Jacques Cousteau and French Kill Ocean, Destroy World

The BBQ Pit
1

Our story begins in an aquarium supply store in Stuttgart known as the Willhemina Zoo. They are looking for a hearty aquarium plant to decorate tanks with. Most marine plants don’t do well in an artificial environment.

Somehow, they find… or create this unique specimem which thrives in aquariums. It is called Caulerpa Taxifolia. It has several unique properties. It does not breed sexually, but rather clones itself. It spreads extremely rapidly. It concentrates a poison that makes it inedible. It also looks nice in aquariums.

I say “or create” since they can’t seem to find the original plant in nature. Scientists speculate that either the Willhemina zoo took the one example of this mutated plant in nature purely by chance, or somehow they accidently mutated it.

Anyway.
The plant is rapidly disseminated through the aquarium community. Some of it finds its way to the Oceanographic Museum of Monaco in the late 70s or early 80s. The curator of this museum is the noted Oceanographer and conservationist Jacques Cousteau. The plant gets used in the Museum’s tanks.

During Jacque’s tenure, the plant is apparently dumped into the Meditaranean sea adjacent to the museum.

Marine Biologist Alexandre Meinesz finds the plant in the Meditaranean right in front of the museum. He notes that the plant appears to be an alien invader, that it carpets the seabed and destroys and kills the entire ecosystem.

Unaware of the origin of the plant (nobody was,) he figures the museum will help him research this deadly infestation and sound the alarm. He is told that it is undoubtedly natural, no cause for alarm, no big deal.

Meanwhile ships lay anchor and travel around the Meditaranean. When they drop anchor, they spread the infestation.

Pretty soon it is a major emergency. The Meditaranean is being smothered, the ocean is being killed by what the media calls “the green terror,” “the green death.” Infestations have been found in California, Australia and several other port sites worldwide.

Nobody is sure how to deal with this catastrophe which is spreading rapidly, can wipe out the entire ocean’s ecosystem, and throwing us over an ecological precipice that could destroy us through our dependance on the ocean.
At this point, I would like to nod sagely. Didn’t you always know that the French would end the world?

Are you surprised at all to learn that it’s Jacques Cousteau who killed the ocean?
To be fair to Jacques, it appears that he took this very seriously when others were dismissing it before his death.

Sad and ironic.
Read about it here:

http://www.sbg.ac.at/ipk/avstudio/pierofun/ct/caulerpa.htm

This really sucks.

2

I’m more surprised to learn that Jacques was personally mucking out fish tanks.

It was Jacques who mucked this particular tank, right?

3

Watching Nova again, Scylla?

4

Yep. Kinda whigged me out.

5

Are we supposed to call French Fries “Freedom Fries” again now?

6

Don’t worry. I’ve seen this one before. It’s a neat story with a positive ending. the oceans aren’t gonna die.

7

More important that we all start to learn to like eating caulerpa… and lots of it.

Caulerpa slurpy, anyone?

It’s not so bad once you get past the poison.

8

Well, please… Tell me the end. Who saves the planet? Bruce Willis?

9

Nah, some kind of slug thing. Or something.

10

I, for one, welcome our new caulerpa overlords.

11

This is the wrong tact. It needs to be marketed as a hip, new-age treatment, not a Quicky-Mart confection. Instead, be the first to open to a Caulerpa Spa, where your customers can take a bath in warm caulerpa leaves, followed by a caulerpa facial wrap, then a caulerpa colon cleansing, and top it off with a delicious Grande Soy Caulerpacinno[sup]TM[/sup]. Charge enough, and pay some celibrities to conspicuously enter and exit the facility at appropriate times, and watch the dough come in. :smiley:

12

Sorry, but no. The slug might only slow it down in it’s spread. It won’t stop it.

And guess what? The French won’t let the guy put the slug into the Meditaranean, so the ocean’s gonna die and we’re all gonna starve.

13

If the French destroy the ecosphere, it will be because they screwed up, if America does it, it will be to make money. Besides, the French invented oral sex. Worth a lot, when it comes to cutting them some slack.

14

I think its pretty. Do you think there are any mutant plants like that for land? If so, I want to some plant on my property to choke out all the grass, trees, and shrubs on my property so that I don’t have to rake or mow anymore. No, I can’t use Kudzu. I live too far North now and I want something taller and bright green like that,

15

Coincidentally, my father has this story about Jacques Cousteau from when he was just getting started in advertising.

They were holding this big party to get advertisers for the Jacques Coustea Undersea World specials. All the advertisers were there and it was catered.

After Jacques gives a speech they all go to the reception. They open the doors and there is this… no shit… Huge, I mean huge! Giant stuffed fish as the centerpiece dish of the buffet, and the chef standing there proudly waiting to cut it up and serve it.

Apparently Jacques Cousteau was pretty freaked out, the chef was offended, they started shouting at each other, and my father… a brand new advertising executive had made a memorable entrance into the the advertising world with his engaging menu selection skills.

16

Admittedly, delays in recognizing the threat pretty much mean that the Mediteranean is lost, at least for now. But, eradication efforts have been greatly successful elsewhere, where the threat of Caulerpa taxifolia is now realized and it can be wiped out before it gets a stranglehold on the ecosystem the way it did in the Med.

17

Monkey’s do oral sex. It’s been with us a lot longer than the French. If the Apes ever destroy the world, I’ll be sure and cut them the commensurate slack.

Gives an interesting take on Charleston Heston and his “damn dirty ape” line though, doesn’t it?

18

Well yeah! They cover the floor of the ocean with plastic and pump raw chlorine under it until it kills Everything!!
Or else, they pump copper sulfate into the area until that kills everything.

Killing the ecosystem to save it is hardly acceptable. It’s not like the Ocean is Iraq, you know.

19

It’s not quite that bad:

20

Yes but it was French Surrender Monkeys who did it first, I bet. :wink:

Scylla, please do me a favor and don’t watch Nova any more. I was sailing along just fine in life not knowing about this shit. Now you can just come over and rock me to sleep tonight.