Having cut toxic family members out of my life, that of course would be my advice. If you want to reconcile you are going to have to be the one to swallow everything, try to put it in the past, and then deal with it all coming up again at every family gathering. For me, everyone in my family comes such a distant second to my husband that the first insult to him means they can kiss my ass on the way out of my life.
You could send a nice note, a gift, and excuse yourself from the wedding as you have an infant daughter to care for. Leaves it open for him to make future attempts if he wants to, and also reminds him of the family obligation he missed out on.
First and foremost, you need to decide what type of relationship you wish from your brother, what it would take to get ther, and whether or not you wish to pursue that. I place a GREAT deal of value on family relations, and tend to lean over backwards to give family members the benefit of the doubt, and multiple chances. But there is a point at which you have to decide whether they are exhibiting a consistent pattern of behavior, and/or mature behavioral traits. If they are, then you must decide what the best aproach is FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE- not for your brother, mom, or anyone else.
Family members often have a need to communicate over important things such as parental health care. IMO it is desireable that family members have enough of a relationship that they are able to discuss such things politely and (at least superficially) respectfully.
By all means, give reconciliation a chance. Don’t hold a grudge, but don’t go into it with blinders on. And if he displays similar behavior in the future, well, that’s another good data point to consider as you reassess your prospects at that point.
I think the well being of your immediate family is more important to you than the hateful actions of your brother and mother is the take away.
Whether you reconcile or not, these people need to understand that their stuff is really of much less importance to you and you don’t want to be bothered with their drama. Have you been happier without their dumping on you on a daily basis? If so, you need to perpetuate that and not their dumping.
I agree. Unless you think you felt a whole lot happier with him in your life, there’s no reason to cling to the idea of a “family” bond. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth the effort of laying ground rules and stilted conversations for…what, exactly? A feeling of dread that it all might happen again? I don’t think you’ll be getting an apology.
Your wife and child are #1 priority. Don’t let your family hurt them. Pushing toxic, hurtful people out of your life is a good thing.
"George,
You do realize that the last time we spoke, you called my wife psychotic, suggested she masterminded our familial problems, and said that life would be easier if I had died in a plane crash.
Try not to underestimate your mother’s ability to mindfuck otherwise intelligent, rational people.
Try not to blame him too much for falling into your mother’s trap. (After all, isn’t this the ideal outcome for your mother? She’s unhappy, she displaces the blame onto you, the rest of the family agrees—what’s not awesome here for her? Oh, wait, that everyone is unhappy. Oops.)
Everything he did wrong is a direct result of your attempt to rise above the negativity and of your mother’s to wallow in it. (From your OP, there are clinical reasons behind this rather than “she’s a bad person,” but the net effect is pretty similar.) Remember, this is his MOTHER. As the saying goes, she knows how to push his buttons: she installed them. Yours too. Blame him a little for not being able to get beyond it, but not too much.
Most of all, try to get a professional counsellor to do the mediating in future. In fact, that’s probably the best way to repair the relations with your brother. I’m sorry about your mother, but it really sounds that her unhappiness / depression is making her poisonous, and the poison is spreading. Damage control: get yourself healthy first, then reach out to family.
Some things really and truly are unforgivable. Being told that things would be better for everyone if I were dead would be one for me. Maybe e-mail per Shodan; maybe just stop answering his e-mails altogether. Life is too short.
How does it injure you to be a gracious person and attend his wedding and make nice? Maybe even turn over a new leaf with him? Do you want peace or do you want to be right?
Let the past be, move forward, to a better place, if at all possible. You can defend your wife without starting a family feud. If anyone wants to talk trash, gather your dignity and leave quietly. Every time. They will get the message or not.
Refuse to engage in bickering. If they do not understand your position by now, they aren’t going to. Communicate with your ass, “Sorry, we must be going!” And then just go. No drama, no antics.
I keep getting this huge passive aggressive drama queen vibe from your posts. You paint George as an easily manipulated mother’s fool and you don’t even mention much about the other brother. Then George is somehow purposely evil and cruel to you in his remarks. Is the other brother weary of your drama and baggage too?
