So yesterday was my first exam, and I was in my typical, nervous, fretty mood. What if I have forgotten some important formulas? Worse, I haven’t been able to perform well under duress lately and is really out of shape when it comes to examinations – it is my first major examinations for three years. Can I cope with the pressure? Manage the time properly?
Among all the fretting, worrying and pondering, suddenly one small, still voice came through. “Why are examinations important?” Sounds like a dumb question, isn’t it? Examinations are important because…they are! (Yeah, guess I am kind-of dumb). That, and besides it decide my final grade, whether I’ll pass or fail and what class of honours I would get.
But is that really important? All of a sudden I feel very weary of all this academic paper chase. I used to be a straight As student before entering university, and getting fails and Ds for my subjects was something that is threatening to me. Oh dear, last time I was the cream of the crop, now I am the rejects among with the leftovers and remainders. I need my As and disctinctions, dammnit!
But on that day, as I fret and worried and pondered, I wondered why do I need those sparkling As for. Oh my gosh. I am twenty-three. Is my self worth really that dependent on what grades I get? Is being happy and getting good grades dependent? Why am I beating myself up for careless mistakes and failing to meet other’s expectations?
I can’t be getting As forever - I know that. I wish I am one of those brainy kids who knows everything. But I’m not – I am totally not in my elements this time round - mathematics. Why shall I beat myself up over it?
And if it’s something in my elements, why shall I be so concerned? I know I am good at programming - I done projects and I have programs that work. Why shall I be so upset at a poor grade I gotten for a written or practical test? Does that grade, which I earn in a small slice of my lifetime as a programmer, an overall, accurate indicator of my worth as a prorgammer?
And why is that my mood is always dependent on what others think of me? Maybe it is because it has to do with my Christian upbringing. Christians are both good and bad, but I just can’t help but feel that many of them are extremely good at manipulating. “Oh, how could you step into the video game acrade? What would God think?” and “How could you set conditions with God, who saved you? How can you just say you going to spend just one day out of seven in ministry.”
Gah, I am so tired of it. I am tired of me being down because of grades, because of the other’s unapproval and because, I am just average. To self: Yes, I’m average, just like everyone else! Get over it!
So I’m careless, make mistakes under pressure, still mix up intergration and differenation – I’m just normal. I don’t want my worth, or my self esteem, or mood or whatever that is wiring me to be affected by those external factors anymore.
I’m really am so damn tired of it all.