I think it’s important to get the day off to a rippin’ good start.
In this quest, I’ve noticed that waking up to the sound of a shrill alarm is way too harsh. In the first place, it’s just a very mean sound. Nothing at all even remotely organic about it. And forget rolling back over for another 5 minutes with that clatter replaying in your head. Plus, has anyone ever seen a volume control for the darn thing?
Music? Well yes, it can be pretty pleasant if you’re lucky enough to catch a song you like but often times in the AM it’s the commercials or a yaking DJ that dominate.
For me, nothing says “Wake up Sunshine” quite like adding the cold cuts to a big sheet sandwich. In the first place, there’s the whole comfort thing… your body had a request and you’ve just fulfilled it. Then there’s the practicality of it… if you want to sleep longer you just seal the covers like a Ziplock and if you want to get up immediately you take a deep whiff of your noxicity. Simple. For volume control, I remember to adjust the separation between my legs last thing before I drift off each night. The only drawback as I see it is that whether it be the clock or my ass, my wife’s gonna bitch slap one of the two when it goes off.
About the only time this method had failed me is when I’ve woken to the mix of abundant gas and diarrhea. Oooh. I just hate it when I Pollock paint my pants. You can’t really keep your shorts after such an event and $14.00 shits get expensive. Plus, just try and win an argument with your wife after you shit the bed.
Her: I think I’ll paint the bathroom pink.
Me: How about a tope or something.
Her: * Didn’t you just crap the bed?*
Me: * Which shade of pink?*
Still, even with the occasional setbacks, it’s a damn fine little device to get me on my way in the morning.
Seriously, do you know of another alarm that can self-adjust? If it’s a Saturday and you’ve slept all relaxed that night, your wake-up flattus will likely be a low-pitched melodious rumble… easy to sleep through.
But if you’ve got a meeting that day and you’ve fretted about it all night, you’re shit ain’t gonna be right that morning and the calling will likely be more imperative. See?
I used to wake up to the CBC news. Made for some alarming dreams, though, so I quit that. Now I use a randomly generated playlist from my .mp3 folder. Less risk involved.
lieu, I’m going to stand next to Flamsterette_X, and formally request that you refrain from sleeping in Vancouver, period. Don’t make me get a restraining odour.
I have none of these. I wake up to a full bladder, usually at between four to six a.m. My alarm clock is set to NPR, however. Nothing like waking up to Bush’s latest idiocy to start the day off right.
Lieu, you are one sick, evil person. And I say that with all sincerest affection.
i have woken myself up out of a sound sleep on occasion with a real cheek-flapper. its damn disconcerting. you look around wildly, ‘wuh? huh?’ and then… the aroma hits.
We wake to The Bob and Tom Show around here. I love these guys. Comedy songs, pretty cool guests, and mindless chatter. I don’t want to think that much that early in the morning and this fits the bill.
