Is it wrong to deceive the dying for their peace of mind?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Suppose you have a very ill relative or friend who has longed for her whole life for some great cause – perhaps peace in the Middle East, or a cure for some disease, or some other cause. If the doctor informs you they are about to die, and will only be lucid for a few more hours, is it wrong to tell them a comforting lie? For example, would it be morally wrong to tell them a final peace treaty was signed between Israel and Palestinians? Or a cure for cancer has been found?

To me, it seems like the only way it would be morally wrong is if there were a chance of recovery, and they subsequently felt the dismay once they discovered the truth.

2

I don’t know about others but I’d never want to be lied to myself, not if I was still in my right mind. I’d never believe in peace in the Middle East anyway!:smiley:

But I did decieve an old woman once. I was working part time in a nursing home, in the kitchen. I hade to go to a special needs dining room to pick up some equipment, and while walking down the hall a little old lady in a wheelchair stopped me. She obviously had some form of mild dementia because she mistook me for a family member. She told me she heard my brothers and I had been fighting again and she wanted us to make up, for the sake of peace in the family. I knew in an instant that if I told her she was mistaken she would be confused and unhappy. So I hung my head and said “Yeah, I’ve been feeling bad about it, I’ll see what I can do” She went away happy.

The difference is if I was still mentally alert I would want and expect honesty. But I also think that keeping someone happy is a good thing too.

3

If you’re going to lie to this relative about major world news, they could easily find out the truth within the few hours they have left by checking the Internet, turning on the TV, or asking the hospital staff or other friends and relatives. For someone who’s devoted their life to cancer research then a sudden announcement that cancer has been cured probably isn’t even going to seem plausible.

There is a German movie with basically this premise, Goodbye Lenin, set right around the time of the fall of the Berlin Wall. The main character’s mother is dying, and as she is a loyal Communist he’s trying to shield her from the news. This proves to be more difficult than he thought – although his mother is bedridden, she can see a new Coca-Cola billboard going up outside her window.

4

I can’t think of any circumstances where my answer wouldn’t be yes. That of course doesnt mean such circumstances don’t exist, I just cannot think of what they might be.

5

Depends on the lie. When my uncle killed himself a few years ago, the family chose not to tell his 98-year-old mother, who was in failing health but still (mostly) lucid. I think she did figure out the truth before she died a few months later (hard not to, when everyone changes the subject every time she asks why “Uncle Bill” hasn’t called her in weeks) and even though a part of me thinks she may have appreciated the lie, that would never have been my call if it were up to me.

As for world events, well, I for one would hate to wake up in heaven, log in to CNN’s Interdimensional Edition and suddenly realize, “Hey, wait a minute…” Besides, when a loved one’s on their deathbed, who the fuck cares about Middle Eastern politics??

6

How come?

7

Because I cant imagine a situation where the temporary value gained from deceiving someone I care about would be worth altering the entire framework through which I had treated them, respected them and loved them for the entirety of our relationship.

8

If a loved one was in a car accident with another loved one who was killed and there was a good chance that they were going to die too, I would probably not tell them that so-and-so was dead. If they asked about them, I’d probably say something vague like “They are going to be alright”. But I’d withhold the harsh truth.

I would also lie to someone who was demented.

But I can’t see myself lying about world peace.

9

Okay, makes sense. To me, if I knew they were going to die very shortly, I might be tempted to tell a story if I thought it would make their last few hours better.

10

In the years before she died, my grandmother suffered from severe dementia. We never told her that my uncle, her youngest son, had died from colon cancer at age 67. It would have been terrible for her to hear, and she just would have forgotten it anyway.

So I think there is a difference when talking about someone dying who also has significant mental issues.

11

My comments were in reference to someone with full.mental function intact. With a family member/loved one who was somehow mentally compromised, I’d have a different answer.

12

I think it’s incredibly patronizing to attempt to deceive a mentally competent adult with fairy tales. Not bringing up news that would upset them is arguably just good manners, but if this person is lucid then wasting their final moments on bullshit is insulting.

13

::::SHIVER::::

Your thread has reminded me of one of my worst days as a caregiver. (I cared for my MIL, in our home, who had survived a stroke but was entirely bedridden, for six years. It was in the final couple of months, I was well experienced by then, weren’t nothing I hadn’t seen. Or so I thought.)

Her medication has been changed, I can’t recall why now. For reasons I never could pin down her every fear appeared to become manifest, one after another on endlessly. She wrang the blankets and her hands fiercely. All I could do was sit beside her, hold her hand and in calming tones tell her lie after lie, after lie. Each would allay her fear only momentarily, and in a blink she’d be struck with fear of some other stripe. She was near tears, in real agonies of fear, it was beyond heartbreaking.

