And that may be the best option of all!
Ok. I am not mailing this letter for a few days, until I’ve had time to think about it, so I welcome all other opinions. This is an extremely touchy subject and I can’t change how she reacts, only how I present myself - and I’d like to present myself accurately.
Kunilou, glee, I see what you are saying. I will most likely go that route.
I am going to put in another vote for kunilou’s edit. You are being the bigger person here. Just apologize and accept the responsibility even if you did not incur all of it.
Sometimes, relationships require that we swallow a lot of our own pride.
Can I make a related, but not necessarily germaine, point that your OP brings up for me?
In an imperfect world, *honesty *is not an absolute good. In a perfect world, the truth would always be right and good. But in the real world, the people around you often create a situation, that may involve you, in which unthinking truthfulness does more harm than good. There are obvious extremes: if you’re hiding Jews in your attic, you lie to the Gestapo. Again, extreme, but an example of how other people can entrap you in a situation where honesty is *not *the best policy.
In the situation described by the OP, I feel like your unwavering–perhaps even unthinking–absolute adherence to *honesty *despite the circumstances reads a little bit like selfishness: you decided that your need to be honest was more important than comforting your cousin at a time when she needed to be comforted. It’s possible in the situation you described–I don’t know you well enough to suggest any more than a possibility–that you might have used honesty as a cover for a little passive-aggressive behavior toward your cousin.
Of course I may be projecting; I’ve certainly found myself doing this; using honesty as a weapon.
Again, not being intimately familiar with the specific situation I can only speak in abstracts. But in times of crisis honesty is not always the most comforting thing you can offer a loved one; sometimes that must wait until the crisis is passed and heads are clearer.
Aanamika I’m not saying you shouldn’t say how you feel to your cousin-sister, but I urge you not to say it in a letter.
Heart to heart conversations are best done face-to-face, where each of you can see the expressions, hear the tone and pick up the body langauge of the other language. They can (and probably should) be a time for tears, hugs, comforting touches and spontaneous outpourings of affection and commitment.
Certainly you need to say what needs to be said. But when you deliver tough love in a letter, it emphasizes the tough more than the love.
Maybe a letter can help build a bridge between you and your cousin, but if you really want to heal the wounds, sooner or later you’re going to have to cross the bridge and do it together.
I just can’t badmouth one of my family members to another, even if they are asking me to over and over, even if they need it for comfort. And that’s how the honesty thing started - keep asking me, over and over, “Don’t you think he’s a dick? Don’t you? Don’t you?”
Besides, if you ask me to tell you my honest opinion, I WILL. It pisses me off that I should be expected to lie or fudge for social graces. I do all the time when I am not asked, but if the person directly comes out and asks me what i think, and won’t let me get away with an evasive answer, they’ll hear it.
They lied every moment to me and to each other and to everyone all my life when I was with them. I know the truth is worth more than that.
kunilou, she lives in Colorado. Face-to-face no can do. I have tried calling but they do not pick up my calls and do not return them. I suppose I could leave a message to the effect of the letter…
One more thing. I do not expect any kind of lovey-dovey relationship to stem from all of this, even if she does forgive me. We haven’t had that in a very long time. How can we, when they disapprove of every choice I’ve ever made?
But, there isn’t any reason for us to be fighting either. Or not talking to each other. Silent treatment is their favorite schtick. Immaturity is their callsign. They love big dramatic scenes - I don’t. I like life to just move along, smoothly. We all disagree at times…that shouldn’t automatically mean a “I am never talking to her again!”
Le sigh.
Sometimes, a letter is the best way to go. This is one of those cases.
’Mika needs to say what she needs to say, and it sounds like Didi the Diva would find something to flip her nut about long before she can get to the end.
Also, sometimes when we’re talking with family, we kind of revert to childhood roles a little bit. This would be especially bad for her in this case.
So this is clearly one of those cases when you just have to get out the box of Crane’s paper and a decent pen and hand things over to the U.S. Postal Service.
’Mika, you sure you WANT to repair bridges with her? She sounds really toxic.
If I understand Mika’s family dynamics, breaking up with everybody who can at times be toxic would mean… breaking up with everybody.
That’s very, very hard to do.
And as some people mentioned, she’s come here looking for our support on something she’s already decided she wants to do (patch up that bridge), not to have people tell her she shouldn’t.
