Here’s the thing. Ms. QuickSilver and I agree completely that her sister needs to hear certain things in no uncertain terms. Things that have needed saying for a long time and no-one has had the will to come right out and say them to her face because: a) they will not be pleasant to hear, and b) because they will cause her initial hurt, and c) no-one wants to be the bad guy.
I volunteered to be the bad guy and put together a very direct, brutally honest, take no hostages letter. I signed it alone. My lovely bride believes that once her sister reads it she will stop speaking to me and probably her as well. It may be true but I think she under-estimates the relationship between her sister and I. I have always been direct and honest with her. She may not like what I have to say but at least she knows where I stand and how I feel. Plenty of people in her family have been handling her with kid gloves all her life. Perhasp it’s part of the problem.
Cutting to the chase, my wife thinks we should post the letter unsigned to her sister from a neutral postal location so that she will not know who it came from. What needs to be said will have been said while the source will remain undisclosed. (Personally, I think she will suspect me anyway but may not come right out and say it.) This way, it’s the contents of the letter that she will have to deal with and not the sender’s motives.
Depends on said Sister-In-Law, as well as what you mean by “work.” Personally, I think it would be better if you (and preferably Mrs. Quicksilver) signed it, because then the sister will be able to discuss the contents of the letter, something she might not feel comfortable doing if it’s sent anonymously. And it seems as if this is something that will be painful to her, that whatever needs to be said needs to be discussed before she changes whatever needs to be changed, which I’ll assume is the overall goal.
So, if you think things just “need to be said” then, yes, an anonymous letter will serve the short term goal of actually saying it. If you want to actually convince her of something, by all means sign it. Or better yet, arrange an actual face to face talk. I’m personally brutally honest almost to the point of sadism if the occasion requires it, so take that with a grain of salt, but it’s often the most effective approach. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.
Knowing next to nothing about the situation at hand, I’ll just hazard the notion that in general I think most people are much more likely to pay attention to a message from a known source.
Yea, ** Quicksilver**, my opinion and advice would be radically different for different things.
for example, you may think your SIL desperately needs to be told in no uncertain terms that the Flourescent pink and green muumuu she wears is horribly outdated as a fashion statement. My advice then, would be to hold your tongue.
OR you may think your SIL needs to be told that everyone in the family thinks she has a serious drinking problem. IN which case, I’d suggest an in person intervention with the whole family would have a better chance of working.
See the problem?
I should have been more specific I guess. The letter’s content is not a side issue and will not come across as commentry out of left field. It deals directly and explicitly with a very important issues in her life at present. They are an estranged and abusive husband with whom she is somewhat unilaterally seeking reconcilliation (Stockholm syndrome someone suggested) and the impact that will have on her and more importantly her two young kids (both fathered by said husband).
My opinion is that the letter should arrive signed. I am willing to be the bad guy here. Mrs. QuickSilver is not that comfortable with confrontations of this type and is worried about jeopardizing her relationship with her sister.
QuickSilver, the annonymous message may not have the same weight as a direct one from a family member. The person you are refering to (if it’s the same one you posted about previously) needs a good hard knock on the head, not an annonymous message. If you think she will suspect you, what’s the point of noth coming right out and saying it? Also, if she is convinced it’s you, it will only make her more upset that you would try to disguise the thing.
If you want to keep your wife out offf it, you could have a direct conversation with your SIL and tell her your wife did not approve of it. But say what you have to say, and the more forceful the better. Also, in person is better than a letter (phone call if in person is not possible).
If you think it will hurt her, imagine how you would feel if you received a hurtful letter like that through the post & the person sending it didn’t even have the guts to put their name on it, just sniped at you anonymously…
Besides the hurt factor, if it is anonymous, she could easily dismiss it as someone being a jerk and convince herself that the things in it aren’t true, so you won’t have changed anything.
