I’d like for all of your to help me out. I’m thinking of turning in the following essay in to a school I’m applying to. Please give me your honest opinions, and be brutal if you want.
Why are we here? Those four words have led mankind down various philosophical avenues for eons. I ask this question now not to seek knowledge about the origins or purposes of mankind but because I want to know what has brought approximately 50 people from around the world to Camp Henry Horner. I mean, we could have to Disneyworld, but no, instead, we're here reducing our life spans through a combination of bad food and mosquito bites. The pay is low, the cabins musty, the hours long, and yet, we all wake up in the morning with a smile, eager to forge another day. Why is that? Is it the joy of helping to merge knowledge with youth? Or the relaxation that comes from living light-years from civilization? No, it's because we've all suffered some kind of head trauma. Trust me. I checked the personnel files.
According to a recent study I just made up, the average camp counselor works 26 hours a daily (thereby disproving the old "24 hours in a day theory") and yet isn't even paid enough to buy a house in Zaire (Affectionately known as "Ebola Alley" to the hardworking men and women of the CDC), which currently has a massive housing surplus. There have been at least 42 confirmed deaths in the last century from ingesting unidentified camp "food". God only knows how many of these tragedies go unreported. Then, of course, there are the mosquitos. Every camp has a secret mosquito mutation lab, hidden way back in the woods. Here, they seek to selectively breed mosquitos for size and aggression. Then, they are released into the wild for testing. These labs are all run by immoral graduate students who use their experiences for thesis projects.
Why, then, do we do it? Why do we even get up in the mornings? It's very simple. If we didn't, the kids would come into our cabins and wake us up. But why even be there? Again, it's very simple. Any one of us would rather see a smile on a kid's face put there by us than a $10,000 paycheck. Every one of us would gladly give anything up for that kid's happiness. At the end of the day when we're exhausted and can barely support the weight of our own heads, the kids hug us good-bye, and it's all worth it. As cliched as it may sound, we make a difference in a child's life on a daily basis. There is nothing more meaningful than that.
Then again, maybe that head trauma thing should be looked into.
A hush fell over the courtroom, killing six.
I QUOTE:
Why are we here? Those four words have led mankind down various philosophical avenues for eons. I ask this question now not to seek knowledge about the origins or purposes of mankind but because I want to know what has brought approximately 50 people from around the world to Camp Henry Horner. I mean, we could have GONE to Disneyworld, but no, instead, we're here reducing ****SNIP******Why is that? Is it the joy of helping to merge knowledge with youth? Or the relaxation that comes from living light-years from civilization? No, it's because we've all suffered some kind of head trauma.(HA HA HA HA HA) Trust me. I checked the personnel files.
I really liked it! It was funny charming, co-hesive and well written (see the missed GONE above) .
I have to ask however…is this appropriate? Are you allowed to be funny in this essay?
I liked it, honest.
Well, since you asked…
[putting on editor hat]You might want to not use the question answer format so much, it is looked upon as a “weak” writing style. Fine for fluff journalism, but not acceptable in a formal essay.
Instead of “study” use “informal survey,” and cut out the “I made up,” part. Edit the Zaire bit, its funny, but a little distracting.
You might want to break up the various “workplace drawbacks,” into paragraph form, to make them seem more numerous. That way, when you give the reason for doing the job, it is a bit more powerful.
[/taking off editor hat]
DON PEDRO: Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in a merry hour.
BEATRICE: No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. -Much Ado About Nothing, Act II, Sc: i
Thank you. As for if it is appropriate, they personally told me that I had a great deal of latitude in what I wrote and something humourous might be refreshing and therefore, better accepted.
Thanks, Rid (or is it swim?). That’s very astute. Good stuff.
Generally it’s good. I wonder about the expected formality. Typically essays require a more formal writing style, unless it is for a creative writing demo. Don’t use abbreviations, or contractions.
Check your punctuation. E.g.
“I ask this question now not to seek knowledge about the origins or purposes of mankind but because I want to know what has brought approximately 50 people from around the world to Camp Henry Horner.”
Comma after mankind.
“Any one of us would rather see a smile on a kid’s face put there by us than a $10,000 paycheck. Every one of us would gladly give anything up for that kid’s happiness.”
The wording seems odd. “Put there by us” seems awkward but I can’t find a rewording. Perhaps just omit it. “Any one of us would rather see a kid smile because of us than $10,000.” Hmmm.
“give anything up” should be “give up anything”.
Good luck.
“Any one of us would rather see a smile on a kid’s face put there by us than a $10,000 paycheck. Every one of us would gladly give anything up for that kid’s happiness.”
maybe it should read:
We would rather put a smile on a kid’s face than receive a $10,000 paycheck. Each of us would gladly give up anything for that kid’s happiness.
btw… if you get in, do we have to go with you?
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!