A big fat 'WELCOME HOME' pit to my brother

Recap
My parents have been divorced for 15 years. During that time, my brother has consistently blown off spending time with my mom. He never has any excuse beyond general flakiness, and plays on her desperation to see him in order to manipulate her into giving him whatever he wants. Yet when she gets duped, she keeps falling for it time and again. When my brother got sent to Iraq, my mom was sick with grief and would go into crying jags if someone even mentioned it- it was as though in her mind, he had died.
/recap

My brother just started his leave from Iraq this week. Because of the inflexibility of my job schedule, I was unable to see him when he came back, but my mom drove two hours with her brother and sister-in-law, with balloons and gifts ready to greet him with my dad and stepmom at the airport.

He never arrived for them. It turned out he had gotten off on a flight four hours prior- informing my dad (who picked him up) but neglecting to inform my mom. So my mom, her boyfriend, and my aunt/uncle waited there for nothing. It gets worse-

Over a month ago, my mom planned a party for my brother when he got back. Since he will be in Iraq for his birthday and xmas, we planned to have a ‘hybrid’ celebration for him. My mom sent email invites to her whole family, and let him know repeatedly that they were getting together November 25th. When he got back, he blows my mom off all weekend (he was staying with my dad, and they live 4 hours away from the rest of us). When she finally gets a hold of him on the phone, he says he’s planning on coming down, but he already promised my dad’s family who live in the Bay Area he’s hanging out with them on the 25th :mad:

Then he has the audacity to leave a voicemail on my phone telling me that he needs my help ‘sorting things out with mom’ because he had apparently promised my dad’s family down here he’s hanging out with them and mom doesn’t realize ‘he already made plans’ :mad: :mad: :mad:

You flaky bastard, you didn’t make plans, you just do whatever’s convenient for you. You can see dad’s family pretty much any time during your leave, but the 25th is the only time mom can get her family together to see you! Yes mom, you know, the woman who took a week’s vacation so she could spend time with you, only to neglect to tell her that your date got shifted (convenient that you mentioned it to dad) thus having her spend the entire time without being able to see you at all. Mom, the woman you talked to three times total since you’ve been deployed for 6+ months, even though you were able to make time to talk to dad 3 times a week. OUR MOTHER, whom you consistently embarass and humiliate by breaking her heart over and over again, who is trapped in a cycle of either being a gullible idiot for allowing this whole thing to repeat, or an unfeeling bitch if she doesn’t turn her whole schedule upside down for you.

We all miss the hell out of you, but you are doing a damn good job of alienating 50% of your entire family in short order. I may have stood by and defended you in previous scheduling screw-ups, but not this time- you have a helluva lot of apologies to make before you go back to Iraq. :mad:

Why do you hate our brave fighting men and women?

Because by all indications this particular brave fighting man is being a complete asshat. :rolleyes:

Asshattery notwithstanding (or the presumed asshatness thereof), I can sympathize with your brother. When I first got back, the last thing I wanted to do was be around people–let alone have a damned party thrown for me. I was around people and noise constantly. I never had a single day I couldn’t have some privacy. I imagine your brother is feeling the same way: just wants some semblance of control over a few measly days of his leave.

I’ve voiced to my opinions to my mother, who once pulled this sort of thing before I left. On my return, I made it a point to disappear from society completely, by camping out of my pickup truck for two weeks. It was great! I panned for gold, ate steaks over campfires, and just got away.

This may just be the one little rebellious streak your brother has to break himself free of his deployment. Give him a break on this one–he’s earned it.

Tripler
Been there before, I’ll be there again. . .

I’m not saying he’s not acting like an asshole - clearly he is - but it really looks like your brother just isn’t interested in hanging out with your mother. That’s his right, and he has no obligation to explain why to you. There are family members I choose not to hang out with, too.

From your post, it sounds like she’s been making plans that include him without so much as a by-your-leave. Maybe she should stop scheduling family parties and airport meet-ups until he specifically asks for them. It would be polite of him to make it clear if he doesn’t want parties thrown for him, but he probably feels guilty about being quite that confrontational.

I realize that it’s painful for her (and presumably you) to let go, but if he’s not interested in continuing the relationship and has made that perfectly clear, then continuing to push him to attend family events is just guilt-mongering. We don’t get to dictate other people’s affections.

mischievous

Why do you hate freedom?

Ok, that may be true but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t just TELL her beforehand that his flight was changed or that he didn’t want a party when she first mentioned it. Granted, we only have half the story but it doesn’t seem like it’s likely he told her he didn’t want either the party or his family to welcome him home. It’s like he is completely self-absorbed and that he would much rather spend time with his dad and their family than with his mother and hers. Again, it IS his choice, but there’s no reason he shouldn’t tell his mother that.

As the relative of a young person, recently returned from Iraq, of divorced parents, one of whom is demanding and manipulative, I think the OP’s brother is both a jerk and a whimp.

