest, I’d like to make up the hurt feelings with her.
Here’s the background: about a year ago my cousin-sister and brother-in-law came within swinging distance of a divorce, to the point where he moved out. My sister caused an enormous amount of drama, and my aunt, who lives with them, joined in the drama and made it as much about herself as well.
My cousin-sister called me three times during this and talked to me for well over an hour each time, crying, asking WHY, etc. She dumped the blame solely on him and I knew that was not the case, and never could be the case.
For the first two calls and most of the second one I managed to keep my mouth shut but finally I asked her some questions and asked her to look at her own behaviour, basically saying that a) relationships almost always break up because of two people and b) Aunt should never have been involved.
She has not spoken to me since. Of course, she’s pissed and a huge drama queen. Still, she has been in the family since before I was born (she’s not blood, long story), and I really don’t see the point of fighting over such things.
However neither will I keep my mouth shut like I have all my life. If you ask me my opinion, over the course of three hours, crying and yelling, I will give you my opinion… I don’t like lying. I had to do that plenty while growing up.
As such, I would like this letter to say both things: that I answered as asked, and am an adult, but I still love her and never wanted to hurt her feelings.
One more thing: My family has an enormously difficult time realizing I am 33 and an adult and what’s more is, I am the only one in a happy, satisfied relationship in my immediate family. The only one. So I almost think they don’t understand what one is. Eternal children, they are.
Tell me what you think, please?
Names hidden of course (I hope I didn’t miss any). And if you need more information I can supply it. Suffice it to say my family and I have never had a very healthy relationship and they do constantly fly off the handle at words. They are of the caliber of, “Did you hear what so-and-so said about our girl at the wedding! Never talk to them again!”
I think that the letter itself is fine, but also that she’ll read it one way or another depending on what mood she’s in when she gets it, on things beyond your control.
As a friend’s mother would say “I don’t pray for God to whisper in her ear what she hasn’t learned, I pray that the teacher doesn’t grade while his teeth hurt.” How your sister-cousin receives this… will depend on whether her teeth and those of your Aunt hurt.
Also, it is very clear to me how important this is to you, because in your outside-the-letter remarks you use unusual grammar. I think you weren’t thinking 100% in English while you wrote the OP, I don’t know if that makes sense.
Agreed with Nava. If she’s ready to reconcile, this letter should do the trick. If she’s not, it will at best fall on deaf eyes. At worst, it will backfire.
A reasonably thinking person is going to read this and be thankful you wrote it, possibly understanding that you’re hurting from the experience as well.
But emotions are involved, and sometimes they block reason. The opening sentence is just exactly the right tone to start. Good luck!
One tiny change, in the 6th (next to last) paragraph:
>As you had hoped for, I love your husband like my brother now,
> and I love you like my sister like I always did.
change to
As you had hoped for, I love your husband like my brother now, and I love you *as *my sister *as *I always have.
The “did” sounds past-tense, like you might not love her now.
I don’t have any other advice. I’m sorry to hear about your family turmoil.
Anaamika was (to the best of my recollection) raised by her aunt, her bio-mom’s sister, but was not told until a late age that this was the real relationship. So I suspect she’s talking about someone she was raised to think was a cousin but was really her biological sister.
(Or maybe it’s the other way around - this was her “sister” growing up but turns out is biologically her cousin.)
I’m actually going to suggest a cut-down version of your letter, because I think there is too much ‘stating your own case’ in it, which is just inviting arguments. Here’s what I’d suggest:
Dear Didi,
I know you are still mad at me and I am writing to ask your forgiveness. I don’t think that you and I should fight or be angry at each other, you who have taken care of me literally since I was born and are like another mother to me.
I never meant to attack you or hurt your feelings. You asked my honest opinion, and I honestly answered as best I could.
You are angry at me for what I said and I am truly, truly sorry I hurt your feelings. But I am an adult now and can have an opinion different than yours. This does not mean I disrespect you. I respect you greatly. I also respect {her husband} and love you both very much.
I think you expected me to be wholly on your side and say bad things about {her husband}. But I can’t do that. As you had hoped for, I love your husband like my brother now, and I love you like my sister like I always did. And I want the best for both of you.
As I said, I am an adult now and have differing opinions than you. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you or don’t respect you. However, I am truly sorry I hurt your feelings. Whether you accept this apology or not is up to you of course, but I hope you will.
I agree with sandra_nz. Apologies – or olive branches – work best without any rehashing of the specifics. It just invites further argument. I like that sandra’s version reiterates love, respect and regret for hurt feelings.
Ok, I will scale it down. I was thinking it was wordy anyway - I have a tendency to do that.
And yes, I was not thinking in English. However, I simply can’t write the letter in Hindi. I can’t do feelings very well in Hindi. English is really my language.
I’ll fix the grammar, TDG. Oh, and by the way, I will handwrite it. I wanted to compose it first.
Ok as to the cousin-sister thing. I cannot tell you how fucked up weird my family relationships are. For shits and giggles I’ll attempt a brief (HA!) description:
I was born to the youngest sister of three, adopted by the eldest
“Didi” is the middle sister’s best friend so she is neither my cousin nor sister but the has been “in the family” since before I was born. I have always called her sister even though she is almost 20 years older than me.
