This post is just to let you know that it’s not my fault. I didn’t do it. I wasn’t even there. Even if I was there and you saw the whole thing, you can’t prove anything. Besides the sun was in my eyes. The room was too cold. Something I ate for lunch was bothering me.
I was distracted because my prized race earthworm failed to place at the first ever worm racing event of Darke county. Disqualified, they said. No flying allowed they said. Stupid bird.
But even if you taped the whole thing you can’t prove it was me. I look like lots of other people. I resemble Paul Simon, Ted Nugent, and George Lopez. Do you know where Paul Simon was on the night in question? No, didn’t think so. He’s probably the guy.
I blacked out that whole night anyway. I had been pounding Barq’s root beer pretty hard and the sugar and caffine rush made me unresponsible for any of my actions. My lawyer says I should sue the Coke company for failing to provide labeling that warns that folks drinking their products might do the thing that I didn’t do and was in no way responsible for.
So you can see the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that I have been unfairly blamed.
I’m glad that’s all cleared up.