Yeah, I know. It just seems like working really hard to invite more abuse and drama.
She’s going to keep running into her cousin-sister, tdn. The idea is, since there will be drama anyway, to minimize it.
I speak as a fellow from the same culture :), I dont know how much of this will make sense, but if you want the relationship dynamics to change, you gotta do it from the inside. Not outside looking in. If they matter to you, then you gotta take seriously what they take seriously. You may not agree or think it exactly the right thing to do but you do what you can anyway. Once you are “in”, you change things slowly, imperceptibly, not hoping for radical changes, but small baby steps.
There is a risk that they can change you 
and you’ll be a behenji 10 years from now. But if they matter, you have to take the risk.
When you are outside looking in, they “worry” about you, and “talk” about you and nothing you say has any meaning. You gotta earn your worthiness points first before they start actually listening to you.
And also - when somone calls me to cry about relationship trouble, i’d say very little of note, empathise a lot and be thankful that i am not on the other end of the line. If your cousin is an adult herself [like you], she knows how the cookie crumbles. Was she really calling you for logical reasoning? Or did she need some acceptance from someone who has a relationship a bit outside the norm [by a specific cultural standard], embarking on a divorce herself?
I know all this is unsolicited advice - so please disregard if entirely irrelevant.
I am afraid that I must respectfully disagree with the other posters. Do not send this letter because it will not help. While writing it may have helped you get some things of your chest, and there is value there, at the moment the letter will just cause more problems.
You need to decide what you want with this letter. You can be right or you can apologize. You really can’t do both. At the moment the letter reads like some of those “I’m sorry if what I said offended you” kinds of statements.
What the letter needs to do is simply say “I am sorry that I offended you with what I said.” Do not then go on to justify what you said. From there on out never again let her draw you into it.
They are. You know?
But at the same time, we had a sort of tentative relationship going on that I was content with. I would call them to gossip, or maybe ask advice about a recipe, or maybe translation on a song. We talked about once a month and that was good enough for me. I can limit my contact to them and not get wrapped up in their toxicity.
And I haven’t lost contact completely. I did just send a rakhi - a bracelet to celebrate the brother-sister relationship - to her husband, with a nice note in it. I asked him how she took it, and he said she was happy that I remembered him.
I think I will go with something akin to kunilou’s letter. I will extend the olive branch because I should apologize. I did hurt her feelings after all.
It is difficult as hell to wash away all of the millions of times they hurt my feelings without caring, hence this thread. But a simple apology is warranted and hopefully she’ll take it in the spirit it was meant.
mallurox, I don’t know. Here is the status of the relationships in my family:
Adopted Mother & father - arranged marriage, can’t stand each other. She kicks him out every so often and he goes off to India, then the house gets messy (he’s the cleaner) so she calls him back.
These two, Didi and her husband - major, major marital troubles to the point where he deliberately got into the trucking business to be away from home for a week at a time.
Aunt - never married.
Biological mother - husband was a wife-beater who is dead.
Everyone else close to me is in India. So I’ve never been asked for relationship advice before. And I admit I also kind of felt - you made bad decision on top of bad decision, you know, trying to get him into this country, marrying him even when you didn’t love him, to get him into this country, and now it’s coming back to bite you in the ass!
It is good to get some of these feelings out here. I never let on, by the way that I thought their marriage was foolish. When they broke it to me, they were so nervous about telling me and I, after a moment’s pause, immediately said, “That’s great! Good for you.” And they were geuninely surprised because apparently lots of people disapproved of them. It’s none of my business but neither am I surprised to see this day. They’re 18 years apart people! He’s younger - he wants kids, they can’t have them.
Yakkity yak…apparently I just can’t stop. Thank you everyone. I will send nothing but a very simple apology letter, with the acknowledgement of what she has done for me, and nothing more. And then we’ll see where that goes.
Le sigh. I want a cookie. Canihaveacookieplease?
Anaamika - Well … i was a bit off base with my assumptions wasnt i ? There’s not a lot left to say. Do hang in there.
Yes, you can have a cookie. Have three. Sorry I can’t send them to you over the internets.
Best wishes to you.
bakes Anaamika a batch of cookies
Oatmeal-Raisin with nuts OK?