I disagree.
I am in a very similar situation as the OP. Leaving my wife would have a devastating effect on our youngest child. It’s better to do something once he’s off to college.
You? Yes. You have a duty of disclosure to your insurer. You didn’t have a choice whether to disclose the collision.
What’s wrong with YOU, that you can’t clean the house or tidy up? You’re an adult, aren’t you? If you don’t like the housekeeping, then do it yourself. You sound particularly lazy. (see? what makes HER lazy and not you?)
You sound entitled, judgmental, and hostile. I think she’d be better off without you.
Bullshit.
This argument assumes that staying together is what is best for the child, even if the parents themselves are miserable. This is a false assumption.
My wife’s parents were extremely hateful to each other. They made each other miserable. First the children had to be spectators to it, then they became unwilling participants. She tells me over and over how much she wished they had divorced sooner. In her case, having one (relatively) happy parent was far superior to having two hateful, vindictive parents.
“Staying together for the child’s sake” is a bullshit idea if the child becomes collateral damage. It’s an arrogant assumption made by people who don’t consider whether - or to what extent - the child is suffering and learning bad lessons.
Of course, this false dichotomy says either stay together and be hateful and vindictive or leave and be loving and kind. I propose a third option, stay together and be loving and kind. It’s actually not as hard as it sounds. A great many people go through life without being hateful and vindictive towards people they no longer love. And of course, there is the fact that for a great many people they are quite hateful and vindictive towards their ex-spouse after a divorce as well.
It almost seems to me like the problem is ‘being hateful and vindictive’ rather than their living arrangement or formal acknowledgement of matrimonial union. I would say that a good first step would be counseling to no longer be hateful and vindictive, rather than a divorce attorney.
Why are you assuming all relationships are like this?
In my case, my wife and I are very civil to each other; there’s no hatred, abuse, arguing, or yelling. I simply don’t want to be with her anymore. Our 15 year old son is happy and content. While the current situation is not ideal, filing for divorce would rip his world apart, and that’s something I will not do. In my situation, it is better to make changes after he goes off to college.
I disagree with this rhetoric. Children are more resilient than parents often think. And then there’s the argument to be made that shielding your child from the realities of life and then releasing them off to college is a bad idea.
I seem to recall reading somewhere that one of the biggest predictors of a doomed relationship is contempt. Every thing the OP writes about his wife drips with contempt for her.
I disagree with the “NEVER”—not for any personal reasons, but because I’ve read expert opinions and studies that say that, sometimes, staying together is what’s best for the kids. Not always, though, and not in any situation where there’s abuse or open hostility.
You people…
“Staying together for the kids” is not universally right/wrong. If there is hostility and disrespect in the marriage, the kid will pick up on it. The kid will pick up that you’re staying together “for his sake”. The kid will come to realize you’re making yourselves miserable on his account. It will fuck with the kid. It will also teach the kid hostility and disrespect are tolerable in a relationship. On the other hand, if both parents have good and bad qualities that just don’t complement each other, it can be useful if the grown ups can grow up and reach a compromise that supports a mutually respectful relationship.
OP: You sound like Ward Cleaver without the fatherly wisdom. My wife doesn’t clean the house either, but I do because I’m good at it. Same with cooking and laundry. You want to talk football, or career planning, business, car shopping, dogs, interpersonal skills…you go to her, not me. In our marriage, our duties and skills rarely overlap. And rather than grouse about being the only one who does X, Y, Z we marvel at each other’s ability to do their particular bit. Many times a week we express gratitude to each other for being totes amazeballs, because “there is no way I could do what you do.”
Based only on what you’ve posted, mind you, you need to ask more of yourself and accept this marriage has given you a set of nontraditional roles. Look at everything going on, what you’ve posted here and what you haven’t, and decide what sort of a lesson you want to turn this into for your son.
My point was that you signed up for THIS, for her to be the way she is, not just for marriage in general.
“Basic expectations” is a bullshit complaint, when you knew ahead of time what she was going to be like.
Good for them, but that was not my wife’s situation.
WELL, NO SHIT. If they could stop being hateful, they wouldn’t have needed the divorce.
Why are you assuming I’m talking about all relationships. When I use words like “if…” or “in her case…” that is intended to make it clear that I am not talking about all relationships. Please re-read my post and try to identify conditional statements.
I stayed with my ex until our child was 17, thinking I was doing it for his benefit. After she left, the first conversation I had with the child included him asking “why did you wait so long?”. Although I always thought the two of them were close, he has not seen his mother since she left (his decision).
So don’t forget kids put on a brave face and hide their real feelings just like adults do. And keeping him in an unhealthy environment will only cloud his view of what a normal family should be like when he grows up.
OK, so OP, you’ve married a successful career woman, and now you want a house frau. I promise that six months into your clinging vine,house frau having existence you will be weeping for the good old days of a woman who shouldered the burden of providing for your family. I suspect that you also came up poor, while she may have been middle or upper class. This is a very common divide in such households.
