So my husband and I are currently having a bit of a disagreement. Due to a seizure cluster in March, I can’t legally drive until September (assuming I remain seizure-free) and it is seriously cramping my style and his. I’m dependent on him and members of my writer’s group for rides. Wednesday is a true test because I have to be at work all day and then go directly to my writer’s group 30 minutes away, and there’s nobody to drive me. It’s driving me fucking apeshit not to have flexibility in my work schedule or being able to go anywhere without someone else.
So I’m like okay, I’ll learn to use Uber.
Husband kind of freaks. He hates that it’s so unregulated and Uber doesn’t do background checks or assume corporate liability for assault, thus in his mind I am risking sexual assault and murder every time I step in the cab. As if that weren’t annoying enough, he had to go and make it about my competence. It’s not that I’m a woman, it’s that *I’m more gullible and poorer at assessing risk than the average person. *:mad:
What a shit thing to say to someone you love. The worst part is, he’s not entirely wrong. I do tend to be overly accommodating, and I trust people pretty much instantly unless they give me a reason not to. I wouldn’t say I’m poor at assessing risk (I’d argue I perceive things more accurately because I usually don’t expect death and destruction from every stranger) but I’m poor at standing up for myself when I feel threatened. He had like a laundry list of events that supposedly prove his case, including times I’ve invited random strangers into the house and didn’t get assertive when I felt threatened, and a time I almost shipped my laptop to an obvious scammer on Ebay. Whatever little alarm bells go off in the heads of most normal people when something seems ‘‘off,’’ they don’t happen for me until I’m in over my head.
*
I* think he overestimates risk. What kind of serial killer is going to pick rush hour on a Wednesday afternoon to make a move? And it’s not like you can ever use that MO again. It doesn’t seem a very efficient way to become a rapist. Especially once the bad reviews start pouring in.
Anyway, before he’s comfortable with me using Uber he wants me to come up with a safety plan for assessing the risk quotient of whoever shows up and to demonstrate the capacity to reject anyone I deem to be unsafe. I can’t tell if he’s being reasonable or crazy.
It’s worth mentioning I almost died twice in the last six months and haven’t been in the greatest health. He has some lingering anxiety, maybe. But he is being stubborn as hell about this and has made it clear that if I flout his wishes he’s going to be pissed. I’m frustrated as hell because my gut instinct would be to do my due diligence anyway and be as safe as possible, but now he’s made it into some kind of weird benevolent sexist thing. I reminds me of generations past who wouldn’t let their wives drive at night and it makes me want to burn all the bras and call ten Ubers in defiance. He swears it’s not about that, though. But the way he’s framed the problem makes me look like a damned fool.
So, three things I’m looking for.
How dangerous is Uber, really? This would be around the nicer parts of metropolitan Detroit. (Oakland and Macomb counties.) Is the statistical risk really THAT high?
Is there really any such way to assess the risk quotient of a complete stranger? If not, what’s some stuff I can make up to sound like I can?
He’s being weird, right? He’s getting his way, but at least tell me he’s being weird.
I drove for Uber for a short time. In my opinion your husband is being a little over protective. Uber does both a criminal record background check and a driving record check, but unfortunately some people with records have made it through.
Uber drivers are rated after every trip. In order for Uber drivers to keep their job they must keep a relatively high rating, in my city it was 4.6 out of 5. If the driver is harassing or making riders feel uncomfortable they will not last long. I am not saying it has never happened but with all the Uber rides every day the odds of something bad happening to you would be minisule.
When you request a ride the drivers picture, name and rating will be viable. If someone with a low rating pops up you may want to cancel and request another driver
Uber drivers rate their passengers. When a request for a ride comes in, the potential driver sees the passenger’s score before responding. I suppose that if you have a bad enough score, no one will pick you up.
Maybe because I think it’s more normal to be generally trusting of folks than to expect everyone to betray me? Because the statistical probability of stranger danger is so low? AFAIC I survived the most dangerous part of my life already and I’m not particularly interested in living the rest of it as a jaded, mistrustful individual.
