... Fear of germs, why these f***ing p**sies. You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. They cook the s*** out of everything now, because everybody's afraid of *food poisoning!*. Hey, where's your sense of adventure, take a f***ing chance, willya? You know how many people die from food poisoning in this country every year? *9000,* that's all, it's a minor risk. Take a f***ing chance, buncha G**d***ed p**sies.
Besides, whaddya think you have an IMMUNE system for? It's for *killing germs!* But it needs practice! It needs germs to practice on. So, listen, if you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, when germs do come along *you're not gonna be prepared.* And nevermind ordinary germs, what are you going to do when some SUPER virus comes along and turns all your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll TELL you what you're going to do, you're gonna get sick, and you're gonna die, and you're going to *deserve it,* because you're f***ing weak, and you've got a f***ing weak immune system.
Let me tell you a true story about immunization, OK? When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940’s, we swam in the Hudson River. And it was filled with raw sewage. We swam in raw sewage … y’know, to cool off! At that time, the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. NO ONE. EVER. You know why? Because we swam in raw sewage. It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer, we were tempered in raw shit!
So, personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor I PICK IT UP, AND I EAT IT! Yes, I do … even if I’m at a sidewalk cafe! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning, during a soccer riot!
And you know something, in spite of all that so-called “risky behavior,” I never get infections. I don’t get 'em! I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach. And you know why? 'Cause I got a good, strong immune system, and it gets a lot of practice.
[staccato military diction] My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully-automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes; and we have recently acquired phosphorus grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines.[/staccato military diction]
So, when my white blood cells are on patrol, reconnoitering my bloodstream, seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any - ANY! - suspicious looking germs of any kind, they DON’T F*** AROUND! They whip out the weapons, they wax the mfer, and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warnings, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” s*. First offense, BAM!, into the colon you go!