Yeah. I’m glad you’ve decided against it.
Upon reading what others have written, I tend to agree that you shouldn’t get in touch. In your circumstances, it’s likely to lead to pain for everyone involved.
IMHO though, it shows good character that you are feeling the way you do. Perhaps instead of looking back with apologies, look forward and perform a random act of kindness?
So weird. I attended my 20 year high school reunion, and one guy (that I completely don’t remember. At .All.) remembered me. Actually asked me for a ride home (which I gave him). I think he was interested in hooking up – I wasn’t – so nothing came of it. Memory is a funny thing. Like I had NO memory of this guy. Not his name. Not his face. Not him being in classes he said we had together. But the funniest thing? He had the same name as a boyfriend of mine (with a one letter spelling difference).
Is the apology you intend to make for you or her?
This is important becuase it will need to be composed in a way that reflects that.
If it won’t cause further harm to anyone to make the apology then you should, and you should be sure that it won’t cause that harm when you do.
You feel the need. They may or may not respond. They may or may not be receptive. They may or may not feel better. It may not matter or be much. But if you aren’t causing harm then the scale is 0-10. Meh - OMG. Why wouldn’t you then?
Because it’s the height of arrogance to think they are thinking about you, or want to be reminded about you, or forced to deal with your belated guilty conscience, whatever the motive, 40 years on.
That is quite an interesting point of view — the height of arrogance. This is all about her and the pain she experienced back then, and me trying to make amends for that hurt.
You think she’s still thinking about that 40 years later? What do you know about the kinds of things she’s had to deal with or is dealing with right now that would make what you want to dredge up in any way meaningful or helpful? Look, if she reached out to you about this, by all means, try to make amends. But this is about you and what you think she needs or wants or has been waiting to hear from you for 40 years. Come on.
If she reached out to me, by your logic you would call that the height of her arrogance. I would call it nice.
As for the rest, believe what you want, knock yourself out.
That is, the TV is watching her…
I think that it depends on what you did.
If it was something relatively minor like standing her up or not calling, then I don’t think that you should apologize.
But, since you still remember what you did 40 yrs later and still feel slightly guilty about it, that leads me to believe that whatever you did was pretty hurtful, so I think it is a good idea to apologize.
If you do apologize, I wouldn’t add the part about being happily married/no ulterior motives because, IMO, it gives the impression that you think that she’s so hard up and desperate that she’ll immediately be open to a romantic relationship with you after 1) no contact for 40 yrs and 2) your last contact with each other being your poor treatment of her…
If you do end up apologizing, I hope that you’ll update this thread to let us know how it went.
Another, perhaps slightly harsh, take on it: either she has moved on from whatever the 40-year-old incident was, or she hasn’t. If she has, she doesn’t need your apology and it is likely to only serve to bring back painful memories for no real gain. If she hasn’t - well, she probably has more issues than you are capable of solving. Therefore, either way it’s a bad idea.
I concur with everyone.
With one caveat: do you owe her something tangible, and particularly valuable? Did you total her car, and skip town, or steal a very significant sum of money from her? Can you send her a cashier’s check without seeing her in person? Include interest.
If the “debt” in entirely emotional, though, just let it go. Either she is over it, in which case, you’ll be dredging up something better left alone, or she has been stewing about it for 40 years, in which case, she probably doesn’t want an apology-- she wants you to hurt.
Basically, I can’t think of any wound 40 years old that could be covered by a mere apology, unless it’s something that is pretty much healed anyway.
I would not want to receive such an apology. I would feel like I need to acknowledge it somehow, and there arent many past amours I’d want to revisit. My life has turned out better without her, and hers probably as well.
Don’ get me wrong, I still love (nearly) all of them, and I’d make them feel warm and comfortable in a chance encounter. But don’t force one…
I owe them the honor of thinking they have gotten over it and done well without me.
That’s a good point. You either have to forgive, or not forgive, and if you choose not to, you will seem petty and vindictive, no matter how grievous the hurt. If you do forgive, if might feel coerced, and then you end up feeling victimized all over again. If you do honestly forgive, it is a zero-sum game for you.
Really, unless she is owed a huge sum of money, which you return, there’s no way this could turn a positive for her.
The debt is not material, it’s emotional.
I was all set to come in to say that this looks like a major red flag and to ‘let it go’, but dalej42 beat me to it. It’s 2020, not 1980 and times have changed. While looking someone up might not be stalking, contacting them crosses a line.
Who was it up above who said to write out a letter long-hand, burn it, and then scatter the ashes while wishing her well…? That’s good advice.
Then the above point is even more relevant.
Allow her the dignity and respect that as an emotionally adjusted adult she’s long since moved on and isn’t even thinking about you or whatever happened a half a lifetime ago.
The OP hits home for me. I struggle with pretty much the same thing, wanting to apologize to a girl who treated me a lot better than I treated her. I think you have to weigh the possible outcomes- will she react negatively, what will the potential outcomes be, could you, her, or either of your relationships be disrupted, all that stuff. I think first do no harm, if there’s any risk to reaching out then don’t.
Okay. And are your motives the same as the OP?:
…Or something different?
Because I think everyone understands regret; wishing that one had said or done something differently. But this sounds very much to me like an exercise in seeking forgiveness for oneself wrapped in the guise of relieving the wronged party of an imagined emotional burden. Barring unforgivable wrongs, the price of having hurt someone is living with those regrets, not unburdening yourself decades later onto the person you hurt in the first place. And again, how do you know they’re even still thinking about you?
Like I said, if you have some guilt for which you want to atone, then make a charitable contribution to a cause connected to the bad behavior. If you (for the sake of an example) kicked her dog, give some money to an animal shelter and move on. Leave her alone.