The “brother-in-law” was originally adopted by my aunt (the middle sister) and then eventually married Didi - originally to get into the country, but then they fell in love, then they fought. So legally he is my cousin. By relationships, he is my brother in law. By love, he is my brother.
In Hindi, we don’t use a word for cousin, only sister. The reason I used cousin-sister in the OP is I wanted it to be clear this isn’t a “real” sister, it’s not technically that kind of relationship. Just one step removed.
I swear it’s every stereotype the South ever perpetuated except no one actually married a sibling. Whatever, if it makes them happy, and thankfully I really do love her husband, but it is beyond weird.
I agree with this comment - the letter is good, but it makes you sound a little on the defensive side. Also, I like that you really emphasize that what you said, you said because you love and respect her, but it would be more powerful if, as sandra_nz recommended, you kept it shorter and only said that once or twice.
So, I would go something along the lines of:
Dear [Firstname],
I know you are still hurting and I’m writing to let you know how sorry I am. You’ve taken care of me since I was born and have supported me when I needed it most. For that and much more, you will always deserve my love, respect and honesty.
I know you’re still mad at me for some things I said the last time we talked. My intention was never to attack you or hurt your feelings. You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you, hoping to help you as you’ve helped me. What I told you was based on the sometimes rocky but close, caring relationship [SO] and I have carved out together.
I love you and your husband and want only the best for both of you. You need to do what works for you and no one else. You’re both in charge of your relationship and I know you’ll do what’s right for you.
If you ever need any help, you can still turn to me. I may not always agree with you, but I will always love and respect you and any advice I give you will reflect that. I hope you’ll accept my apology and that we can talk soon.
I would definitely leave out anything about how you know something about relationships due to your own experience. It’s true, but Didi will take it badly. Better to leave it out entirely. It can’t help.
I really like sandra_nz’s edit. It sounds like you’re groveling and begging her to forgive you for your transgressions, however. That affirms that she is a “power position” and reinforces the idea that you did something wrong. (I’m not sure about the Indian cultural norms with regard to apologies though. If you think more groveling is called for, put it back in.)
Also, stating that you’re an adult and that your opinions do count is sort of like a 4 year old saying “I’m a big girl now!” The ONLY way you’ll ever get them to accept you as an adult is continuing to be one.
I’ll try editing it to reduce those issues and shorten it up. (shorter is better with this stuff.)
Dear Didi,
I know that you have been angry with me since the last time we talked. I never meant to attack you or hurt your feelings. You asked my honest opinion, and I honestly answered as best I could.
I think you expected me to agree with you on every point and say bad things about {husband}. But I see the best in both of you. I have come to love him like my brother, just as you had hoped for. And I love you like my sister, just as I always have. I only want the best for you both.
If I express an opinion that is different from yours, that doesn’t mean I disrespect you. Just the opposite. I respect you and {husband} more than you could ever know.
I am truly, truly sorry I hurt you.
Whether you accept this apology or not is up to you of course, but I hope you will.
With lots and lots of love
Your sister
I also took out the part about being on one side or another. Implies that she wanted you take sides. Even if she did, she probably doesn’t want to admit it. I changed “hurt your feelings” to “hurt you,” as this sounds like you’re taking her hurt more seriously.
Well, they have a record of never acknowledging that anyone can change. What I mean is, they still act just like you do the same things 20 years ago, and that your opinion is never valid or wanted because you’ll always be a child.
I envy other people who have adult relationships with their family. I never will. They will NEVER accept me as an adult, period, end of discussion, no matter what. To them I am still rebelling because I insist on dating someone outside the culture/race/religion, even though I’ve been with him 13 years. They are drama queens, users, and enablers - but I can’t help loving them, they’re my family.
But while apologizing, I want to make it clear that I am not here just to agree with everything they say and then will go back to being the silent child again. And if that means that this relationship doesn’t patch up, so be it. I am OK with her not accepting the apology. I am apologizing because it’s the right thing to do, but I’ve been pushed around and marginalized all through my childhood and teen years, with all three women standing over me and telling me how worthless I was. It took me a long time to not need them.
What I am trying to say is, if you give these people an inch, they will immediately take ten miles. At some point they are going to need to hear “I have opinions different than yours”.
As long as people are suggesting cutting the letter down, I’m going to suggest another cut.
Dear Didi,
I know you are still mad at me and I am writing to ask your forgiveness. I don’t think that you and I should fight or be angry at each other, you who have taken care of me literally since I was born and are like another mother to me.
Whether you accept this apology or not is up to you of course, but I hope you will.
With lots and lots of love
Your sister
Anything else is just giving her ammunition for another fight.
Yeah, she is definitely of the “asking for agreement” category. But, I am not of the “agree to make you feel better” category at all. I keep my mouth shut a lot around my crazy family but three hour long phone calls, at work, were just too much. I rarely if ever take personal calls at work and I think in those few days I made up my entire quota. Thankfully we were speaking in Hindi so other people could not hear.
To be honest I am not even of the type of person that calls just to be comforted, either. Maybe I should have just "uh-huh"ed my way through all the calls but frankly I was getting tired of her badmouthing him.
