Out of a family of six kids, there are three of us left – me (the baby) and my two older sisters. About 10 years ago, there was a falling out between my sisters. At this point, the original incident is immaterial, because, in the intervening years, other things have occurred to compound the problem.
I’m 61. My sisters are 64 and 68. In the past few years, they’ve both had some scary, potentially life-threatening health issues. I just want to shake both of them and yell, “Life is too short for this petty shit!”
The fractured relationship is hard on me. From a practical standpoint, it means twice as much time and travel, because I can no longer visit my sisters together. (We used to have regular sisters’ weekends.) The emotional component is hard on the extended family of husbands and in-laws. When my sisters do happen to be together, the tension is palpable. As the neutral party, I get it from both sides – A complains to me about B; B complains to me about A. That is a very uncomfortable position to be in.
For various reasons (including the broken relationship), the three of us will not be getting together during the holidays. And so I am contemplating writing my sisters identical letters saying, in effect, “I love you both and the fractured relationship between you two is killing me. It’s extremely stressful for me to feel like I’m caught in the middle, not to mention onerous from a time and travel standpoint to have to visit you separately. With the various health problems that have cropped up in the past couple of years, the possibility that one of you could die with this issue unresolved is real. I ask you to contemplate for a moment what it would feel like to lose the other while you are unreconciled. I think the time has come for you to either work toward mending your relationship or decide that the problem is unfixable and no longer have contact. (And from listening to both of you, I don’t think either of you want the latter.) We were working toward having a sisterly conversation when the first of many of the health issues intervened, and it seems that if we keep waiting for the perfect time, it will never come. So for Christmas, I want to ask for one thing – make a commitment to talk to each other. Start small. Have a weekly 10-minute phone conversation about completely mundane things. Declare a moratorium on any topics that push buttons. Talk about things that don’t matter in order to get to the point where you can talk about things that do matter. Life is short. We need each other. Please consider my request and let me know if I can do anything to help either of you. I love you both to the moon and back.”
Do you think this is a good or bad idea? Do you have any suggestions on other means of helping them reconcile? (They live about 4 hours apart, FWIW, which is why I’m suggesting the phone.)
I think the reason they aren’t getting along is important.
I mean, if one of them did something heinous against the other, I don’t think it would be right for you to make this into something that both of them are equally responsible for. In such a case, it would be proper to first urge the guilty party to apologize and make amends to the aggrieved party if she hasn’t done that already.
The incident that started it all…2009 was a horrible year. My older brother died of cancer in July, and in September, the middle sister’s dog, whom she loved dearly, suddenly died, and she was devastated. By the time fall rolled around, we said, “Let’s do something different for Christmas so the holes left by those missing won’t be so obvious.” We decided to visit my older sister in Vegas, whom we didn’t get to see often because of the distance. As Christmas got closer, my middle sister begged off, citing finances. A few months after that, she adopted an older special needs dog who required regular vet care and a veterinary diet. Older sister felt that middle sister essentially chose a dog over her (and an older dog that would die and break my sister’s heart again). Now that the incident is in the past, they have continued to find fault with one another over other things – middle sister thinks older sister is a snob who looks down on her; older sister thinks middle sister is a whiner and possibly a drug addict because of her chronic pain issues. It’s a mess.
I don’t agree. Maybe it will be the catalyst that gets them back together. However, from the OP, Older sister accused Middle sister of putting herself (Middle sister) before her (Older sister) which caused a rift. I could see Older sister accusing OP of the same thing & ceasing communications with both of the siblings.
You meet me & like me, we become friends. If you think I’m a jerk you don’t have anything to do with me. However, if someone’s a jerk but shares DNA with you you’re still supposed to love them.
This is not something I could do with a letter. Do it face to face or not at all. Meet with each sister individually and try to arrange a group meeting. Be understanding, explain your feelings honestly and listen patiently. I agree, life is too short to be burdened by resentment. YOUR life is also too short to be burdened by their misery. Tell them in no uncertain terms you will not be caught in the middle any more. If they can’t be bothered to talk to each other then you can’t bear to hear them talk about each other any more. Expect some resistance and finger pointing and don’t be too surprised if it all goes pear shaped.