If your problem was really with the housekeeping then you’d have hired a housekeeper long ago. You are not so poor that you had to choose your wife by her housekeeping skills. I’m betting that she has suggested this in the past and you have rejected the idea. Your problem is that you can’t make her do what you think she obviously should be doing. Well, she has a mind too.
There are many households within which the husband does the cooking. You take a look at each of your skills, divide up the jobs, and if there’s something both of you resent doing then you hire help.
None of this gets easier when you are supporting two households.
And where do you get off being resentful of helping your child with his homework? Why would that be more her responsibility than yours? You’ve contributed to a basic parenting task, Whoo! Hoo! Give the man a medal.
You come across as childish and narcissistic with an antiquated set of expectations based upon a household in which the woman does not work long hours outside the house. This is not an “attitude that comes from having a high paying job” it is a simple reality of the number of hours in a day.
And you say she is dumb/stupid but none of your examples support that. FNP classes are not easy; she can’t be stupid. I suspect that the real “I’m always right” attitude in the household is yours. Only you phrase it as “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me is too stupid to understand.”
You are the one who is having difficulty with the complexity of living with another person. Again, things that won’t be fixed by a change in partner. It’s never going to be a simple robot you are living with. You’ll have to accept another mind with separate ideas and priorities.
Hire a housekeeper.
Forbid yourself to think of her as stupid. Force yourself to keep in mind that intelligent, well-meaning people can disagree.
Accept that decent, well-raised people help the poor. Or the endangered species, or cleaning the oceans,whatever it is. Her putting in time on charity work is not stealing from you. It’s what decent people do.
Shoulder your burden in the relationship. Be an emotional and functional support to your wife and child. How long do you think it has been since she felt loved and appreciated? No one can be at their best in life without that. Stop being a resentful 13-year-old whining to his Mommy for more care. You are a grown man ferchissakes. Do you think that by leaving you will get her to come over and clean your place for you? No, you’ll be doing ALL of it. So try that now and see how it works for you.
And be a parent.You don’t get to leave because she’s not taking care of the household and parenting chores,and then leave the child with her. If you are fine with leaving him there then obviously she’s not completely neglectful.
“Staying together for the kids” only works if you still like and respect your spouse, even if you don’t regard them as a romantic partner anymore.
If you hate and despise your spouse, then go ahead and get a divorce. That won’t fix the hate and contempt, but at least you won’t be living with them anymore. Expect the friction to continue as you try to co-parent with someone you perceive to be despicable. Good luck with that.
To be fair some of what you say in your OP seems to be your problems, not her’s, but besides that I have read a news article recently that seems to indicate that the dividing the kid to two places (one the normal living place, the other is the every other weekend place, and one day a week) is not in the best interest of the child. It says where the parents can share time together as a family (family as far as the child goes), is better. However this only applies if the parents can be agreeable to the arrangement and not confrontational. From what I recall it does form a family in the mind of the child if the child has physical access to both parents at the will of the child. Again if no conflict or hard feelings remain (which it seems like how she is would put you on edge - so no go here as you state it).
Also living separate but under the same roof is very hard on both people. It’s sort of seeing but not being able to touch type of thing. This is not to do with a child, but a problem with separated adults.
How much housework, cooking, and childcare do you do? If you were to separate and/or divorce, would you seek a 50/50 custody arrangement for your child? Would you want primary custody? If not, why not?
Having said that, your contempt for her shines through in your posts. I’m surprised she hasn’t kicked you to the curb for that alone.
As above, this isn’t something to hash out on a message board unless the OP just wants validation for a decision that’s already been made.
There’s no real reason to believe the OP is objective or unbiased here. Actually, there’s every reason to believe emotion colors every statement. What can be concluded is that the OP is unhappy with the situation, and it’s not currently working as it is.
To the OP: seek professional help and involve your spouse and possibly your child in the process. A bunch of internet strangers aren’t going to have a good picture of your situation and can’t make any truly informed suggestions just from your side of the story.
ETA: to re-iterate - involve your spouse in the process. Springing a decision on your spouse without any consultation or discussion is rarely the best way to go about it.
This -
if she is awful, why would you “move on” and leave your child with her? What kind of person does that?
Some of this sounds like my wife but my wife doesn’t even have a job outside the home. So, to me, some of the expectations/demands seem a little much. Your wife has a significant career but you also expect her to perform housewife duties and throw dinner parties? Frankly, seems a little bit like you want it both ways and it’s not humanly possible. Or perhaps you are upset because you want your wife to not be a career woman and just stay home and clean and throw dinner parties. I’d be more embarrassed about the celibacy than lack of cooking skills, but maybe that’s just me. You don’t mention how much you clean or take care of the home. Do you really expect a FNP to do more work around the house and domestic chores than an engineer?
confusedguy, you say that you want to leave the relationship, but you are worried about leaving your son behind to her influence. Why is that your only option? Why don’t you leave and sue for full custody? or at a minimum of joint custody?