OK, it’s a long and complicated story, but I would value some advice so will try to keep it short and interesting 
Basically at the core of the story is an ongoing hot and cold war I have been having with my mother over the past decade for her non-acceptance of my wife (I have described this in other threads in case anyone is interested, but won’t go into details now). All was initially fine with my brother (lets call him George) and he was sympathetic to my issues with my mother. However, while I maintained a strict policy of not burdening my brothers with the details of my fight with my mother, and of not ever saying anything bad about her, my mother dumped lots on my brothers, including her hate for my wife, her disappointment in me, and most of all, her misery and dissatisfaction with her life and her depression. So they were seeing only one side of the story, over a period of quite a few years. At some point a few years ago, George offered to mediate between my mother and myself, which I happily welcomed. Anyway, his mediation didn’t really achieve much (though my mother and I are currently in a period of peace that we agreed bilaterally), but it did expose George to even more of the indoctrination from my mother. George began to blame me more and more for the situation, and began to resent my part in my mother’s misery.
Finally, about one year ago, the task of hearing all this from my mother and being her sole source of emotional support became too much for George, and he broke off contact with me, saying that he would only resume contact if I fixed my ways once and for all and ‘stopped tearing apart the family’. I was really stunned by this because I thought all along that George was, if not an ally (I wouldn’t want anyone to be ‘allies’ because that would only increase the divide in the family), then a neutral and objective party. It was a real betrayal. But moreover, what was most sickening was what he said to me in the last couple of conversations and emails between us. He made attacks on my character, on my value for family, on my life choices, on my choice of friends. He explicitly accused me of tearing apart the family. He also maligned my wife (who has never been anything but nice to him), calling her psychotic and accusing her of masterminding the whole situation. And to cap it all off, he said that “it would have been easier for all of us if you had died in a plane crash”. This last bit was really shocking, and way out of line. I know that speaking of a hypothetical is not the same as saying ‘I want you to die’, but still, it is hard to swallow from your own bother. And I couldn’t even let that particular comment pass as a heat of the moment thing, as I later learned that he repeated the same exact statement about me to my other brother two months later.
So that’s the background. As described, George broke off all communications with me 12 months ago. However, two months ago, George sent me an email, announcing that he was getting married, and that he thought it would be good to restart communications. There was no mention of what had passed between us, no apology, and also no congratulations on the recent birth of my daughter. My initial reaction was that the offer seemed self-serving. His fiancee is from a very well-off family, and I suspect he is afraid it will look bad if his big brother does not attend the wedding. I did not respond, and he wrote a second email, reiterating his desire to see reconciliation in the family and to have me at the wedding. Still no mention of the past abuses.
I need to respond to him, and want to tell him about how far out of line he was last year and how much pain he caused. It is possible (though not certain) that I may thus be able to extract a satisfactory apology from him. But before I write to him, two questions are stuck in my mind.
First, given his failure to proactively acknowledge or apologise for his venomous attacks and betrayal in either of the two recent messages (as well as his failure to congratulate me on my daughter), how sincere would any apology from him be?
And second, even if the apology is sincere, will I/should I be able to forgive and forget the things he said? It was some pretty nasty stuff, not just aimed at me, but also at my wife. How strong will I need to be to get past this? Will it be a cancer between us for the rest of our days, or will we be able to find a way to move past it? George has always been a decent and level-headed guy, and we never had issues before this (though I wouldn’t describe us as close). My mother, on the other hand, has always been very needy and neurotic, depending way too much on her three boys for emotional support after she and my dad divorced. Given my policy of non-aggression, I can see how George might have gotten a one-sided picture over the years. But now that he has made it clear how he feels about me, can it ever be undone?
So what do Dopers think? I would love to hear your experiences and wisdom. My mind would like reconciliation, but my heart still feels sick.
[P.S. I don’t want to debate whether I am right or wrong in my relationship with my mother. Personally I think I am right to defend my wife against poor treatment in the family, but I also know that no one is ever blame-free in a family feud. Since my mother and I are at peace at the moment, I am trying to do my best to keep lines of communication open and be less quick to issue ultimata of my own.]