I don’t like your odds of a good ending for this situation but all you can do is be honest and hope for the best.
Speaking as someone who is estranged from some, but not all, of my family: you’ll probably piss both of 'em off. I suppose they’ll have being pissed off at you in common then, but I don’t see that causing a reconciliation.
You’re not going to control their actions, nor their reactions to each other. They will certainly see this as you trying to control them. It won’t go over well. They messed up their relationship; they are going to have to be the ones to fix it, if it is to be fixed. And it sounds like the cause was emotions, so trying to reason to a solution won’t work, either.
What you can do is set some boundaries on your actions to stop suffering all that stress. CUT THEM OFF every time one of them complains about the other. Do not accept even one teeny-tiny complaint. Firmly tell them that you don’t want to hear that, ask them to stop, and if they don’t do so you end the conversation. Hang up the phone, or tell them you’re leaving and will talk to them later.
Plan gettogethers with no regard to their animosity; that’s their issue to deal with. If you want to go visit both of them, go visit both of them and plan time separately with each. You’ll just have less time with each than with both together, but that’s their choice. If there is a family gettogether and they’re making it awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else, ignore them and their tension. If they make a scene because they’re not getting the desired drama for themselves, call them out on it and BE FIRM that none of you will stand for it.
But, trust me, treating them like children and instructing them how they have to behave toward each other because the feelings which they regard as valid are inconveniencing you… will NOT end well.
I’m trying to imagine if someone could get me to get along with my worst enemy through a guilt trip. I don’t think so. I think it would only make me resent the person sending me on the guilt trip.
I know “guilt trip” is harsh, but that’s how your letter reads to me. I don’t think you intend to come across this way, but it sounds like you are asking them to mend their relationship primarily for your sake rather than for theirs. Like, if they decide they aren’t going to commit to weekly ten-minute conversations because fuck that shit, will you take that as a sign that they don’t care about you? If so, you really shouldn’t. Also, you say that you want them to either make up or break up. How does the latter address the problem of burdensome travel and you being caught in the middle? It doesn’t. It will just make things worse.
So I think you’d be better off just letting both of them know you will no longer listen to them rant and complain about the other. You can’t make them be buddy-buddy, and actually I think it is wrong for you to even try. But you can let them know what you will tolerate from them as individuals. If they want to die without reconciling, that is 100% on them.
I totally agree with this. It sounds like you want them to reconcile for YOUR sake. That’s like getting someone to stop drinking for your sake. It’s doomed from the start. They have to want to reconcile. I think what I would do is start a conversation about it with one of them, then (depending on how that goes) the other one. What is ideal is if you can think of a way to bring up the subject sideways, rather than confronting it head on.
Here’s what I mean about “sideways”. My nephew’s wife got a concealed carry permit. Which was not something I think she should have done. I’m not going to change her mind but I want to make sure she understood the responsibilities that went along with it. So I talked to her, but I didn’t broach it directly. Instead -using a current news story as a starting point I started to talk about how the brain reacts to sudden violence and how people do not react at all like they imagine they would. And she started talking about some of the things she was taught in her permit course. And there we were, having the conversation I wanted. As an aside, she got the permit but Ive never seen her use it.
If you can guide her into talking about, she may be more receptive than she would be if you broached it head on. And you can then reassess the odds and if you think you see a possibility, try the same thing with the other sister.
As someone who is estranged from a family member, its easy to just say ‘let bygones be bygones, family is more important’, but many times if you are estranged it is because someone has shown a lack of respect for your well being or boundaries. I cut my brother off when he used me as a scapegoat and punching bag because he thought it would salvage his relationship with a wealthy doctor who hates him because my brother and his wife constantly makes fun of the doctor’s wife.
