I recently read a couple of articles about the aging Arnold, and realized I had never seen CtB. So I decided to correct this gap in my cinematic experience.
Is it that this is considered good by people who liked pulp comic books? Because as a movie, it is pretty awful. Just jumping from scene to scene with little explanation. Even the violence and nudity can’t save it.
I’ve only watched it in bits, but right now I’m where James Earl Jones turned into a snake. What the hell was that whole scene all about? From the gay-suggestive bit where Arnold gets the priest’s robe, to why was he found out by those 2 big hair dudes?, then he blurts out his desire for vengeance and gets crucified, then along trots his sidekick and cuts him down, then some weird demon things try to take him, then the 3 “sneak” into the temple the back way… Has there ever been less effective “sneaking” in the history of movies? Then the bad guys are cutting up people to make soup, some guys in black mincingly carry a big pot to where the most languid orgy ever is taking place, JEJ is just sitting there - but now he’s turning into a snake, and Arnold starts punching people and the 2 big hair dudes come in and one of them has a hammer that obviously weighs nothing…
Were all other scifi/fantasy/thriller movies back then even WORSE than this?
If you’re familiar with the comic books you get to see a terrible movie based on them. Arnold occasionally looks good as Conan, not enough to turn it into a good movie though.
Well…yes. Yes, they were. I’m hard pressed to think of a better contemporary swords and sandals movie than this one. So if you’re asking if it is being judged against a low bar, then the answer is absolutely.
It has a pretty good score. It has decent campy narration and very little actual acting from Arnold other than looking massive and formidable. It has some decent set work and cinematography (for what it is - I think the opening is pretty well done). It has James Earl Jones chewing scenery like no one’s business (really, I think he is kinda mesmerizing in this - he gave those silly lines his absolute all and sold them).
It’s fine, campy fun. I like it .
ETA:
This describes the original Conan stories pretty accurately, really. At least relative to each other.
Is Arnold’s acting really, really, bad? Like a bad parody of bad acting? If yes, you are getting it. And Arnold is actually trying to act. He is just a body that can also say words, some words, barely.
How could you not like the movie Roger Ebert enjoyed and called, “a perfect fantasy for the alienated preadolescent?” I still find Conan to be a thoroughly entertaining movie that I quote to this day. It’s one of the best fantasy movies of the 80s which is admittedly a very, very low bar. The story was entertaining enough and the action well choreographed and brutal. And who can forget about the acting? Did I mention the brutal choreography? Did you at least enjoy the soundtrack by Basil Poledouris? Tell me that wasn’t a top notch soundtrack.
Conan the Destroyer was worse. But, yes, generally speaking, a lot of those types of movies were much, much worse. Look up Deathstalker sometime. Don’t watch it though.
It is just so weird, because I thought it at least would be a story that holds together. But no - now he fucks a witch, now some guy is chained to the wall, now he passes out in a bowl of gruel… And why the hell did his owner free him? Was that ever explained? Oh wait - they’re running again.
I enjoy me some over the top campy movie stuff. This, I don’t get. And I was surprised at the dubbed sound of so much of the vocals, including Arnold’s grunts and yelps. Those ghost things were supposed to be good special effects?
I guess I’ve never been a big fan of the fantasy genre. I’ll have to try to figure out what fantasy films from back then - if any - I enjoyed. In memory, I preferred the older films from my childhood, like Journey to the Center of the Earth, or Mysterious Island. But I’m sure they would be horrible on rewatching. I may need to dig up some Harryhausen…
Well, there was Krull, it wasn’t any better. There was Sorceress, it was a lot worse. There was the Sword and the Sorcerer, it also fared badly. Yor, the Hunter from the Future, was probably the worst. Beastmaster was a bit better. Yes, it really was. Pet ferret purchases went way up. I loved 'em all. Madame Pepperwinkle and I fondly call them “put the dead villagers in a circle” movies. Oh, and Legend! Bad. Willow! Bad.
Now Flash Gordon, THAT was a movie.
The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth were actually good. They had Muppets.
For my part, it was great to see a film about Conan after reading the Robert E. Howard novels. Arnold certainly did not look like the Conan on the 1930s books and stories, but it was great to see the films.
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