Did you ever get a thought in your head, one that you KNOW is just wrong in every way, but it still makes you laugh your head off??
Two nights ago I was at the Music as a Weapon concert in Fayetteville, NC and Disturbed was on stage. There were lots of security guards around, for obvious reasons. Most of them were just regular people, with radios & yellow jackets, I guess so they could call the real cops if anything bad happened.
This one woman security guard walked by several times. It took me a minute to realize exactly why she was ‘different’ and why I noticed her. She had one arm missing below the elbow. Now, normally this isn’t an issue. I guess it would make her less than effective if she had to break up a fight, but she had a radio and that was really all she needed. Here’s the bad part, the part that has condemned me to an eternity of fire and flame.
When I noticed what exactly was different about her, the backdrop on the stage had just rotated. The cover from Disturbed’s album entitled “Ten Thousand Fists” had been put up. My first thought?? “Nope, 9,999 fists tonight!!” (and a stump)
When I was in college (Texas A&M), Bonfire was still around, and when you’d go out to cut trees for it (FWIW, it was on land that was to be stripmined, so it’s not like we were doing anything that wouldn’t be done anyway), there was a sort of jargon that was used for getting things done- “getting a heave” on a log meant to get several people around it and to lift it to about shoulder height to carry back to the staging point for it to be loaded onto a truck.
So not long after cut was over, a friend of mine’s father passed away. Toward the end of the service, the pallbearers went to go pick up the casket, and “Come on, Ags! Let’s get a heave on the casket!” popped into my head. I was amused, ashamed and startled all at the same time, combined with being pretty sad because I’d liked my friend’s dad, and felt really terrible for him and his family.
Heh, I have a funeral one too. I was with my family at my great-aunts funeral. During the service, my baby cousin starts crying. My uncle and aunt are trying desperately to hush her and others in the room are turning their heads to see what the ruckus is. All of a sudden, it occurs to me that half the room has been crying. It amused me to no end that I had just witnessed a situation where it was appropriate for everyone except the baby to cry.
In the spirit of the OP – aeons ago, while I was in Jerusalem on some other business, I saw a demonstration staged by the Physically Disabled People’s Association (I guess, loose translation from Hebrew) in front of the Knesset (not sure to this day exactly what it was about – something about some budget cut that was going to affect them?)
Anyway, what popped into my head was “Here is a gathering with a non-integer number of people in attendance…” :eek:
More in general – you’ve had this feeling of “going to hell” only once? You’re not using your imagination!
I woke up one morning with a killer headache and wanted some Advil, but couldn’t find the bottle. I said “I could have sworn the bottle was on this table, where did it go?”
What I thought my husband said “The Africans took it”
What he actually said: “The leprechauns took it”
So now we have this on-going joke about “the Africans” stealing our stuff. It really does sound horrible unless you know the context, which our friends didn’t know when we accidentally blamed a missing plate on “the Africans” in front of them!
Once I was in a car stopped at a light, and I see this small disaster in the making. A blind person and a wheelchair bound person were on a collision course, approaching each other on two intersecting sidwalks. There was a tall hedge blocking the view of the wheelchair guy, and the blind person was using his cane forward and to the right, but the wheelchair guy was coming in from 90 degrees to the left.
I had a few seconds to figure out this was coming, but no real time to do anything. I was too far away to do anything anyway, even shout. It just played out like a Monty Python skit, and they collided and tumbled into the bushes.
I laughed hysterically. Fortunately I could see that neither seemed seriously hurt, and there were a couple of other pedestrians nearby who were able help sort themselves out.
Back when I was in grad school, one of the profs (a wonderful guy who unfortunately was afflicted with depression) committed suicide by jumping off a building. At his funeral, one of the eulogists made the remark that the deceased was “like an umbrella”.
And the thought popped into my mind – “Now he’s like a pancake.”
So, the other day I was at my local pub. It was nice out, so numerous people were sitting on the patio in these plastic patio chairs. There’s a rather large woman that comes into this pub, who, for some reason as taken a dislike to me. Ok - I’m not going to worry about it. She’s not Miss Personality.
But - I almost died laughing when she stood up and the plastic patio chair remained on her ass.
I am so going to hell.
A few weeks ago I went to a memorial service for the Father of a buddy, at one point in the service apparently a que was given for everyone to shake hands.
As all of the folks in the service were shaking hands I could not stop the thought “Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman” repeating in my head.
So I was at my grandfathers funeral, and we were singing some hymn in the church. Well, most people were. My brothers and I are all rather non religious/agnostic or what have you, and I was holding a hymnbook up pretending to go along, and my brother was reading over my shoulder. This was such an unprecedented situation, with my brothers and I actually in a church pretending to sing hymns so grandma could pretend we were nice christian boys, and my emotions were such a wreck anyway, that I suddenly just got consumed by the worst case of the giggles I’ve ever had in my life.
So I was at Disney’s California Adventure with a few friends a couple years ago and we were walking along the wharf section. Across the “bay,” they had a large fishing net hanging over the water that people could walk in and out of, and it would appear as if they were caught. Anyway, although I was too far to make out any meaningful details of the two people currently “caught” in the net (one sitting, the other standing), it didn’t stop me from saying, “Hey look, The World’s Ugliest Catch.”
…immediately after, both people exited the net, and only then did I realize that the person “sitting” was actually being pushed out in wheelchair! I felt like an ass (thankfully, no one but my friends and I heard my comment), but my friends found it hilarious.
We had gotten the call just two hours earlier that my wife’s mother had died suddenly and unexpectedly. My wife immediately booked the first flight out and I drove her to the airport. On the way home, I was thinking about how my wife was feeling, how our kids were feeling, planning out the next few days, etc.
I was dimly aware that the car radio was tuned to the NPR program Fresh Air. Terri Gross was interviewing someone who had written a biography of the great 60’s pop singer, Dusty Springfield. The author was saying something about how Springfield struggled with being a Lesbian at a time when being open about it would have destroyed her career and I found myself saying (out loud, to an otherwise unoccupied car)
“Wow, so the only boy who could ever reach her REALLY was the son of a preacher man?”
Well I’m normally pretty pro-police around here but I saw something this morning that made me laugh.
Motorcycle cop flips his lights on to pull over a car waiting to make a right turn. The car moves up about 5 feet like its going to take the right turn, the abruptly stops (probably just noticed the police officer) The cop accellerated a bit when the car started to move forward and promptly bumped into the rear of the car.
Back wheel came about 8 inches off the ground and the cop looked like he was about to shit a frisbee.
I laughed…for some reason it all looked pretty damn funny from my vantage point.
I didn’t know my father in-law very well and at his funeral the woman who sang had a terrible voice, she started to sing the Lord’s Prayer and it struck me so funny I couldn’t control my laughter so I pretended to be crying, I put my hands over my face with a hankie. Every one wondered why I took my father in-law’s death so hard.