Some people are just shitty, and its better to go your own way. Trying to have a hallmark reunion just shows you don’t appreciate or respect people’s decisions to go their separate ways or what led to those decisions.
As fellow youngest who had tried to play peacemaker… be aware it may end badly. Youngest of five and none of the three older sisters speak to each other or either my brother or I now. One also dismissed several old friends from her life.
Your problem is your stress at wanting to fix it. I had felt it too. But your problem is not their being angry at or hurt by each other. You won’t be able to fix the stress you feel by fixing their relationship and the effort may end up with one or both getting angry at you or worse just dismissing you from their life without even anger at you but as a casualty of war. Fixing it is not your job or your responsibility and not in your power. So deal with the stress of wanting to fix it another way: let it go.
I’m in the leave it alone camp. I’m the youngest of four and was estranged from my siblings for over 20 years. I reconciled with them a few years ago when my Mom was hospitalized and later put in a care home. My sisters would always nudge me that Mom would be so happy to see us all together, but I’m sure she knew it was forced. I’ve told my sisters (my brother is too busy with his own family) that other than being family, I wouldn’t associate with them at all.
We have an annual dinner to celebrate my parents, but I couldn’t make it this year because I was sick and they talked about trying again a month later, but nothing came of it. Bottom line, I really don’t know or care what’s going on with them. They all have kids and their own lives and AFAIK, contact each other only every few months.
Honestly, your message seems to me preachy and self-centered and I’d be upset if I received it. What you think is the reason for their estrangement may only be the tip of the iceberg and IMO, it’s none of your business what or why their separation continues. Live YOUR life and let them live theirs. See them individually and if the spirit and time and right, they’ll reconcile on their own.
Edit: When my Mom was in the hospital, her youngest brother, who was in his 80’s happened to stop by the family home. He came to tell her that his ex? wife had passed away (I think they got remarried). When I told him my Mom was in the hospital, his reaction was “Oh yeah?” and he rambled on about his most recent hospital visit, then left. Some siblings live their own lives. I do and so does my brother. My sisters are the ones pushing to get together.
Don’t be surprised if each of them thinks the other should apologize. And I would be surprised if either of them thought there was anything they needed to apologize for.
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies and pointing out how my letter comes across as a guilt trip and a plea to reconcile for my sake.
Now, here’s the kicker. What prompted me to want to write the letter was an email from my older sister to the middle sister and me saying, among other things, that she and her husband just wanted to spend the holidays at home. (We’ve gotten together at New Year’s for many, many years at the middle sister’s house.)
Middle sister had already decided she was not going to do that whole gig this year because she felt like she was forcing something and it just made everyone uncomfortable. So she responded to older sister’s email saying as much and sharing how much she wanted to have a “healthy, vibrant and loving sisterly relationship with my only 2 living siblings.” Older sister then responded with an email that laid out some of middle sister’s actions that have hurt her. (And my thought was “Yay! Some frank communication, at last!”) She closed her email with “I would be very happy for the three of us to get together to make an attempt to rebuild the bonds among us.”
I’m working on arranging this get together in early January. Any comments on how to guide this conversation so it’s productive and healing are most welcome!
If a desire to improve relations among the 3 of you is preying on you, by all means, try whatever you can think of to try to improve things. But, as just about everyone has said, the fact that YOU want things a certain way does not mean the other 2 want the same. In their late 60s, maybe they just realized they were done with putting up with what they perceive as each others’ shit. Or maybe they are tired of the same old “rituals.” It might be enough to enjoy that you shared holidays a certain way for a long time, and move on to deciding how you might best share what time you have left in the future - either all 3 together or in various pairs.
My wife has long had on-again/off-again relationships (mostly off) w/ her 2 sisters. Things change, and (for us) many past wrongs recede. As they do, be open to the possibility of revising relationships. But be aware of realizing when to stop your efforts. Maybe a letter, followed up by phone calls. But if they aren’t going along with you, you gotta know when to drop it.