Begging out of a long-planned event in his honor at the last minute is just … inexcusable. If he’s old enough to fight for his country, he’s old enough to say either, ‘No, Mom, I don’t want a big party’, or ‘No, Dad, I have to be at Mom’s that day.’

And waaay to old to be asking a sibling to run interference for him.

It sounds like Sonny has a whole lot of growing up to do. Sure, he might want to have his leaves to himself, and his mom might be making plans without consulting him, but taking an earlier flight and not telling the people you knew were waiting for you is just plain rude. I think bro and mom need to have a chat, and figure out how to do this better. If your mom is making all these plans without asking him if he has any interest in it, she needs to stop doing that. And he needs to stop acting like a four year old.

I think if he can’t get the guts to say he doesn’t want to hang out with her or her family, he should just humor her, since he wins out anyway (gets to get birthday and xmas gifts combined, gets to hang out with me which I know he wants, etc.) She made these plans so that many people in her family who miss him as well would get a chance to see him.

If this were any other time when he was at home and didn’t want to spend time with my mom, I would say that while its harsh on my mom (who misses the hell out of him constantly, since he normally lives 4 hrs away) its his call since he can’t exactly be forced to spend time with anybody. But since he’s on leave, and this two-week window will be the last we see of him until well into 2008 lots of my folks want to say hi in person before he has to go back.

Personally, I’m kind of wondering if he feels that my mom’s family is less approving of him joining the military, and he’s fearful they’re going to trash on him for his decision. In spite of that, however, they miss him more than anything, and they’ll just be happy to see him. I’m going to try to talk to him this afternoon to hopefully explain the situation, so things get somewhat mended before he has to leave again.

This was never all that clever to begin with, and it’s really gotten tiresome.

Seriously, this is just as irritating and pointless as all those French “jokes” a couple of years ago when any crudely insulting remark about the French was considered terribly witty. It’s time to give it a rest.

Why do you hate humor?

I realize your mom doesn’t want to give up on her son, but he’s made it abundantly clear in his actions for years that he doesn’t want to see her. Yet she keeps setting herself up for disappointment, heartache, and embarassment by expecting him to act differently.

You’ve got a little Camembert clinging to your moustache mousquetaire there, Pierre.

You’re still thinking about this in terms of him owing your family members some time, not what he wants to do. If partying with your family isn’t the most fun for him, he doesn’t owe you any time - particularly out of a very short amount of leave. The fact that he “wins out” by getting presents is clearly not his first priority, nor should it be yours.

I absolutely agree that he should be clearer about his intentions - if he wants to not spend time with his mother’s side of the family, he should grow enough of a pair to say so. Leaving people hanging is rude. But, seeing as you say this has been going on for 15+ years, you might take the hint.

Likewise, it sounds like your mother has a role in this scenario. You say she “misses the hell out of him constantly” because he “lives 4 hours away”, and that the news of his deployment made her “sick with grief and would go into crying jags if someone even mentioned it”. This seems, to me, desperately clingly for a mother to be about a grown son. Many people live many miles away from their families without causing them constant pain. I don’t know your family, but it seems not unlikely to me that your mother’s neediness could be part of why your brother doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with her. It also probably plays a role in why he’s unwilling to be more blunt about event planning.

Why don’t you talk with him, and see what he really wants to do? Perhaps he doesn’t want to have a huge big deal with your entire side of the family, but he would be happy to spend some private time with you and/or your mother. Maybe he really doesn’t want to spend time on the road, but would be pleased to see you if you and mom could go to his place. Maybe he doesn’t want to see mom at all, in which case you all need to come to terms with that.

Sorry to be so blunt about that, but we all know people who have decided (for good or bad reasons) that their families are not providing what they need emotionally, and have moved on to other sources. It only prolongs the pain and discomfort on both sides to try to force or guilt-trip him into spending time with you. If you let him go, it’s entirely possible that he’ll come back to you later.

mischievous

Um, I don’t think you should. Just put your foot down, keep your mouth shut, and make them work it out.

Why do you hate spelling?

One question: did your bro ever, at any point say something along the lines of “Yes, mom. I’ll be there.”?

If he did, then he’s a three-star dickhole. If not, just a Major Dickhole.

Either way, he should have the balls to talk directly to her and explain, apologize or tell her to fuck off directly, instead of this passive-aggressive bullshit.
Sure, he has the right to do as he wishes on his leave. I don’t think anyone would deny him that. But he should be grown-up enough to communicate that and prevent your mother from going out of her way (which he knew she was doing) for something he has no intenion of participating in.

ISTM he blames your mother for the divorce, and is trying to punish her by making her go out of her way for nothing. But that could just be my inner armchair therapist talking.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t let this pass. Did you notice the bit about him being shipped off overseas to Iraq? Where we’re at war? And a death by “gittin’ blowed up” isn’t unlikely?
I dare you to have a child go off to war and spend your days whistling contentedly.

The guy is a dick, but I think the major problem here is mom’s unreasonable expectations of his son the dick being something other than the dick he has always been.