I don’t know Detroit, but Uber is generally pretty safe. You are getting into a stranger’s car, but you do that when you get in a cab. With Uber, you get the license plate # and a picture of the driver before the car comes, so you can check and make sure they match. I’ve been in cabs where the driver had hidden his ID plaque–which is illegal. You can always write down the license and make of the car should you have to call 911 from the car. But honestly I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about it.
Unfortunately the only way to tell if something is hinky or off with someone is instinct. There’s no real algorithm, just trusting your inner voice. The book The Gift of Fear has some good advice in this area. It’s also something to consider bringing up with a therapist if that’s an option. The only thing I can say is there is a vast middle ground between assuming every stranger is bringing death and destruction on the one hand and not looking out for yourself on the other. Most people are harmless, but the few who aren’t can cause an awful lot of damage.
Your husband is being a little weird, I think, considering that Uber is pretty safe. It seems like it would be a good way for you to get around town. But you should practice situational awareness. A little bit of cynicism is healthy.
Uber is super popular and dependent on phone culture. Phone culture and social media culture go hand-in-hand. In my mind, if Uber were by in large a dangerous thing, it would be well known very quickly and shut down by reputation swiftly.
The only crazy stories about Uber that come to mind are stories about passengers being bad. There was that one driver in Oklahoma (or Kansas?) who lost his shit and shot people but IIRC he happened to be an Uber driver who went on a killing spree and didn’t prey on passengers.
Is there a way you could be on the phone with him or someone you both know while you drive? I’m positive that that is not unheard of in Uber world. Maybe if you do that on Wednesday and then in the coming weeks the two of you take some Uber rides together (in person, with him in the car) maybe he will feel better about the whole situation.
Kalamazoo, Michigan. Sadly that one hit close to home. I have friends in Kalamazoo but fortunately, none of them were hurt. And yeah, I viewed that as much more of a mental illness problem than an Uber problem.
When you use Uber, they will send you a photo along along with the name of the guy picking you up.
When they send you this, just take a screenshot and text it to your husband. And if you can’t currently take screen shots on your phone, just download one of the many free screen shot apps from Google Play.
He’s being a little ridiculous. Anything can happen, of course, but I don’t think Uber is any more dangerous than anything else. You are going to be fine and he is being pretty silly.
That said, if you aren’t good at assessing risk, it is worth coming up with some kind metric you can apply systematically. This is something I do when traveling in very unfamiliar places.
How will I know we are going off course? What is my plan if we do go off course? What is my threshold for calling 911/diving out of the car/making a public scene? Who will I contact if things get uncomfortable and how will I do that? What is my plan for if my phone gets taken away?
I dunno, I am the first person to find things sexist but if you really do have a history of not seeing red flags until you’re either uncomfortable in your own home or at risk of losing money to a scammer, I’d say he’s concerned about you specifically and not necessarily you as a woman.
I just started shopping for Shipt which involves me often going into strangers’ houses, and it’s funny but my husband is the other way around - doesn’t really see it being dangerous to go into somebody’s house if they’ve paid a monthly fee, had other people deliver to them, and I’ve got my eyes open, whereas I’m a little wigged about it but the money has so far been good. I guess I’m a little more on the nervous Nellie spectrum.
With Uber, though, I have to agree that that’s a pretty low-percentage way to find victims for your serial killer/rapist/tickler type. I mean, you could only do it once - are you hot enough to be the one they throw it all away for? (That’s what I asked myself walking into some strange man’s house on Sunday. He had a walker. I figured I could outrun him. Instead I put his groceries in the kitchen and he thanked me and tipped me ten bucks. Lived to deliver another day.)
I don’t like that bullshit Uber is pulling in Austin to avoid fingerprinting their drivers. They do fingerprint in some cities. I prefer that. But honestly, I don’t see too much difference between getting into a cab and getting into an Uber.
So how is the OP going to judge the trustworthiness of the driver based solely on a screenshot?
And if the husband is so worried, make prior arrangements with a car service so that the same driver (one whom he has interviewed and cleared) is available every time.