If you can stand to do it,I’d go see her privately and ask her to read the letter, say you think that she needs to know it & you don’t have the words to say it, so you have written her a letter to say it clearly. Ask her to read it. Then if she hates you, you re still there & can talk it over <or get your face slapped ;( >, explain anything she has questions about, whatever. But I think anonymous letters are a fairly crudy way to do things, particularly if, as you say, she will probably suspect you anyway - you’ll be the jerk that sent her the anonymous letter. That has to be worse for a relationship than something open.
BUT I have never sent nor received an anonymous letter, & I don’t know her as well as you do,so it’s up to you. Butif you want some additional argument to convince your wife that you should sign it, use this freely.
Yeah Sili, we’re still going around the same old may pole. I’m pretty close to just throwing up my hands in the air about this entire thing. Next time somebody brings her up as a subject I’m stiking by fingers in my ears and singing la-la-la-la-la at the top of my lungs.
I’m not used to not dealing with problems directly and efficiently.
I agree with this. In fact, if this is something the whole family can get involved with, get as many signatures as you can. Getting a letter signed by 20 loved ones might wake her up. Plus, she can’t single one accuser out that way.
Wish the family intervention thing was possible. Affraid it’s not. They are the archetypical family which will stare that elephant in the room square in the butt and pretend it’s not there while they step around the elephant droppings.
I’m affraid I’m on my own here and frankly the more I think about it the less I begin to care. After all, I’m just the in-law family member. They may all begin to resent me for stirring up a perfectly good dysfunctional situation.
Might it also help to include information about how abusive relationships harm children? Even just the anecdotal stuff makes me feel sick to my stomach. Our local domestic abuse shelter has some programs for kids, and recently they were working with kids on life goals. The kids were saying things like “When I grow up, I don’t want to be a daddy. Daddies hit.” Isn’t that nice?
I recently confronted someone on an email list about this. I didn’t give a crap about her (she was a real piece of work any way you looked at it) but I was sick about her kids. By staying in her marriage she was teaching her girls that it’s okay to for a man to abuse a woman. She was seriously compromising their chances to have healthy relationships in the future. I asked her if she’d stay in a marriage if doing so meant she’d have to cut off her kids’ left arms. Because she’s doing the same thing–crippling them–only the damage is less visible, and can last for generations.
She left our list over it, and a bunch o’ people were peeved at me. But damnit, just sitting back and politely saying nothing is unconscionable. I did that for 18 months with her, and I finally got the balls to say something. For every damaged person out there, there’s a neighbor, family member, or friend who knew what was going on and didn’t do anything.
So this is a long-winded way to say you’re doing the right thing. My advice on how to do it best? Not sure. Except there are some hard facts out there which could be part of your letter, if you haven’t already included them.
I say get rid of the letter altogether and go talk to her face to face. It’s better to get everything, good and bad, out into the open and deal with it directly. What if you send the letter annonymously… how will you even know if she even reads past the first line. She may read part of it, not like what she’s reading, and throw it away. What have you accomplished then? Nothing. She’s probably not going to tell anyone that she got the letter and if she does she probably won’t tell anyone what was in it.
If you talk to her face to face you have a better chance of getting her to see your point of view. Try not to be too judgemental and just get it out there.
Good luck! Let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out.
If the SIL really is involved in/addicted to an abusive relationship she is going to need a lot of help and support from people she can depend on. She’s not going to get this from an anonymous letter.
“I’m not used to not dealing with problems directly and efficiently.”
Quicksilver, you need to grow up and stop living in a soap opera. She’s not going to read any letter you or anyone else could come up with signed or unsigned and see the error of her ways. What she needs are a lot of people - the whole stupid, stinkin’ family - offering their support (emotional and financial) to her and her kids while she’s getting out of her bad situation.
It’s 100% or nothing = screw the letter. Anything else just makes it worse.
Quicksilver - I feel for you, hon. My husbands family sounds similar to your in-laws. I get sick of trying to be the voice of reason.
I’m wondering what good it will do to point out the problem here? Sounds to me that everybody wants the problem fixed, but no one except you and Mrs.Silver can make the effort to do anything about it. Little Red Hen Syndrome. I’m inclined to think that if you and the Missus let SIL know she needs to clean her act up, she will just puff up, get mad, and do nothing. And then the rest of the fam will not second you, so you will be left with your hinie in the wind.