9hours. Nine of the longest hours of my life. I didn’t leave her side but to get her food and meds. The intensity and onslaught of it was overwhelming, but it was just me, and so, on we went as the hours wore on. It was excruciating truly.

As my husband came through the door, I blurted out his instructions for taking my place and fled. I remember bursting from the house out into the snowy dark night. I had to walk and walk, trying to shake it off, not wanting to return.

I went to some friends who bundled me in, fed me tea and hugs, listened to me spill until finally I could cry. We all cried together until we began to laugh. And then I could breathe again, and shortly thereafter I became sorry for poor unprepared hubby who I had simply abandoned to the very hell I was fleeing.

Gathered myself up and marched back through the snow. Hubby was just fine, and the drug that had caused all this was beginning to wear off. Or maybe she was just exhausted by then. And it was over.

There was no time or point to try and tell her that her husband and her brother were both dead and not waiting at the train, and ‘they’ll be mad we’re late!’ Children in the street. Her son has a fever. I truly shiver to remember it, even all these years later. I never once stopped to consider whether it was right or wrong, to be honest. It was simply the only thing I could do that would give her any relief. So I did it.

14

My mother had alzheimer’s. We told her when my brother passed away. After that, whenever she asked about my brother, she was told that we hadn’t seen him in a while (he had lived several states away) but that he sends his love.

It would have been too cruel to make her go through the pain of finding out her son had died every time she asked about him. We opted for kindness.

15

What would be the value of the truth that can only hurt someone? if someone is near death (or demented) why add to their agony by telling them things that can hurt them? Your allegiance to “the truth” is admirable, but not when it causes pain and suffering.

16

I would lie like a rug. Real whoppers. Shamelessly tell them the tallest tales ever invented if I thought they’d believe it and it would make them happy. I see no harm in it.

17

Assuming full lucidity and memory, since I think we all agree that it’s different for patients with Alzheimer’s and dementia.:

First, I wouldn’t VOLUNTEER information, certainly not to lie. I would answer questions. If the dying patient asked me how the Mideast was, I would say something comforting, like, “It looks like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel.” I would try not to lie, not tell a whopper (especially something where the next visitor, or a look at CNN, would expose me as liar), but I would try to say things that were comforting and avoid saying things that would be agitating or disturbing.

There’s a difference between “not lying” and “being brutally honest.” I would try not to outright lie, but I would try to paint as rosy and comforting a picture as I could. And I would avoid saying anything that might cause distress or agitation. If that’s “deception” (as per the OP), then, yes, I would certainly deceive.

18

I had a patient with dementia whose son, her primary caregiver, overdosed her on sugar, called 911 while she was loopy from hyperglycemia, and then shot himself in the head after the ambulance took her safely away.

There was absolutely no way I was going to tell her family that she deserved the pain of hearing that truth every time she asked where “Johnny” was. They decided that Johnny had taken a job in another state and sent his love every time she asked. Which was multiple times a day. I fully supported their decision.

But, that’s not the OPs question. When of sound mind but momentarily failing body, I would stick with comforting and vagueing up bad news, not outright lies. Not because they have to live with discovering the truth, but because I would have to live with being the person who lies to dying people. I don’t want to be that person.

19

My mom passed away due to cancer a few years ago. My aunt had come from out of state, ostensibly to offer emotional support, a couple of weeks before. Rather than doing anything at all beneficial, my aunt went around my mom’s house picking out things of my mom’s she wanted. She kept asking if she could have this or that, noting she had just the perfect place to put something,or noting that she was the only one that something would have value to. She took some small things, my mom’s wedding ring and some other jewelry, my baby book, etc. that we didn’t notice until afterwards. She tried to get my mom to give her her car, which was the final straw for my brother. He confronted her and things got rather heated. She wound up flying back home without even telling my mom goodbye. The last time she saw my mom was on a Monday. My mom was lucid at the time and kept asking where my aunt was. We made up excuse after excuse, hoping to keep my mom from being hurt. We told her my aunt had just went out for coffee, she went to visit her cousin, she was wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to expose anyone to her cold, etc. By Thursday, my mom was mostly out of it when my aunt called and wanted to talk to my mom to say goodbye. My brother held the phone so my mom could hear but my mom turned her face away and just said, “No,” ignoring my aunt. I think she knew at that point that my aunt had left and that we’d lied to her. I don’t know if we did the right thing or not. We meant to spare my mom some heartache, but maybe if we’d told her we could have provided some comfort so she wouldn’t have had to come to the realization that my aunt had left on her own.

20

My Dad was dying.
He and I were alone, in the hospital room.
I told him that all his sons & daughter all still loved & respected him.

He was a better Dad than that. i wish it could have been true.