To answer the OP: the funeral of a highly-respected Rabbi when you don’t understand Yiddish.
My college holds commencement in our huge gym, which isn’t huge enough. The AC isn’t great to start with, and cramming 60 million bodies into the space = hotter than heck.
You know what the exact opposite of dressing for a hot environment is? Wearing a heavy velvet and silk academic gown, a choke-to-death- silk and velvet hood, and a velvet doctoral yam on a stage with hot lighting. Plus only three people in the entire world look good in the doc hat – and I’m not one of them.
I do love seeing my students graduate, especially those who really struggled. I could live without the stupid speeches though.
Missed edit window: make that “tam,” not “yam.” But a yam tam could be fun.
You guys are making me really glad I’ve never been to any of these things. And that’s including my own - not high school, not college one, not college two, nada, zilch.
At the time, I thought they were the height of pointlessness and stupidity, and nobody here has disabused me of the notion, instead quite the opposite. So thanks to all! If we keep working at it, maybe enough PSA’s of this nature will warn other souls away from their valedictory perditions. 
“Open mic” at a large funeral, especially for someone you didn’t know. People are upset, speaking off the cuff, telling incoherent, rambling stories, it’s always a fucking train wreck.
Ooh, now I want to crash one. Get some Sedaris-esque stories out of it.
Oooh, the single most horrible social situation I’ve ever witnessed came about this way.
My SIL’s sister died a few years ago, she was young and left HS-aged kids. The father (hereafter “Molester,”) who was accused of molesting two of his SILs, his eldest daughter, and possibly others, had been kicked out of the house a few years back and banned from seeing his kids (this was within the family with a lawyer, not certain if he was ever formally charged).
Molester decided to show up at his estranged wife’s funeral and skulk in the back of the room. His kids said a terse “hi” and ran to sit in the front row. Folks used the open mic to say lovely things about Moira then an idiot wearing a Hawaiian shirt, dad shorts, and thongs (this was in Manhattan, not in Key West) took the mic and spoke at length about how his buddy, the Molester, was such a loving husband and dad, how fortunate the kids were to have a father to lean on, blah blah blah.
There was palpable bristling and fury in the air, Molester’s kids held hands and stared at the floor, and there was the type of mumbling that presage pitchforks, torches, and an angry lynching by villagers. Fuckwad also tried a little comedy routine aimed at the kids then finally STFU and handed the mic over.
Molester left shortly thereafter, perhaps sensing mob justice. Fuckwad hung out and tried to solicit praise for his “eulogy” and continued trying to joke with Moira’s traumatized kids (who were rescued by the family). Most think he was totally clueless about his pal’s status with the family and just wanted attention.
Just say no to open mic at solemn occasions.
Most grueling thing that comes to mind that I had to sit through is a Catholic wedding. Not because of the content of the ceremony, but because we had to get down on our knees for one portion of the service, and stay there for longer than was physically possible for most of us. By the time the kneeling portion was over, I looked around the room and most people had already gotten up off their knees and sat back on the pew. The married couple were in their thirties, so it’s not like this was a particularly infirm crowd, either.
You beat me to it. Change of command ceremonies are savagely long, people fall out of formation regularly. Standing at attention or parade rest for over an hour so self-important people can blather on is the pits.
I’m off to kindergarten next year!
Seriously, though, I saw a news item about a fight at a preschool graduation leading to shots fired. I’m apparently not the only one to find the experience a little stressful.
The church I attended in my old town used to have a talent show every year or thereabouts; 90% of them were kids playing their band instruments, and the parents kinda sorta had to be there. However, one year, an 85-year-old woman who had taught tap dance for many years showed up in a costume, and her routine brought the house down (and honestly, was probably the only thing worth seeing; this happened before I moved to that area and read about it in her obituary 10 years later). Our music director was also a school music teacher, so that was probably one reason why they did it.
(Haven’t seen the whole thread, so maybe it’s been addressed)
Attending this was probably not an option unless they were hospitalized. THIS would probably have been a real ugh-fest.
My mother went to one when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant with me. She thought that would make her go into labor, but it didn’t. Neither did eating most of a large pizza two weeks later.
How drunk was “Fuckwad”? My guess is very.
He didn’t seem drunk, just extraordinarily socially ignorant and (possibly) unaware of Chester the Molester’s excommunication from his family. At any rate, my BIL informed him he was not welcome at the following lunch.
Now when I hear the phrase “you could cut the tension with a knife” this is my visual.
Not just a Catholic wedding, but a CW in the middle of a full Mass, with Communion and sermon and the whole shebang. I’m not sure if they took an offering.
The Indy 500. Especially the year I went. It was some time in the 1990s, and something was up with the weather, so they kept yellow-flagging the cars. Last 4 1/2 hours. Supposedly the longest one since the 1930s.
I live in Speedway, Indiana (a little area in Indianapolis), in walking distance of the track. It is going to be hell this Sunday. I am ordering a pizza the night before, so there are leftovers, and a movie on On Demand, and staying inside. The boychik can ride his new bicycle around the complex, and stay off the road.
I would like to salute that general.
Keeping things short is the best, but as some have said too many like to hear the sound of their own voices, or have an agenda.
Some years ago I saw part of some national event on TV, I think it was a Presidential inauguaration but no longer remember for sure. There were three, count 'em, three clergy doing prayers. A rabbi, a Protestant clergy, and Fr. Theodore Hesbergh, from Notre Dame. The rabbi and the Protestant gave what I call “sermon prayers” long winded amd boring. When it was Hesbergh’s turn he looked around, kind of pulled his glasses down and said “At a time like this I can think of no better thing to say than ‘Our Father, Who art in heaven…’” Now words of his own, and really, really short.
That’s my girl he’s talking about. Way to go, dear, I didn’t know you commented on this thread. Thanks for making me get teary-eyed at work. What a sweet last sentence. :).
Her brother had put in for the time off at work. She asked him to retract it. She sat through his HS graduation four years ago and knows what they’re like.
My wife was Catholic. I am of a different sect. I’ve attended multiple Catholic weddings and Sunday services for her various extended family events. I have never kneeled.
I get a high school graduation next week. Third child at this school. A 5 minute welcome speech, quick run of the itinerary. A 10-15 minute keynote speech. A 5-10 minute student speech. The school doesn’t do valedictorians. Scholarships and other awards have already had their ceremonies the past few weeks. School will give about 325 students their diplomas in less than an hour. Read the name and cross the stage in 10 seconds. Family hoots, hollers, yells, jeers, and cheers during that time only. In and out in less than two hours. Each student allowed limited tickets. Venue lately has been one of the local university auditoriums.
The longest I’ve been bored was a wedding a few months ago for a woman my wife used to work with. I knew only my wife. She knew the bride and one bridesmaid (wife’s cousin) plus some of her family. Maybe 5 people total. I spent a lot of phone time. Also sports were on in the bar area of the reception. Lucky we didn’t have to travel for it.
As someone on the internets once said, sitting through a graduation ceremony is like watching a movie that’s entirely end credits.