I am the very model of a modern major-general,
I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral,
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem, I’m teeming with a lot o’ news –
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous,
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s,
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics, I can floor peculiarities parabolous.
I can tell undoubted Rafaels from Gerard Dowes and Zoffanys,
I know the croaking chorus of the Frogs of Aristophanes,
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
And whistle all the airs to that infernal nonsense Pinafore;
Then I can write a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’ uniform.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin”,
When I can tell at sight a Mauser* rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “Commissariat” –
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery,
In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
You’ll say a better major-general has never sat agee.
For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century.
But still, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major-general.