For some reason you once believed George to be a level headed individual worthy of consideration as a mediator. Then he transforms into a manipulated cruel man. My guess is that mom had some pretty compelling arguments pointing out your issues. George took her side not because she was a manipulator but because a bit of truth about you was exposed.
I don’t buy the “better man” label either. I have a family member who constantly claims she’s on the high road but it’s evident to the rest of the family that she’s passive aggressive and has played the martyr one too many times.
In any case my advice to you is pretty much what everybody else says. Just bail out of this situation. It’s no good for you and the rest of the family is tired of the drama.
I roll with DMark. “You’re tearing the family apart” strikes me as more psychotic than wishing that you had died.This guy despises you, despises your wife, and is mad as a hatter, to boot. Has anything happened that made that change? You don’t need an apology, but, you need to find out what, if anything, has changed the thinking. I say it hasn’t happened.
Forgive your family, but, don’t contact them.
While the rest of your post makes a lot of sense for a large percentage of situations, and is very fair and logical towards others, this particular sentence bugs me. It can absolutely hurt a person to get re-involved with hurtful people. How can you not understand that? Do you believe that all people are capable of simply shrugging off hateful, spiteful remarks as though they were never spoken?
The family gathering may go swimmingly. However, alcohol and emotions may get involved and our OP here could end up being screamed at with obscenities and wishes for his death even if he doesn’t do anything. He could definitely be hurt by verbal abuse just by being gracious and showing up politely and quietly.
I think maybe you give toxic people too much credit. Simply walking out on some types does absolutely nothing. Sometimes years of complete isolation with zero communication still doesn’t convince the toxic person that they’ve done (or are doing) horrible hateful things. And of course if they don’t realize what they’re doing and instead blame you, they’re not going to change or learn. No matter how many times you walk out.
Personally, before making nice, I’d like to know if he still thinks that my wife is psychotic, or if he still thinks life would be better if I were dead.
He could say “Maybe it’s OK that you’re actually alive.” Baby steps, right?
Like you suggested, extract the apology. Tell him how you feel and that you think you deserve an apology. Then, make him say it. It may not be as genuine as you’d like but it’s better than nothing.
Do not respond and hope he gets the message that he needs to apologize. Then it’s up in the air as to how it goes from there. He may get it, and he may not.
Resume contact with your brother like nothing happened. It might be the easiest way but it will likely not work out in the long run. In essence, you will have been a doormat.
Personally, I would go with option # 1. It sounds like you want to carry on with your relationship, but need to set things straight first. Your brother has at least made an effort to resume contact but might not be mature to realize the error of his ways. Just be the bigger man here but at the very least set some standards and guidelines as to how you want this to work out.
Orville, I think the key here is going to be the proper management of your own expectations, so as to avoid disappointment.
To me that means focusing on what you can control – basically, what you say to him about how he made you feel. If you resume contact (and it sounds like you’re leaning that way), lay out how his remarks hurt and offended you, and tell him that it’s obviously left you wondering why things are different now and why resuming contact won’t lead back to the same hurtful result.
Don’t ask for an apology or for anything in particular for him; that’s a recipe for disappointment. Instead, just see what he says. If he responds “what do you want from me,” just say, “I want to know what it means to you to hear these things from me.” If you think he’s genuinely contrite or at least committed to being civil, then maybe there’s something there that you two can build on. If he’s just defensive and hostile, then maybe you would decide not to go any further.
I say good riddance to him. You have taken the high road, made your apologies where they were due, and you’re persecuted for it.
I am estranged from one of my sisters (she’s disowned the whole family over a misunderstanding). I apologized for any part I had in the affair (which was pretty minor) and pleaded with her to reconcile. This went on for about two years. Then I saw some comments she made about me and other family on facebook on mutual friend’s and family’s pages - on facebook for crying out loud!
She has a very selective memory and has rewritten our entire family history in her mind. I no longer care if I ever see or talk to her again. She’s always been an agitater and I have always had to work at having a relationship (we had a falling out about 10 years ago which we eventually mended ). I’ve bent over backwards because she’s family. Finally, I had to ask myself why the hell I was trying to patch up the relationship with such an unpleasant person and the only reason I could come up with is the family tie. I’ve moved past that now, I do myself or anyone else no favors by trying to reconcile with her.