If you do decide to send a letter,though, please have someone sign it. Getting an anonymous letter in the mail telling her to get it together might just frighten the SIL. If she knows someone in the family sent it, at least then she wont be afraid she has a stalker or something.
Situations like this are so rough for everyone involved–I truly feel for you and your family. But my only suggestion is to pin-point your motive. If you are acting out of genuine care for this person/her kids, then act in that manner. In a manner that a person who cares about another would act. Personally. Gently. The more irritated you get about this, the less concern you’ll feel and eventually you’ll find yourself just shaking your head and walking away. That doesn’t sound like you or how you’d like to handle this.
If you’re motivated by the fact that no one else will do it, then it is sure to be taken in a hostile light and do little or no good. A letter out of nowhere will only alarm and upset this person. That’s not really what you sound like you want.
If you cannot speak with her–I’m a weenie, myself, I couldn’t do it–then give her the letter as fierra suggested, and give her the opportunity of responding in person. She may really need to talk about it.
I believe that if you bring up the safety of her children, you really need to be sensitive to not making her feel like a bad parent on top of all the other stuff she’s going through. If you say you want to help, be willing to actually help. Be willing to be there during the ugly bits–most people shy away and that’s mainly why they won’t bring it up in the first place. They don’t want to make themselves available to uncomfortable situations.
I think perhaps it might be nice for her to see how a man should treat a woman (and moreso a person should treat a person). And that she deserves kind and loving treatment–if, as you say, her husband is not a good example of this.
I’ll stop rambling. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Yeah Cranky. The kid stuff is in there. Sickens me to think about it.
Rachelle - not sure how I can bring off all I want to say without sounding judgemental. Perhaps I should start off the letter with “This is just a suggestion but,…”. Nope. Doesn’t quite work.
I’ve tried the “in person, face to face” approach. The more I talk the quieter she gets until it becomes a one sided conversation with me feeling like I’m talking to the wall.
Dang, I understand completely, and feel for your wife and you. I hate lecccturing people, and try to avoid it when possible. But if your family can’t talk to you who can? Since you seem to care and are willing to say what needs to be said, you may be her only chance. Think about the alternative - nothing changes, nothing improves, kids get shafted.
Good luck man, I hope you can have a positive influence on the situation.
Your wife is more concerned about HER relationship with said sister that her sister’s health/well-being/kids/life.
Have a private talk with SIL, send her a letter, whatever. Get the message across and she will thank you for it in the long run.*
(* I have only one friend that told me my ex was a bastard and that I should leave him. Everyone else kept their mouths shut or worse. I was pissed at the time, but I got over it and realized she was right. I’ll always love her for giving me the support no one else did.)
Quicksilver, I can appreciate what you are going through. My younger-sis2world has been staying with me off and on while her hubby is in jail for beating her, again. She has left him before. I have told her she needs to divorce him, and I do know that he will probably try to kill her when he gets out of jail as well as try to get back together with her and might succeed on either one. My older-sis2world has permanent leg damage from where her hubby tried to kill her. She finally left him after 25 years.
I suggest you talk to SIL rather than a letter, but keep on good term with her because if she goes back to him she will need somewhere to go when she has to leave him again. Try to be a good example for the kids so that they can learn that violence is not acceptable from normal people. But, you must be supportive.
This problem is an illness that is affecting both of them, his for being abusive, hers for allowing it to continue. These men will beat the wife, then when the wife either leaves or threatens to leave goes into what is called the “honeymoon” phase, they are NICE. Flowers, candy, romance, everything a woman thinks she wants. Then the cycle starts again. Thank God this illness passed me by. It is a hard situation you face. Don’t give up. Her and the kids need your support, just don’t be surprised if she goes back to him.
I suggest you not only talk to her in person, but that you bring along the name and phone number of a therapist that may be able to help her decide what’s best. Rather then just presenting a problem to her, it would feel more like you’re offering a solution.