Jabberquanty

[Riemann]

I wrote this in 1998, on the occasion of the failure of the massive high-profile hedge fund Long Term Capital Management. It was circulated at the time in the industry, but I notice that it’s nowhere to be found on the internet, so I hope you will indulge me in recording my literary efforts here for posterity.

This was so long ago that Goldman Sachs was barely even naughty at the time, let alone evil. Fond memories. It’s a throwaway item, but in the unlikely event that a nostalgic friend or colleague from the time should Google it, I’d like it to hit something.

Jabberquanty

'Twas bullig, and the lev’raged funds
Did buy and gamble in the craze;
Astounding were the borrowed sums,
And the black box amazed.

“Beware the Jabberquant, my son!
The arbs that aren’t, divergent debt!
Beware the Nobel’s word, and shun
The spurious data set!”

He took his broker phone in hand:
Long time the riskless arb he sought -
So rested he, in liquidity,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as against the trend he stood,
The Jabberquant, with famous name,
Came waffling with a truth too good,
And VaRbled as it came!

Fat tail! Fat tail! And through and through
The ninety-nineth percentile still!
He left it dead, and in its stead,
He bought a Treas’ry Bill.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberquant?
Come to my arms, my bearish boy!
For, by degree, the PhD
All value would destroy!”

'Twas bearig, and the lev’raged funds
Did sell and panic in the crash;
Outstanding all the borrowed sums,
And, short term, out of cash.

[ For the record, at the time I stole “'twas bullig” from another one-stanza effort that was around at the time, author unknown, and likewise nowhere to be found on the internet now; the rest was original. ]